Talking to Your Teens about Drugs

Thanks to everyone who submitted an entry to our "Talking to Your Teens about Drugs" contest. We're pleased to announce the two grand prize winners of the contest, who each won a $150 American Express gift card. You can read their stories below.

Grateful Student

In May of 2004, our eighteen-year-old son graduated from high school with honors and everything looked rosy as we prepared mentally to become empty nesters. The first semester he was at college went fairly smooth, and then something happened. His grades started slipping and we discovered that he was missing a lot of classes. His attitude and personality were changing for the worse, and visits became emotionally charged events. All of my leadership training told me the warning signs for drugs were there, but I kept telling myself another story: “Not my kid; it's just a stage they all go through.”

About the same time, the company I work for decided all managers should attend a new training called "Crucial Conversations." Oh boy, I thought. Here's another flavor of the month to take me from my busy schedule and complicate matters even further.

At some point during the training, I realized that this was not just another feel-good class—it offered a powerful lesson that would benefit my personal life as well as my ability to manage others.

The downward spiral with my son continued. He was fired from his part-time job for late/absenteeism, his landlord was threatening eviction for excessive noise, and the university expelled him for attendance. I could no longer afford to "let it ride;” I had to do something quickly or risk losing my son forever. I took the two things I remembered most about the Crucial Conversations class—start with heart and make it safe—and headed for my son’s apartment. I said them over and over on the way and asked myself, "What do I really want?" I wanted my son back!

I focused on starting with heart, explaining my intentions and sharing what was most important to me. I was careful not to appear condescending or threatening, and I was willing to go overboard to make it safe. The turning point came when I explained that I was only concerned about the real issue—his happiness and well-being. I explained that I was not an expert, but I cared deeply about him and knew of a counselor who was an expert in his field. He was free to discuss whatever he wanted with the counselor, and neither I nor his mom would ever know. My son agreed to start seeing the counselor, but he regressed several times over the next few months. Each time we would make the trip back and begin another series of crucial conversations by making it safe and starting with heart.

Though stressful, the conversations occurred without silence or violence. This required continually exploring our mutual purpose in a non-threatening way. By not focusing on "cause," only "results," we were able to overcome the many excuses and move the conversations in the right direction.

After several attempts, I began to really doubt my effectiveness at crucial conversations. It was certainly better than the emotionally charged, heated arguments we were experiencing before, but the results did not seem to last. Then one evening my son came home to start a crucial conversation of his own. He had decided to join the military and would be leaving shortly for basic training.

His life has since been one success story after another. He came back home to marry his high school sweetheart and is now serving his country overseas. On this Veterans Day, I talked with a young man full of self-esteem and saw the tears of happiness in his mom's eyes.

Signed,
Grateful Student
Kansas

-----------------------------------

Focusing on the End Result

As the working mother of five young adults ranging from 15 to 22, I have repeatedly been saved by the crucial conversations skills I have learned over the past couple of years. The most recent conversation was with my sixteen-year-old son, Matt. Because of drug use, on Halloween Matt was acting out of character and was openly carrying a friend's authentic—and very sharp—sword. A wise adult saw this and called the police, and Matt's father and I were called to the police station.

My first reaction was to listen to Matt. Pre-Crucial Conversations days, my first reaction would have been to talk, lecture, and ask Matt "why?" For many reasons, my husband, Jon, and I did not speak to Matt that night. We did, however, stay up most of the night and into the next morning, discussing what, how, when, and where we were going to talk with him. We had observed Matt pulling away from the family for some time, but had had nothing tangible to hold onto. Now we did. We took action. First, Matt's room was thoroughly inspected for drugs. Second, we talked with him.

Making it safe, I have learned, is necessary to be successful in crucial conversations. So we took Matt for a walk around our neighborhood. This gave us privacy and a fresh outlook every step of the way. In our conversation we focused not on the drugs, not on the sword, and not on the police, but rather on what he wanted to be when he grew up (his goals in life). By focusing on the end result, we were able to walk through what actions would help him get to where he wanted to go and what he should be avoiding. It was he, in the end, who lectured himself.

The skills I've learned, and continue to be reminded of each time the Crucial Skills Newsletter comes, have become part of my support system.

Thanks,
Ellen Leathers
Missouri

For more information on how to have a crucial conversation with your teenager about drugs, visit www.crucialconversations.com/anti-drug

Back to Top