During the month of July, we will run "best of" content from the authors. The following article first appeared on January 11, 2006.

	ABOUT THE AUTHOR Al Switzler is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. READ MORE BOOK A SPEAKER

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I find myself in the uncomfortable position of "choking up" during some crucial conversations. This is not a frequent occurrence by any means, but comes on when I least expect it. You can imagine how this adds a whole new dynamic to the discussion. I actually have had to say "excuse me while I collect myself," take a few minutes and a few deep breaths, then resume. It goes as suddenly as it came, but I feel the damage was done. Can you offer any advice on how to deal with this in the moment and after the fact?

Signed,
Choked Up

Your comments and question are effective reminders that life comes at us fast. Crucial conversations fit right in this arena. Crucial conversations are defined as having "high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions"—and often we don't have time to plan out these kinds of conversations in advance. What I hear in your comments is that you don't frequently get emotional, and when you do, it's about something that matters—a lot. All of that is pretty normal. We've run into this dynamic very often when coaching others. Let me share a few points about what we've learned.

1. People can get better at catching their own emotions early. Everyone has some kind of response when conversations turn crucial. The difference between the good and the best is how quickly they notice the response and use it as an "early warning sign" to switch to using their very best skills. Think about what some of these early indicators are:

· Some people's faces turn red.
· Some people can feel their pulse—often in their temples.
· Some people's breathing changes—it speeds up, or lengthens.
· People's voices can increase or decrease in volume.
· There may be churning in the gut or butterflies in the stomach.

There are any number of other possible reactions—pay close attention and learn to recognize your own early warning signs. What are they? How could you catch them early? The best see these signs as signals and have a little voice that tells them, "Ooh—this conversation just turned crucial; I need to use my best skills." And they are more likely to do exactly that. The next time you have a situation where you get choked up, review it after the fact and ask, what should I have noticed earlier that would have signaled me to use my best skills? After a few cycles people can make big improvements.

2. Building or rebuilding safety is at the heart of the interaction. I congratulate you on the steps you have taken to restore safety. When a conversation becomes unsafe for you or for the other person, you should rightfully "call a time out." In Crucial Conversations, we discuss this as "stepping out of the content and rebuilding safety." The problem is that most of us get hooked into the content. We get so captivated by what is being said that we don't look at the conditions surrounding the conversation.

Why is this the case? If you are like most people, you have a lot on your plate and are committed to getting things done. You have time pressures and commitments hanging over your head. You might be talking to someone who is verbally slower, or faster, or someone who is more powerful or more determined to argue until they get their way. In such circumstances, content hogs the spotlight. The conditions that make conversations safe can fade from view. When the conditions fail, safety is at risk as people move toward silence or violence.

Catch it early. "I've noticed that I'm getting a little emotional here. Could we take five minutes?" Or it might sound something like this: "I've noticed that we seem to be debating this issue. I've been putting my point forward—perhaps too strongly. I'd like to turn that around and ask more questions so that I can understand your points clearly. Would that be okay?" By fixing the conditions, you increase safety—and the content can flow more freely.

3. It's never too late to fix relationships that matter. When we lose it during a conversation, it's never too late to go back and try to fix it. Apologize appropriately and share your intentions. For example, "Last week, when we were talking about budget, I got 'choked up.' You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry it happened and I'm working on controlling my emotions. I hope we can continue to have effective conversations in the future. That's what I'd like."

In closing, let me repeat that your challenge is one that affects all of us. Learning to control your emotions can lead to significant and lasting improvements.

Best wishes,
Al

related material:
vol. 2 issue 33: Looking for a Promotion
vol. 6 issue 32: How to Share and Not Show Your Feelings
vol. 7 issue 16: How to Control Your Emotions

In last month's Change Anything column, we published an inspiring story from Michael Vitali. This month, Michael shares the specific strategies he used to overcome his addictions.

I started smoking cigarettes when I was eleven years old. Since then, I've abused every drug on the market: speed, heroine, meth, LSD, prescription drugs. You name it—I've been addicted to it. My pursuit of temporary freedom started me on a twenty-year downward spiral in which I alienated my family, lost friends, sabotaged my career, experienced homelessness, and served multiple jail sentences.

After years of denial, I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic and drug addict, and realized I could not continue my current lifestyle without suffering the consequences. When I was released from prison, I started making changes I knew would be necessary to get my life back on track. To change my life I knew I had to make changes in every area of my life. Here's how I succeeded.

Personal Motivation: Love What You Hate—In prison, I found myself saying, "This is not your life!" I cried to God for help and made a commitment to never lose control of my addictive personality again. After my release, my sponsor gave me advice I'll never forget: "Anything you put before your sobriety—whether it's your family, friends, or job—you will lose."

I remind myself of these experiences often and make my sobriety my number one priority and focus. Whenever I see people drinking, I say to myself, "Drinking is not for you. You can't handle it. It's not an option." I try to focus on what I really want out of life, and that picture doesn't include drugs or alcohol.

Personal Ability: Do What You Can't—I began attending AA meetings three times a day. I also engaged in group therapy and counseling. In these sessions, I learned about chemical dependency and the techniques needed to live a joyous and substance-free life. Specifically, I learned how to relate to other human beings, basic life skills such as making coffee and cleaning, and most importantly, how to control my anger and emotions through talking through my problems rather than taking drugs and alcohol.

I also went back to school and earned a bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. I started a successful career doing leadership development for an organization that provides housing and treatment for youth with behavioral and emotional problems.

Social Motivation and Ability: Turn Accomplices into Friends—I stopped hanging out with my partying friends—or rather, they stopped hanging out with me because I only wanted to go to AA meetings or out for coffee. My friends from AA became my support network. I learned from them how to behave and interact with people again. In fact, one of my AA friends offered me my first post-prison job.

I also called my sponsor daily to report on my progress and receive encouragement. My mother sent "I Believe in You" cards to me. They simply said, "Dear Michael, I.B.I.Y. Love, Mom." Among other things, support from friends and family motivated me to stay straight.

Structural Motivation: Invert the Economy—I recognized the physical and psychological costs of my bad behavior and decided I did not want to lose control again. The fear of returning to prison constantly motivated me to stay sober.

Structural Ability: Control Your Space—After prison, I moved in with my mom. I knew she was the only one who would get all of the drugs and alcohol out of the house. In college, I lived alone so I could maintain control of my environment and be less stressed. I never went to bars or parties where alcohol was served, and I always made sure I had a car or a bike so I would be able to get to my AA meetings.

I have not had the compulsion to drink or take drugs in twenty years. I use my past experiences to constantly improve the quality of my future. The changes that have taken place in my life are difficult to put into words. When I reflect on my life over the past few years, I can honestly say I like what I see. What was once dark, foreboding, and full of despair has become a joyous and rewarding life.

Editor's Note: Similar stories of inspiring change will be featured in our upcoming book about personal change due to be released Spring 2011. If you have an inspiring story of personal change, please send it to editor@vitalsmarts.com and include "Change Anything Story" in the subject line of your e-mail.