Getting the Cold Shoulder at Work
|
About the Author |
Joseph
Grenny is coauthor of the New York Times bestseller, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.  more |
Dear Authors,
A few years ago I
interviewed a woman for a
specific job which she
didn't get. Two years later
she interviewed me for a job
that I did receive. I heard
through the grapevine she
didn't want me to get the
job as she felt someone else
was more qualified. We are
in the same department now
and have the same job title.
For five and a half years,
I've been polite, smiled and
said hello in the hallways,
asked about her vacations,
started small talk, etc. She,
on the other hand, provides
an occasional forced smile
and limited eye contact,
like I'm invisible. She has
only started one
conversation with me in all
these years.
I'm not a chatty person, but
a little friendly hello or
smile would be nice. I want
to break down the barrier
between us, but I don't want
to come off as being overly
personal or needy. How can I
approach her and overcome
this after all this time?
Signed,
"The Other Woman"
Dear
Other Woman,
Sometimes I find it useful
to spell out my options.
When I do so it helps me
become more decisive rather
than a harboring a nagging
feeling of vague
dissatisfaction and a
gnawing hope for a magical
solution.
I think your options are as
follows:
1. Get over it. Just accept that you won’t have warm
relationships with everyone
and don’t let it drag you
down.
2. Continue the campaign. It sounds like your strategy so far has
been to be overtly polite or
solicitous and hope that
this communicates your
desire to have a cordial
relationship. It also sounds
like the current level of
your campaign has failed
(five and a half years is
probably a long enough trial
period!).
3. Bring it into the open.
If #1 seems like a cop-out to you
and #2 seems like more of
the same, then you’re left
with the crucial
conversation option. My
coauthor, Al Switzler, has
often said that “A clear bad
relationship is preferable
to a vague bad
relationship.” What you have
now is a vague bad
relationship. You don’t know
where you stand, you just
know the “other woman” seems
cold to you. You think you
know why, but you’re not
sure. If you step forward to
have a crucial conversation
with her, there’s a chance
things could get worse—but
the likelier outcome is
that—if done well—you may
get information that could
help you understand why
things seem strained. From
there you may be able to
make things better.
I’ll offer two suggestions
for kicking off this
conversation.
First, you need to invite
her into the conversation.
It’s likely she’ll feel
threatened by admitting to
the problems both of you
have avoided discussing for
over five years. So you need
to give her a reason to
engage. Check your own
motives at the same time.
Clearly you want to improve
things so you don’t feel
social discomfort around
her. She may be interested
in that, too. But how else
would she benefit if the two
of you had a better
relationship? And are you
sincerely motivated to help
her get these benefits? If
so, you may begin with
something like:
“Can we get a cup of coffee
this afternoon? I’d like to
get twenty minutes with you
to get some feedback from
you and to see if there’s a
way I can be a better
teammate. Would that be
okay?”
I don’t know if this is the
right offer—but come up with
a way of inviting her that
sounds inviting, friendly,
and limited. The "twenty
minutes" lets her know this
doesn’t have to be an
emotional therapy session.
Coffee communicates the same
limited risk.
Second, when you get
together start with
“priming.” Reaffirm your
reason for taking this time,
then lay out your reasons
for believing there’s a
problem between you in a way
that makes it easy for her
to acknowledge. We call this
“priming” because it’s akin
to priming a pump—you put a
little water in to help get
the flow of water started.
You do so by taking a guess
at the thing the other
person might have a hard
time saying. For example:
“Thanks again for taking a
few minutes. Here’s what I’m
thinking. We’ve worked
together for five years and
I think our relationship has
been okay—but not
particularly warm. I would
like to collaborate better
with you and be a good
colleague to you. I wonder,
though, if something
happened when we first
started that got us off on
the wrong foot. For example,
that you think I did you
wrong when I interviewed for
the job you didn’t get?
Perhaps that I was unfair or
political about it?
“I’d like to get your
feedback about anything I’ve
done to damage my
relationship with you so I
can learn from it, but also
so I can resolve it and
improve things between us as
well. Have I done anything
that bothered you?”
Again, don’t focus on my
exact words as much as the
underlying principles. If
you want to improve things,
the likeliest path may be an
attempt at a crucial
conversation. And the
likeliest path to help that
succeed will be to make it
safe for her to join you in
that conversation and to get
the ball rolling by “priming
the pump.” If you’re willing
to open yourself up to feedback
like this, it may help her
question her view of you and
reciprocate by opening
up as well.
Best of luck,
Joseph
Back to Top
