Use Contrasting as Prevention

I often run into a brick wall when trying to have a crucial conversation with workaholics. It seems as if they will work with you only if it increases their power or they can exercise control over you. What can I do to get some cooperation?

Signed,
Frustrated coworker

Thank you for your question. It is one that is almost universal, although not perhaps in the way you may think. While many people may work with "workaholics," the ubiquity of your question is in fact that we all carry around negative stories in our head about people we interact with. In my opinion, the universal problem you are facing is not centered on the person you work with but rather the stories you have told yourself about this person.

Allow me to explain. Your workaholic is trying to "increase power" and "exercise control." These behaviors aren't actually behaviors. That's right; these are in fact stories.

When you encounter problems with a person, you must first step back and separate the facts from the stories. I suggest asking three questions to help you challenge the stories you are telling yourself:

1. What are the specific behaviors that this person is in engaged in that are causing problems? Sometimes it can be difficult to be specific enough, especially when we are holding on to our story tightly. You can use a litmus test of sorts by asking yourself, "If someone gave me that feedback, would I know exactly what to do differently?" If the answer to the question is "no" then you are still operating at the level of stories and need to dig deeper to the specific behaviors.

2. Has your story distorted the way you view that person's actions? One of the insidious things about stories is that they begin to act as filters. For example, if I believe someone is incompetent, I will naturally start to watch for that person to make a mistake. And when he does, I seize on it, file it away, and use it as evidence that my story was correct. What I don't do is open myself to the possibility that we all make mistakes and perhaps this person is a competent person who occasionally makes a mistake.

3. How has your story influenced your actions toward that person? It is important to recognize that when we have a story about someone, regardless of whether the story is accurate, that story will always shape the way we feel about the person and our feelings will always direct our actions toward that person. Notice that the question is not "Does my story influence my actions?" but rather "How has my story influenced my actions?" It may be that, through your actions, you are provoking or intensifying the very behavior you find distasteful.

Finally, let me assure you that there are people who are compulsive about work. There are people who constantly seek to exercise control or increase their own power. These people are difficult to work with. But, before you can address the problem, you need to know exactly what the problem is. Charles Kettering said, "A problem well stated is a problem half solved." So, I invite you to think about the specific behaviors you want to address before attempting to solve the problem.

Best wishes,
Emily

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RE: "How We Evaluate Training" (February 6, 2008)

I love Kerry (and all the rest of you), especially his stories. So it surprises me that Kerry may have missed the point of the question: "After initiating a crucial conversation effort, how do you evaluate outcome of the effort? What objective outcome assessment do you utilize?"

When I read it, I thought, "Wow, good question. How do I know if the conversation I just had with my wife or boss or teenager went well or not?" "Objectively" meant going beyond "did I use the tools well?" and "did I get what I want for an outcome?" and maybe beyond "was there an increase in the pool of shared meaning?" How do I know I'm getting better with tool use, and that the outcomes for me and others are improving? Also, because our self-assessment will always be less than perfectly objective, might increased objectivity include a "how was it for you?" addressed to the other person?

Steve

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RE: "Making a Safe Switch to Crucial Skills" (February 13, 2008)

Hi Joseph,

I thought your response was great but missed one key point. "Right between the eyes" said "The few times I spoke up or disagreed were cited as examples!" This is part of the problem. If the person only speaks up when she/he disagrees, then the person will be perceived as being negative. I would encourage "Right between the eyes" to speak at meetings and build on ideas instead of only speaking if he or she disagrees. He or she needs to be seen as someone who participates in discussions—not someone who just disagrees.

Shirlyn

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Loved your response to "Right Between the Eyes." I thought you covered most of the possibilities with some good suggestions as to how s/he might check them out.

I have often made the point to training managers that what frequently happens when people attend courses to change their behaivor is that they will learn some new skills, understand some changes that need to be made, and return to work excited to try them out. Meanwhile, his/her colleagues will look at this alien, shrug their shoulders and say, "Oh, he's been to training. Give him two weeks and he'll be back to normal," and then wait out the change in behaviour.

Without on-going support and coaching regarding the desired changes, one-off workshops, especially when people attend by themselves, seldom have the impact that one might reasonably expect from the content and the quality of the instructor.

Pat

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RE: "My Two-Bits' Worth" (February 20, 2008)

This is the best all-time "Kerrying On" ever...because it tells the single biggest, most complete truth about us as human beings.

I once coached a younger acquaintance, who had recently learned she was adopted, into accepting communications from her birth mother. She was more than a little angry at both mothers and considered cancelling her upcoming wedding. I gave her a crash course in the social mores of several decades prior. I gave her a frame of reference for her mother's college-student-falls-for-married-professor behavior. Bottom line, she had both mothers at her wedding.

Julian

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