A relatively new male hire in my wife's company invited the other men out to a "male bonding lunch." He asked a female coworker at equal level for advice on where to go and to call in their reservation.

While the men were gone the women discussed this occurrence and felt it was rude and sexist. Some of the men were embarrassed as well when they realized none of the women were invited. Now, there is a sexual discrimination feeling that did not exist before.

What crucial conversations need to happen and who needs to be involved? How can these conversations be handled sensitively?

Signed,
What To Do?

Knowing when to speak up and how? And who needs to be involved? Ah, those are the tough, life-changing questions. Let me address a couple of points.

First, who owns a crucial conversation? And, how do you know when you should own it? Over the years, I have found two principles that help answer these questions:

1. That little voice in your head either screams or won't go away. When the "new male hire" asked the question, the "female coworker" probably had a little voice that said, "Male bonding lunch? Is this a good thing?" or "Me call in the reservation? This is not a good thing!" She could have brought up one or both issues right then. She could have also caught herself getting ticked and asked the humanizing question ("Why would a reasonable, rational, decent human ask this?"), concluded he was new, and then simply asked if they could talk about both issues.

Or, the male hire could have noted his female coworker's subtle non-verbal signals (rolled eyes and white knuckles wrenching a budget document) and noted that she seemed upset and asked why. Either person could have owned the conversation in real time, which is the ideal situation.

2. We start acting it out, instead of talking it out.This is another indicator that we are failing to own up to a crucial conversation. When this happens, we talk about people instead of to people.

The two biggest ways we act it out instead of talk it out are by 1) gossip and 2) non-verbal signals like avoidance, frowning, sarcasm, etc. Bystanders can diffuse the situation by helping others realize that their gossip or non-verbals are a sign that they are avoiding a crucial conversation.

In this case, instead of keeping her conclusions to herself and talking to her male cowoker, she talked to others about the issue. She opened that proverbial can of worms and now everyone is dealing with numerous trust and respect issues. Any colleague could have stopped her by saying, "Whoa. He's new. Let's help him understand when he comes back," but that also didn't happen.

Second, how do you start such a conversation? Since both of the coworkers failed to catch the mistake before lunch, it needs to be addressed as soon as it is safe. To create safety, she must first master her story by reminding herself that she doesn't really know why he did what he did. This will help her control her emotions and conclusions.

The first crucial conversation needs to be a private conversation between the female coworker and her male coworker. She must lead with observations and questions, rather than emotions and conclusions. This one step alone can make a huge difference.

The second crucial conversation should be with the entire company. To help diffuse the tension that has been introduced into the culture, gather the entire company together and set clear expectations around what behaviors are and are not acceptable. Make sure you reach complete agreement between everyone before concluding the meeting. This conversation is the first step to avoiding future instances, creating guidelines to hold others accountable to, and ensuring that everyone operates under common expectations. Make sure to communicate these expectations to new employees upon hire.

I have only scratched the surface. But what I have covered is powerful. Anyone can own a crucial conversation—whether it's real time (the best) or next time (which is still good).

Best wishes,
Al

Back to top

Saving My Son
By Nancy T.

Like many parents, our 25-year-old son lives with us, but his disrespectful behavior and detachment were becoming intolerable. He was having problems at work and eventually just stopped going without ending the situation professionally. This was the first of many crucial conversations.

Eventually, I became more and more comfortable with establishing safety and mutual purpose and through this process, we were able to set some expectations together. However, he could not meet those expectations and I became worried that his behavior looked like the onset of young adult schizophrenia. It never occurred to me he might be using drugs.

In a very moving and touching conversation, my son admitted to using Meth for the last two years. Finally, his erratic, disrespectful and emotional behaviors, coupled with his weird friends, made sense.

Initially, he was unwilling to see a counselor, go to rehab, or do anything to change his life. But through persistent crucial conversations with him wherein we described the impact of his behavior on our family, he agreed to counseling.

He has been drug free for 10 months, is working steadily, contributing to the household, and having meaningful discussions with us about his life and plans for the future. We continue to set expectations and follow up, and the change is remarkable.

Without the skills I acquired through Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations, I doubt our family would have remained intact and the life of a young man may have taken a very different path toward self-destruction and ruin. Instead, we have the bright, funny, and engaged son we knew before the drug use, and our family confronts problems armed with respect for each other and the tools to talk about our lives.

Do you have a story you'd like to share? Submit your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Your story may be published in an upcoming Before and After column and you will receive a free Crucial Conversations Audio Companion, as well as a signed copy of one of our bestselling books. Please include your contact information (name, address, e-mail, phone number).

Back to top