RE: "Carpool Dilemma" (Feb. 7, 2007)
Hello,
I thought I would respond to the article in the newsletter about the carpool problem. I am surprised that Joseph is suggesting that the conversation is probably too difficult to be held as entrusting others with your children is pretty high stakes. I would approach the mother but in a light way share some of the comments the children often make when they are passengers and see how she responds. Hopefully she would make a comment that allows an opening for sharing concerns about safety when driving others' children around.
I would be interested to hear how other people may deal with a similar situation.
Best regards,
Karen R.
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You gave excellent advice to the carpool mom. One little addition to it . . . there is another relationship involved in this scenario: her relationship with her children. They have told her repeatedly that they do not feel safe riding with the other woman. Whether the other driver is a safe driver or not, if mom continues to put them in a situation which they feel is unsafe, she is communicating to them either a distrust of their opinions or a lack of concern for their wellbeing. In either case, the damage done to her relationship with them is far more costly than it would be to find a different carpool person or not carpool at all.
Nita Z.
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I cannot agree with your comment not to make suggestions.
My suggestion is to have the concerned mother find a reason to share a ride with the other mother and see for herself how she drives, then have whatever conversation is appropriate.
Greg B.
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Dear Joseph,
Your response to the woman concerned about her neighbor's carpool driving was not up to the level of thoughtfulness and balance I've become accustomed to in the Crucial Skills column. Frankly, I think it was way out of line. You concluded that the writer's neighbor will neither hear concerns about her driving fairly nor be willing or able to change her driving habits.
I thought Crucial Skills were about staying down at the level of data in order to maximize the possibilities for constructive change. Taking unilateral action based on silent judging is not the way.
A better response would have been to recommend treating the issue with a focus on content, leaving open the opportunities for pattern and, if necessary, relationship conversations.
Neither you nor the writer knows what behavior can change if the other person is not made aware of it. Please rethink your response and give the bad driver a break.
Respectfully,
Dave B.
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Response by Joseph Grenny
Dear Dave,
Your critique of my response couldn't sting worse. The reason is that my fundamental ethic about relationships is exactly in line with what you suggested. I believe we should not prejudge others. I believe we should not assume a conversation is unapproachable just because it's sensitive. And I believe we owe it to ourselves and others to engage with them in a healthy, respectful way. Finally, I couldn't agree more that my recommendation is inconsistent with that ethic. In writing my response to the Carpool Dilemma, I felt torn for exactly the reason you describe.
Now let me be honest. As I first started to answer in my traditional mode, I found myself feeling hypocritical. As I wrote the idealistic response about what I think people should do, my conscience nagged at me because I realize that in this specific instance, it is not likely what I would do. As human beings we select our response to circumstances based on our estimation of likely outcomes. As I said in the column, if she is actually not driving badly, then there was never a need to hold the conversation. If she is, in fact, a dangerous driver, I place a low probability on a single conversation influencing such an ingrained and lifelong habit when I will have no chance to inspect her future behavior. Do I think I could have that conversation with her well? Yes. Absolutely. No question. Do I believe that if she's a dangerous driver this conversation will have a lasting effect? No. I don't. And that's what drove my far less than idealistic response.
With that said, many readers agreed with your view. And I want to thank you for expressing it so directly, because it's exactly the ethic I want this column to represent.
Warmly,
Joseph
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RE: "The Reunion" (Feb. 14, 2007)
I just wanted to pass on my real appreciation to Kerry for sharing this story with us in the latest newsletter. It was a truly touching piece of writing, and more than worth the time I invested in reading it.
Thanks for giving us all such a space of connection!
Cheers,
Sam
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To Kerry Patterson et al...I really loved the Kerrying On article "The Reunion"!
I really liked that Kerry focused on what he wanted to do—give gratitude for all the gifts he received as a kid but didn't realize they were gifts at the time. Kerry gave his "thank you" stories with no attachment of the ending of the story. I LOVE the fact that you included a letter to "Mary" with no knowledge of her receiving it. This is a great example of "doing our part" of crucial conversations without controlling the endings.
Sarah A.
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Response by Kerry Patterson
Dear readers,
In the last Kerrying On I wrote a short story about attending my forty-year high-school reunion. I told of how I had decided to thank dear friends who I hadn't seen in decades for their kind help and support during my adolescent years. I was particularly interested in expressing my appreciation to a terrific young woman named Mary who had been kind to me at a time when it would have been easy to dismiss me or even treat me with disdain. But she had always treated me with respect.
I was disappointed to learn that Mary hadn't come to the reunion, and then to hear the changed circumstances of her life. In the end I did what I had set out to do—I wrote her a letter thanking her for her kindness. That had been my point. It was Valentine's Day when I wrote of Mary, and I was suggesting that notes of respect and admiration make for a wonderful Valentine.
Many of you wrote to ask what happened next. Alas, Mary never responded. I may never learn more about this fine person. But I do know this: Her gentle kindness will be forever appreciated.
Kerry
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Dear Parent,
