Influencing Employees'
Bad Behavior

I want to make use of crucial conversations skills, but I see that they are almost entirely geared toward management roles. How do these skills apply to situations with our "superiors" rather than with others who report to us?

Signed,
Looking Up

We have some terrific news for you! Almost every example in the book Crucial Conversations that refers to peer or direct reporting conversations could be held in exactly the same way with those in authority. We learned many of the Crucial Conversations skills articulated in the book by watching individuals take on issues with:

1. Someone who was more powerful than they;
2. Someone who was generally quite defensive.

These were the circumstances that interested us the most. For example, we watched a physician give feedback to her medical director about how he was viewed as manipulative and untrustworthy as well as seriously incompetent. Now that's a crucial conversation!

What stunned us the most was when these less-powerful individuals were able to get their point of view across in a way that did not trigger the boss's defenses.

Here's what we learned: Bosses will listen to anyone who is skilled at making them feel safe. That's right: make it safe enough and you can talk about just about anything.

There are two special considerations in making bosses feel safe:

1. They must know that you respect them—and their position.
   
   
2. They must know that you care about their interests and appreciate that your understanding of their competing goals might be incomplete.

When bosses get defensive (or anyone for that matter), it is generally because you have failed to assure them on one or both of these two points.

Let me get personal now, and share an example of how I successfully faced a crucial conversation using this skill. I once worked with a CEO who at first meeting was as cuddly as a cactus. He was austere, physically imposing, verbally blunt, and short on patience. He and I had developed a culture-change strategy for his organization and had just finished a very successful communication of the plan to his senior staff. Following the broadcast, we were sitting in his stadium-sized office reviewing the next steps.

Alexander: Okay, so what's next?

Joseph: Well, the next step is the assessment process we discussed. Following that...

Alexander: Assessment? I don't want to assess anything. I'm sick of assessing. I want to do something.

Joseph: Uhhh.

So, there we were. The conversation just turned crucial. I'm facing someone whose next words would mean life or death for a project I really wanted. What should I do? Roll over to save the deal? Speak up to save my conscience—but risk offending him? I wanted the project to go forward and to help him understand the flaws I saw in his thinking. Understanding that he would not feel defensive if he felt safe with me, I tried to reassure him that 1) I knew who was boss and that 2) I cared about his interests. Here's what I said:

Joseph: I have a concern about skipping the assessment that I'd like to share. But first I want you to know that at the end of the discussion you are the CEO and I will do what you think is best. It's important to me that we accomplish something meaningful very quickly as well. If the plan doesn't do that, then it's flawed. So if you'd like I'd be happy to share with you the risks we'll face by skipping the assessment. If not, I'm willing to move on. What would you like me to do?

Alexander: What are the risks?

Do you see what happened? By reassuring him that I respected his position, I helped him avoid the need to demonstrate his power by shutting me down. By communicating that I cared about his need for quick results, I helped him avoid the need to advance that value by ignoring another one (assessment). If you had been in the room with me you would have noticed the immediate change in his body language. He shrunk back down to normal size. He leaned back again in his chair. And his face relaxed. I knew he felt safe, so I knew I could candidly address my concern.

The good news is that bosses are people, too. And the same things that make others feel unsafe are what make them feel unsafe. If you get good at reassuring them of your respect and confirming your commitment to their goals, they will give you a lot more latitude to challenge, give feedback, and disagree.

Best wishes,
Joseph Grenny

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RE: "Asking for a Commitment" (September 5, 2007)

I wanted to thank Mr. Grenny for his response to this month's question on Asking for a Commitment.

In true Crucial Conversations style, he started with heart—and I really appreciate the honesty and self-awareness Mr. Grenny expressed in his first reflection. It is this that allows us to connect with the topic—as I'm sure many people could identify with that nervousness on a level of personal experience.

I am looking forward to the next chance I get to put these concepts into practice, and it is exciting to have some markers that now show me whether I'm moving forward in the best direction too.

Kind Regards,
Sam F.

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RE: "No Time for Dialogue" (September 12, 2007)

I really enjoyed the excellent article written by Emily about the dilemma of time that commonly faces medical personnel when it comes to holding crucial conversations. I agree with her completely that it is mostly a dilemma of perception. Although I fully acknowledge that there are extreme circumstances where we should act immediately because of the potential for disastrous results.

I would offer two observations in addition to Emily's excellent advice. First, as an expansion of the idea presented in the response that addresses the pre-action/activity, medical teams typically do a lot of training and practice drills for emergencies and life-threatening situations. I would say that we, as a medical community, should start incorporating the teaching and tenants of Crucial Conversations into medical training. For example, we should describe in detail, to all team members, situations where they may have to function as medical tools for the sake of salvaging someone's life. It should be communicated that this in no way marginalizes them or ignores their training, abilities, intelligence, or potential value to the team. We should let it be widely known that when orders are yelled, barked, or given in a hostile-appearing manner, it is not because the person giving the orders has some personal issue with the person on the receiving end.

This leads me to the second point. Medical teams often (not often enough, in my opinion), have post-traumatic-event meetings where everyone has the opportunity to unpack their feelings about what happened, how it happened, and what could have been done better. This is where the best opportunity would be found to take time out of the equation, and really exercise Crucial Conversations teachings.

Thanks!
Mark T.

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Welcome Emily,

Thanks for your suggestions about how to handle time limited crucial conversations.

I am also a first line service supervisor for an extremely busy OR. Recently, I was running up the hall, looking for implants for team 1, carrying other supplies for team 2, reading my pager from team 3, when a staff member from team 4 wanted to speak with me. I asked her to walk and talk with me, but she demanded my undivided attention. Finally, I put everything down and looked at her after which she said she'd talk to me later.

Later, I asked to speak with her. She was rather unhappy with me because I hadn't made time for her earlier.

She wanted to trade me rooms because her case needed more equipment than mine. I hugged her and started laughing because earlier she had started this long story about what the case was, who the patient was, how many surgeons were going to be in her room, etc.

This poor staff member is one of my most trusted, favorite, experienced nurses but she wants to fully explain each action she takes. In her defense, the previous supervisor wanted full control of all decision making. I told her that in the future, if she sees a potential problem that could be easily fixed, to fix it! She doesn't have to give me all the details to ask the simple question!

I find it sad that competent professionals have been subjected to poor communication techniques, including mine. I've found myself encouraging my staff to please take the action necessary to care for the patient. I appreciate the suggestions from Crucial Conversations, because I need help in my busy day to either find the time to stop and listen or to be encouraging and concise at the same time I'm running full speed ahead!

Thanks!!
Wendy S.

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