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May 3, 2006
Volume 4 Issue 17Previous Issues
IN THIS ISSUE
  • Survey Results: Weight Issues
  • News: VitalSmarts at ASTD
  • Q&A: Unfair Compensation
  • Crucial Applications
  • Where Can I Learn More?
  • Contact Us
  • SURVEY RESULTS
    Weight Issues

    Thanks to all of you who participated in our most recent online survey on talking to your children about weight issues.

    Survey data revealed that 2/3 of parents don't talk to their kids about their weight. See the graph below for the most common reasons parents cited for not holding the crucial conversation.

    Also see this issue's Crucial Applications for some tips from Joseph Grenny on how to effectively talk to your child about losing or gaining weight.

    When you think about talking to your child about his or her weight, what concerns do you have? (Check all that apply.)

    1. It will make his/her weight problem worse.

    2. It will hurt his/her long-term relationship with me.

    3. Child will think I've betrayed or attacked him/her.

    4. It will undermine child's self esteem.

    5. Child will take it personally or feel hurt.

    6. Conversation is awkward and unpleasant.

    NEWS
    VitalSmarts at ASTD

    VitalSmarts will be exhibiting at the ASTD 2006 International Conference & Expo May 8-10, in Dallas, Texas.

    Joseph Grenny will be speaking Monday, May 8, from 2:15-3:00 p.m. in Ballroom C1.

    We will also be giving away a free copy of your choice of either Crucial Conversations or Crucial Confrontations at our booth (#1041). Joseph will be signing books at the booth on Tuesday morning from 9:30-10:00 a.m.

    For more VitalSmarts events, click here.

    WHERE CAN I LEARN MORE?
    Crucial Conversations
  • 5/9-10 Atlanta, GA
  • 5/16-17 Chicago, IL
  • 5/16-17 Boston, MA
  • 5/23-24 Phoenix, AZ
  • 6/6-7 San Francisco, CA
  • 6/27-28 Philadelphia, PA
  • 7/25-26 Irvine, CA
  • 7/25-26 New York, NY
    More

    Crucial Confrontations
  • 5/9-10  New York, NY
  • 6/13-14  Irvine, CA
  • 8/8-9  Boston, MA
    More


    Crucial Conversations
  • 5/4, 11:00-12:15 PM MT  Overview
  • 6/1, 11:00-12:15 PM MT  Overview

    Crucial Confrontations
  • 5/18, 11:00-12:15 PM MT  Overview
  • 6/15, 11:00-12:15 PM MT  Overview

    Register today for an event by clicking on one of the links above.

    For questions, contact us toll free at 1-800-449-5989.

  • CONTACT US
    Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? E-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com.

    Submit your question online to the authors of Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations.

    About the Authors
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    “There is always hope when people are
    forced to listen to both sides."
    - John Stuart Mill

    Unfair Compensation

    About the Author


    Joseph Grenny is coauthor of the New York Times bestseller, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.more

    Dear Authors,

    I know of a very hard-working individual presently employed in State Government who is being paid unfairly. She is very well trained in her profession and has even been recognized nationally for her work. She routinely carries about double the workload of others doing the same or similar job. Finally, she has been evaluated by past and current supervisors as being highly dependable, knowledgeable, and needing little or no supervision. Her performance ratings have always described her as exceeding expectations.

    In spite of her contribution, upper management staff have repeatedly denied her requests to be classified within the same title and pay range as others with the same duties. She has requested salary reviews and even filed a formal complaint only to have it be ignored.

    What else can she do?

    Sincerely,
    Out of Ideas


    Dear Out of Ideas,

    In answering your question, I am going to make a couple of assumptions. First, I'm going to assume that your friend has exhausted all organizational channels to get redress. Second, I'm going to assume there may be additional legal channels involving a labor lawyer she hasn't exhausted for fear of bringing a political backlash.

    With those assumptions in place, let's talk about holding the right conversation. There are three potential levels of conversation people can hold. First is the content level—the initial problem you face. In your friend’s case, this is her original concern about unfair pay. She has already held this conversation and is dissatisfied with the result. So she should not waste her time holding it again.

    Second is the pattern level. The pattern she is concerned about here is the continued failure of her employer to acknowledge or address her concern. She has done a good job here by escalating the concern and then filing a formal complaint. She has held the pattern conversation by helping leaders know they have repeatedly neglected her concern. She is done with this level.

    Last is the relationship level. The relationship conversation at last puts on the table the need to renegotiate the relationship. Options include everything from changing boundaries or interdependencies in a relationship up to possibly disengaging entirely. Often people fail in their crucial confrontations because they fail to move from the pattern to the relationship conversation when they should.

    This sometimes occurs because they fail to a) take responsibility for their own interests in the relationship; and b) count the costs to themselves of continuing as is. In a sense, your friend could become an enabler to the relationship she doesn't like by continuing it long past the point that she feels well served by it.

    So my first advice to your friend is to take responsibility for her interests in her employment relationship. If she has, in fact, exhausted all organization channels to get redress, then she must decide what she really wants. Is the security and fulfillment she's getting from her work more important than the benefit of getting what she considers fair compensation elsewhere? Or is her feeling fairly compensated a higher value?

    If she decides that the compensation value is of highest importance, she should leave. She may also want to give consideration to offering her reasons for leaving so that leaders will better understand the costs of their behavior toward people like her in the future.

    Having left, she may also find there are additional legal channels available to recoup past compensation. This is not our area of expertise and we would encourage her to visit with a labor lawyer for expert advice on her options.

    The bottom line here is—realize the first conversation you must have is with yourself. What do you really want? Second, if your decision is to disengage from the relationship, hold that conversation.

    I wish you the best in finding a situation where you are truly valued and properly compensated.

    Joseph

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    Weighty Conversations
    By Joseph Grenny

    How do you appropriately and effectively talk to your child about losing or gaining weight? Joseph Grenny says parents can be a good influence if they do it right. He offers the following tips for effectively talking to your child about weight issues:

      1. Don't make a "sucker's choice." Parents go wrong when they decide to focus on either maintaining the relationship OR helping their child lose or gain weight. You must try to do both. Focusing on the relationship only leads you to dance around the delicate discussion of your child's weight, causing you to surrender your responsibility to be a positive influence. Focusing only on "getting them to lose weight" sucks you into becoming the food warden or the exercise police. This inevitably ruptures your relationship and arouses resentment from your child.

      2. Listen—a lot. Help children think about their life goals. Ask what's important to them in terms of health and appearance. Don't manipulate them toward your own answers to these questions, but truly listen to what they want. If they bring up the topic of losing (or gaining) weight, ask them what they think about the topic. What do they want? Why?

      3. Become a coach, not the boss. If your child is interested in becoming healthier, offer to become a coach. Also remember that a good coach leads by example. Demonstrate your own commitment to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Throughout the coaching process, negotiate ground rules for signs that your assistance is no longer wanted. The important thing to understand is that you will never succeed in helping your child become better if he or she isn't taking the lead. Never coach a child who doesn't want coaching.

      4. Motivate through natural consequences. If your child is not interested in changing his or her health, ask for an opportunity to challenge his or her point of view on the topic. Since you can't change someone's mind who doesn't want it changed, approach children with a genuine willingness to be refused. If they do refuse, back down and wait until you see signs they may be open. If they accept, carefully present information that might motivate them to value maintaining a healthy weight more highly. You might share information from magazine articles or even your own life stories that demonstrate the benefits of a healthy lifestyle or the negative consequences of not having one. Be sure to focus on consequences your child would care about (e.g., job prospects, better self-image, and options for physical activities).

      5. Maintain respect. Through all of this, share everything in a way that demonstrates your unconditional love for your child and your continued respect for him or her regardless of what he or she chooses to do.

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