Learn to Look for Your
Own Style Under Stress

I have a surgeon colleague who is flirting with a staff member. He is very obviously taken with her and cannot seem to help himself. She is now reciprocating the attention. Both are married to other people and the staff are becoming uncomfortable. I need some advice on how to have the conversation with the surgeon so we can maintain a professional working relationship.

Signed,
Flirting with Disaster

Yikes. That's about as sensitive a subject as you could take on.

And I absolutely agree that you must. People under the spell of intoxicating hormones often delude themselves into thinking that their behavior is either invisible or acceptable to everyone else in the world. Or they become so self-absorbed that they stop caring what others think. This is a tough veil to penetrate.

But there's a good chance you can.

Your first challenge will be to Start with Heart. You'll need to do this in a different way than we sometimes advocate. Your challenge will be to clarify what you really want out of this conversation. If you're like most of us, you'll be tempted to try not just to solve the problem of unprofessional behavior, you'll mix it in with some nonverbals—or even verbals—that cross into the moral domain. Knowing the two are married I'd personally find the behavior repugnant and be inclined to comment on this point.

If you want to succeed in dealing with the professional behavior problem, I suggest you not try to deal with your moral opinions. Mixing the two will likely result in you accomplishing neither. And it sounds as though your relationship with the two of them is not such that they are asking you for moral guidance.

If you are with me on the goal of the crucial conversation, then you need to prepare for it by gathering facts. Think of the facts you will need to share with them to help them nondefensively appreciate how their behavior is being perceived. For example, if the surgeon tends to place his hand on the small of the staff member's back when talking to her, and leaves it there for some time, you would note that and prepare to share this concrete behavioral description of your concern. Try to identify four or five behaviors in this way that will enable you to illustrate the problem.

And prepare to share them in a non-judgmental way. Do not, for example, say to the staff member, "You fawn all over him." Strip all the judgments and conclusions out of your description. Instead, say, "When he says something that few others find funny, you laugh loudly—not something you tend to do when others are making jokes."

Now that you've prepared by clarifying your goal, and by gathering the facts you'll need, you're ready to begin. Start the conversation with a contrasting statement that first points out what you are not trying to discuss—and then points out what you are discussing.

For example, "Doctor, do you have a minute? I'd like to have a private chat with you if now is okay." Continue when you have some privacy.

"I've noticed a few things between you and (the staff member). I was very, very reluctant to discuss it with you or her because frankly, for the most part, it's none of my business. I want you to know that I believe your personal matters are exactly that—personal. And I would not venture to intrude. The reason I'm bringing it up is that a few things you and she are doing are having an effect you may not be aware of. It's creating discomfort for others and may even affect the quality of care we're giving. Can I describe the concerns?"

With that said, share the behaviors you've observed. Then share how you've seen people reacting. Add how you believe future reactions may affect the doctor, his patients, and the team—or any other consequences you believe might be important to the doctor (or staff member when you speak with her).

If you want them to care enough about the problem to listen—in spite of their likely embarrassment as you raise the issue—be sure you're prepared to share natural consequences of their actions in the workplace that they would care about. If you do this and the previous steps well, you'll have the highest likelihood that you can get their ear and have an influence.

And if the concerns persist and cross ethical lines in the company, be sure to do what's right in getting HR or compliance involved.

Best wishes. Your very question demonstrates your commitment to doing the right thing. I trust you will.

Warmly,
Joseph

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RE: "How Do I Stop Office Gossip?" (June 6, 2007)

I'd like to suggest that your Step #3 become the first step in controlling rumors. I work in an HR department where rumors are the only source of information that workers get. Because managers do not share information about what is going on, people create stories and then share their stories with others to see if they have the same story. If managers want to eliminate or at least reduce gossip, nip it in the bud ahead of time by sharing information.

Heard It through the Grapevine

RE: "Crucial Tip: Respecting Those You Don't Respect" (June 6, 2007)

Thank you for the definition of respect printed in your most recent newsletter. I have worked in schools for over twenty years. When I deal with students' inappropriate behavior, I routinely hear them say, "You can't make me show respect. You have to earn my respect." I have always countered with, "You're right; I can't force you to respect anyone. But you are confusing respect with courtesy. You are required to show courtesy to everyone, whether you know them or not." Students are not always receptive, but some hear the message. I am glad to now add your definition to my repertoire. Hopefully I can get through to a few more students.

Thank you again, it was very well put.
Ken M.

RE: "Who's the Boss?" (June 13, 2007)

I enjoy your column and just want to add a comment about the "Who's the Boss" topic. Most new bosses continue to try and do their old job for awhile because it's what they know and are good at. Usually in time, they will have enough new duties that they will quit trying to do both jobs. Also, you can tell your employees to go ahead and do what your boss asks but back-brief you so that you still know what's going on and can continue to set priorities. I think it's a little early for putting out resumes.

Sarah W.

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Kerry,

I love your columns and look forward to reading each one for your stories and insight (the columns about your grandfather are real keepers), but I think you missed the mark with this one. This situation indeed seems to be a tough one, but I think the natural consequence of the boss always going around the new manager is that the boss will come to feel that the new manager's position is not needed—all the more so if he makes himself difficult to work with by defending his turf against the man who clearly still feels that it's his turf, too. My company has removed about five levels of management in the past twenty years (as have many) and a job of receiving work from above and distributing it below doesn't exist anymore. It seems to me that the new manager has to figure out what value his role adds to the company, and then make sure that he adds it. I think a better and more productive approach than opposing his boss would be to ask to be included in discussions so that he can better support the boss's objectives. That's the natural consequence of being left out of the loop—he can't help.

Doug H.

RE: "Kerrying On: Restless Thoughts" (June 20, 2007)

Thanks for the very funny editorial in today's edition! While always helpful, today's was just what the doctor ordered! Of course my coworkers in their cubicles all think I have lost it now . . . coffee out the nose while laughing is always interesting in the workplace.

Regards,
Holly S.

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I typically enjoy the content of your newsletter and find it informative and useful in my work. But the "Restless Thoughts" article, in my view, should have been titled "Useless Thoughts." I don't see how this babble is useful to anyone. I look to this newsletter for information that will help me in my communication and engagement skills, and not for entertainment (not that the article was very entertaining either). I think you can do better than this. Please stick to content consistent with the title of your newsletter—"Crucial Skills."

Mark T.

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