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Crucial Conversations QA

Q&A: Family Vacations—Putting R&R Back on the Agenda

Dear Crucial Skills,

A group of my family and friends is flying to a wonderful resort for a family wedding. Everyone usually gets along, but when we travel together, one family member can be the deal breaker! She can be demanding and outspoken. Because I am a retired psychiatric nurse, I am usually called upon to help settle situations with her. I’m happy to help, but this is my holiday too. What can I do so that I can also relax?

Sincerely,
Needing a Vacation

Dear Needing,

Congratulations! You are obviously skilled at resolving interpersonal conflict, dicey situations, and family squabbles. That is a good skill set. Over the years, I’m sure you have been the reason that dinners, barbeques, holidays, and vacations have been salvaged and reasonably successful. So again, great work. Wouldn’t it be great if every family had a designated helper? Or two or three or four? I’m hinting at the solution.

The question is, what do you need a vacation from? On the first level, you need a vacation from work, routine, and stress—like we all do. On the next level, you need a vacation from being the designated conflict resolver. The need, I’m thinking, was self-created. When you saw a conflict, I’m imagining that with good intentions, you alone stepped up and then stepped in to resolve the conflict. Or you waited until tempers exploded, gossip overflowed, or family members were packing, and then someone begged you to help. Again, you intervened. Don’t get me wrong, during these many cycles, you helped a lot, but you also sent a message that the people arguing, domineering, bickering, or brawling, weren’t responsible or didn’t need to worry about their actions. The super nurse would always save the day, the trip, or the event. If you’re like me, saving the day can bring some personal gratification. But you and I, and others like us (you know who you are) have created a cycle that is tiring and stressful—a cycle that we now need a vacation from.

So with that introduction, I offer a little advice about how to create your own vacation. It begins by thinking about what gaps you need to consider and who you need to talk to.

Scenario 1

Who you address: Everyone in the party.

Gap: People need to resolve their own conflicts. In the past, you have always stepped in.
Strategy: You don’t do anything—before, during, or after. You send a non-verbal message that it’s not your job. The outcome is predictable and not pretty. I don’t suggest this possibility.

Scenario 2

Who you address: The demanding and outspoken family member.

Gap: We need everyone to behave well, and historically she has been domineering and outspoken.
Strategy: Talk to her privately about what would help the wedding go smoothly, and what could cause it not to. Ask her for her help. If she is agreeable, I’d ask if you could help by giving her an agreed upon, but very subtle signal, if she begins to behave in ways that might not help the other guests enjoy the wedding. This strategy is best if you and she have a friendly relationship. If not, I probably wouldn’t attempt it.

You should note that the previous scenario is preventative. It helps create clear expectations and comes with agreed-upon, real-time subtle cues. The next scenario is also preventative but takes a very different approach—a coaching approach.

Scenario 3

Who you address: Anyone who has had a falling out with the original demanding and outspoken family member.

Gap: They need to resolve their own conflicts. In the past, they have let these issues go from bad to worse, or asked you to intervene.

Strategy: Meet with them privately and tell them that you have intervened in the past and feel that you need a break. Tell them that they need to resolve the conflicts themselves. They can try to avoid conflict by being patient or avoiding behavior that eggs the other on. Or if there is a conflict, they can work it out themselves. Offer coaching help, but assure them that your time as the designated conflict-resolver is over. If they ask for coaching, share your ideas. I’m sure you have many helpful tips that work. (It might be too self-serving on my part if I suggest you recommend that they buy a copy of some good book on the subject.)

In conclusion, I again offer you my congratulations for having the ability to resolve conflicts. It seems you have saved a lot of events from completely unraveling. As a result, you have helped create some dependencies that now need to be reevaluated. I think that the last two possibilities I’ve noted will help you be less central in preserving your family unity. I’m sure you have the skills to do them; to the extent that they work, you will have earned your vacation.

Enjoy,

Al

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Al Switzler

Al Switzler is a New York Times bestselling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for organizational change. For thirty years, Al has delivered engaging keynotes for an impressive list of clientele including AT&T, Xerox, IBM, and Sprint. Al’s work has been translated into twenty-eight languages, is available in thirty-six countries, and has generated results for three hundred of the Fortune 500. read more

2 thoughts on “Q&A: Family Vacations—Putting R&R Back on the Agenda”

  1. This one was very close to home for me. After years of one or another “sisters” (there are 5) exploding at events I was asked to organize, I finally had to step aside. I was in graduate school, working full time with a young daughter. I was also extremely stressed from the encounters!

    As such I, identified how my time off was limited and turned the organizing over to the group. Although occasions diminished in number, sisters began to realize that time was short and precious when together; they realized it was important to minimize problem behavior. I have also chosen to arrive earlier to allow quiet time for me and chosen a role (most recent wedding this month as videographer) that allowed me to be more passive yet still engaged.

    I agree there is no easy answer, but paying attention to your needs and articulating them is crucial. The process of resolving family differences in public events is a stressor. With thought and care, in the end, everyone will refocus on the importance of the moment they are present to experience. Lin

  2. Thank you for this insightful article. I especially like how you offered 3 scenarios to handle.

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