::VitalSmarts

WWWF

"And" Thinking—“And” Thinking helps us avoid making Sucker’s Choices. Instead of feeling confined to choose one alternative OR avoid its bad consequences, ask yourself how you can achieve one AND avoid the other.

AMPP—A set of “power listening” skills that help build safety and encourage the other person to share his or her meaning. AMPP stands for Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime.

Contrasting Statement—A tool to address predictable misunderstandings that could put safety at risk. This is done by first, imagining what others may erroneously conclude and then immediately explaining that this is what you don't mean, followed by your contrasting point—what you do mean.

Crucial Conversations—A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

Crucial Confrontations—A face-to-face accountability discussion where someone has disappointed you, and you talk to him or her directly. When handled well, the problem is resolved and the relationship benefits.

CPR—The three types of conversations that can be held around a particular issue: Content (discussing the issue itself), Pattern (discussing the problem that the issue keeps recurring), and Relationship (discussing the fact that the issue is affecting your overall relationship with the other person).

Describe the Gap—Bringing up a problem involving a disappointment by describing the gap between what you expected and what actually took place.

Fundamental Attribution Error—The automatic assumption we often make that the other person's motives are bad. This can happen when someone says or does something we think is harmful or threatening. We immediately attribute bad motive—we tell a villain story. For example, "They are evil or selfish; they do bad things because they enjoy it."

Learn to Look—When a conversation turns crucial, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs. We want to be able to step out of the content of the conversation and learn to look for signs that a conversation has become crucial and that safety is at risk so we can get back to dialogue more quickly.

Left-Hand Column—Chris Argyris, a noted behavioral psychologist, came up with the idea that people place their thoughts and feelings in one of two places: their Right-Hand Column or their Left-Hand Column. The Right-Hand Column is what we do say in the conversation. The Left-Hand Column includes what we think or feel but don’t say—the meaning we withhold from the conversation.

Master My Stories—A principle that help us control the emotions that drive our actions. We do this by challenging the stories we tell ourselves—we ask questions. One such question is "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?" Posing the question is NOT making an assumption that all people are reasonable, rational, and decent; rather, posing the question IS an effort to consider other possibilities. This increases the probability of getting what we really want.

"Or" Thinking—"Or" thinking is thinking that gets us into the rut of a “Sucker’s Choice” (see "And" Thinking). We believe we can only achieve one of two good outcomes, and there will be negative consequences either way (e.g., we can either be honest OR we can be kind).

Pool of Shared Meaning—Each of us enters a conversation with our own opinions, feeling, theories, and experiences about the topic. These make up our personal pool of meaning. When two or more people enter a crucial conversation, we build a pool of shared meaning—the more we add of each person's meaning, the more information is available to everyone involved and the better the decisions made.

Safety—Establishing an atmosphere where the other person in a conversation feels comfortable and free to talk about or listen to any topic, not matter how sensitive it may be.

Silence vs. Violence—The communication styles we revert to when we don’t feel safe in open dialogue. Silence is purposely withholding meaning from the shared pool; it ranges from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. Violence is trying to compel others toward your point of view using tactics like controlling, labeling, and attacking.

Six Sources of Influence—The six major categories of influences that drive people to do the things they do are: Personal Motivation, Personal Ability, Social Motivation, Social Ability, Structural Motivation, and Structural Ability.

Start with Heart—The first principle of good dialogue is that healthy dialogue starts with your own motives. Start With Heart means to start with the right motives and stay focused on what you really want throughout the conversation.

STATE My Path—A set of skills that help you share difficult feedback or risky meaning. STATE stands for Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing.

Style Under Stress—This is the communication style you naturally revert to when crucial conversations start getting tense. Being aware of your own Style Under Stress (whether it’s silence, violence, or dialogue) will help you guard against your worst tendencies and either catch problems early or avoid them altogether.

Sucker's Choice—These are false dilemmas that suggest we face only two options (both of them bad), when in fact we face several choices—some of them good. We suffer from “Or” Thinking.

What and If—The first principle of Crucial Confrontations™: problems come at us so rapidly and unannounced that we’re often caught by surprise. As a result, we move too quickly or become emotional and choose the wrong problem to address. To break this habit, we have to slow down, unbundle the problem into its components, and then choose What and If (what problem we’ll address, and if we should bring it up).

WWWF—Once you’ve diagnosed the root cause of a problem, it’s time to move to action and resolve it. Do this by creating and agreeing on a specific plan. Determine WWWF: Who does What by When and how you’ll Follow up.