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August 11, 2010   Vol. 8 Issue 32   visit archive   share  



  
Q&A
Escaping the E-communication Trap

 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Joseph Grenny
Joseph Grenny is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
  
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Q  Dear Crucial Skills,

My youngest daughter lives several states away and it is difficult at best to have a conversation with her. Nearly all our communication comes via text messaging and e-mail. If this happened on occasion, it wouldn't be so bad, but it seems that 99.9 percent of our conversations are through texting. As a result, we have had misunderstandings from time to time. My daughter hates talking on the phone so we're stuck in this e-communication trap. Any suggestions on how to effectively broach this "new" technology and reduce the chances of misunderstandings?

Signed,
e-Mom

A  Dear e-Mom,

It's kind of ironic that I'm answering your question about the perils of electronic communication using electronic communication. It's especially so because I'm going to make a bunch of assumptions about what's really going on in order to offer you a buffet of ideas. But let's agree that this is the kind of buffet where you take what you want and leave the rest—so I can run wild with ideas without making hurtful judgments. In fact, my guesses are likely to reveal more about myself than you! So relax and enjoy.

1.  Hold the right conversation. The first crucial conversation you need to hold is with yourself. You may want to consider whether her preference for texting is simply generational or is evidence of some other concern. For example, is she using texting to maintain some boundaries with you? If she felt you were not allowing her enough distance and independence, she might use texting as a convenient way to maintain emotional space. Or is there some other issue that would cause her to "act out" her feelings using texting rather than talking them out in a more direct way?

This introspection is important because if there is something else in the relationship that you need to deal with it would be important to identify the issue rather than assume she is simply a poor judge of good communication vehicles. If there is another issue, I'd suggest you take that up with her first.

2.  Work on me first. If you're confident the relationship is up to date and the issue is truly that she's substituting convenience for effectiveness, then my best advice is that you lead by example. She's your youngest, right? Well, it may be unwise to expect her to appreciate the niceties of mature communication for years to come. So I'd suggest when you see the issue requires more bandwidth than texting, you pick up the phone and make it happen. I'd also suggest you do this sparingly for reason #1 above. I'm reading into this—but with most kids the development of independence is an important psychological process that can take years. Talking with you on the phone may remind her of the power differential between the two of you that she has experienced her whole life. If that's part of the dynamic here, it's best to ask her to experience that as seldom as necessary.

3.  Master your story. This last suggestion is highly autobiographical. When I make brilliant and very wise suggestions to my kids and they ignore them, I notice that I feel much more bothered than I should if my only motive were their betterment. In fact, I often feel a bit peeved. When I break down this emotion, I have to admit that the reason for my excess irritation is not their disregard of my supernal gift on insight, but the story I'm telling myself about their choice. I tell myself that their decision is evidence of disrespect. Or worse, intentional rebellion. In doing so, I am giving them advice with big strings attached. I'm not saying, "Here's a useful idea." Rather, I'm saying, "Do you like me?" or "Do you respect me?" Because somewhere in my subconscious, I believe that if they truly respected me, then they'd always take my advice.

I've found that I cannot be a good influence on my kids unless I master this story. Especially with adult children, I must be willing to respect their independence and offer ideas with no such emotional strings attached. When I cleanse myself of this hidden agenda, I find they respond much differently to my advice. And I respond much differently to their response.

Best wishes in your virtual—and actual—relationships!
Joseph

related material: Comment
vol. 3 issue 16: Absentee Boss    
vol. 4 issue 18: Volunteer Micromanager
vol. 6 issue 28: Crucial Conversations Over the Phone

  
Change Anything
Changing Spending Habits
By Craig V.

Craig V

My wife and I were in financial distress. We had $10,000 in credit card debt, lived month-to-month, and didn't have any savings because every penny we earned went toward our large mortgage or to pay child support from my previous marriage. We were frustrated, out of control, and just plain stuck.

We had a budget, but we constantly adjusted it to meet our wants and rationalized purchases we couldn't afford. For example, we bought a new car without ever considering whether or not we could afford it. After a few months we realized our "fun car" was a burden—the payments were too high and we rarely drove it.

That was our turning point. We realized our seemingly small purchases—vacations, eating out, clothing—added up. We committed to make the changes necessary to get our lives under control. Within just a few months, we saved thousands of dollars by making the following changes.

Source 1: Love What You Hate—One of our greatest challenges was changing the way we thought about money. We realized that spending money crowded our life rather than enhancing it. My wife went on a no shopping spree and realized not spending money was actually rewarding. She learned to love what she hated. I now repeat inspirational phrases such as "a penny saved is a penny earned" or "sacrifice now makes for a better future later" to remind myself that I am much happier when I avoid spending money. When we eliminate expenses, I think of it as getting a raise because it means we have more money to save or spend on other things. Making these small changes in the way we think made all the difference.

Source 2: Do What You Can't—We wanted to change our habits, but we honestly didn't know how. Luckily, my coworker shared Total Money Makeover with us and we found a place to start. We built on this knowledge by visiting the public library and checking out books and movies (for free) that helped us learn how to save. This gave us an opportunity to spend quality time together. In fact, we enjoyed the library so much that we canceled our cable subscription and rented movies from the library.

With our new knowledge, we created a new budget and identified expenses we could eliminate. One of our most liberating changes was selling the "fun car" and riding the bus to work. Because my company pays for public transportation, we saved thousands of dollars by making this one change.

I also went through Crucial Conversations Training and learned how to effectively talk to my wife about finances. We are now comfortable holding each other accountable and talking about our finances honestly and respectfully.

Sources 3 & 4: Turn Accomplices into Friends—We realized that by allowing each other to make constant changes to our budget, we enabled each other's bad habits. We learned to hold each other accountable for spending money and now talk to each other before spending $50 or more.

We also meet regularly with coworkers and friends who are interested in financial fitness. We encourage each other, follow up on commitments, and share ideas for saving money. This support has helped all of us to change our behavior and stick to our financial plans.

Source 5: Invert the Economy—To change our behavior, we had to reverse our thinking by focusing on the long-term rewards instead of short-term gratification. We are motivated to stick to our budget and say "no" to excessive spending because we now understand the need to plan for retirement. In addition to maxing out Roth IRA accounts for retirement, we established escrow accounts for new cars, vacations, and other large purchases. We also established an emergency fund and saved six months of salary in case one of us loses our job.

We also reward ourselves by going on a weekly date. This helps us feel rewarded in the short term for things that often don't pay off for many months or years.

Source 6: Control Your Space—In order to take control of our spending, we had to control our environment. We realized that in addition to a large mortgage payment, we spent a lot of money on home improvement projects. We also realized these expenses were often unnecessary and excessive so we sold our house and bought a town home. We removed the temptation for home improvement and reduced our mortgage payments.

We realized we would need additional income to pay our current bills so I took another job umpiring baseball games. Not only is this something I love that also brings in extra cash, but it also helps me avoid spending because I have less free time and therefore opportunity to spend impulsively.

We also maintain control by tracking our purchases. My wife tracks every receipt in a spreadsheet which we review regularly. It also helps us identify exactly where our money is going and where we can cut back.

We are now debt free, save 15 percent of our earnings for retirement, and make extra payments on our mortgage. I pay all of my child support bills as well as save for vacations, cars, and other large purchases. This life-altering change has improved our relationship and given us freedom and hope.

Editor's Note: Similar stories of inspiring change will be featured in our upcoming book about personal change due to be released Spring 2011. If you have an inspiring story of personal change, please send it to editor@vitalsmarts.com and include "Change Anything Story" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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