I have always tried hard to contribute to my company. And yet, when I went to the Crucial Conversations Training, I realized I often did not express myself when I should to avoid making waves. This quality was actually cited on my yearly reviews as a weakness.

This year, I tried to change that. I confidently voiced my disagreements with processes or impending decisions in a tactful and respectful way—always supporting the final decision, even if I disagreed with it. Unfortunately, I got hit "right between the eyes" on my latest yearly review by my supervisor and was told that I undermined management. The few times I spoke up or disagreed were cited as examples! Where do I go from here?

Signed,
Right between the eyes

I'm sorry for the disappointing comments on your latest annual review. Unfortunately, others have experienced the same shocking response when attempting to change the way they deal with crucial conversations. Let me suggest four reasons this may have happened and some advice to reflect on.

1. The devil they don't know. Though you may have raised your crucial conversations perfectly, people were unprepared for your new behavior. They were prepared for the "devil they know" and interpreted your new behavior through the old lens. In other words, if they believe you only say 10% of what you really think, then the temperate concerns you raised probably appeared like violent opposition. My advice: if your behavior is about to change, always explain it in advance to those who might misinterpret it. You may do well to sit down with your boss and explain what you tried to do last year, and ask where you went amiss. This conversation will engage your boss in a dialogue that will force him or her to articulate his or her conclusions about you and potentially reconsider them as you share the intent behind your past behavior.

2. Not what but how. It could also be that your perception of your behavior is inaccurate. You may believe you came across very respectfully and tentatively, but that's not how it appeared to others. For example, just because you use an even tone of voice does not mean people perceive you as respectful. If, for example, you said, "I disagree with the new policy because I think it is unfair,"—no matter how calm your tone, your boss could hear it as insubordinate. My advice: ask for feedback as you make these attempts. Make your boss your coach by following up after a meeting where you tried new skills and ask what you did well or could have done better. This gives you a chance to course correct not only your behavior, but your boss' "story" about your behavior.

3. Be clear about what you "don't mean." You may have been the picture of Crucial Conversations perfection and yet others felt defensive because they didn't want dialogue, they wanted support. So, they saw any level of question as opposition. When you begin to change the culture of an organization where candor is not common, you need to go to extra lengths to clarify what you "don't mean" after asking tough questions. My advice: take great care to let people know that you will support the final decision, and understand that this is not your decision to make. If you raise questions without clarifying any misunderstandings about where you stand on supporting the final decision, others are left to guess on their own—and may do so to your detriment.

4. Check in after disagreeing. Finally, I strongly suggest that after a public disagreement (even a respectful one), follow up with any key players. Take advantage of the increased safety one-on-one to ask if you offended them and assure them of your respect and support. Often people put on a "game face" in the meeting, but are hurt or offended inside and carry that forward. This is especially true in a "nice" culture where people are very uncomfortable with public disagreement.

The bottom line is that you now have crucial conversations to hold with your boss and others. If you "Start with Heart"—clarify your personal intention to learn and improve—then you're less likely to be defensive. Share you data—the comments from your performance review. Share your intentions—what you attempted last year. And ask them to help you understand what you should have done differently.

If you do this well, it's likely to be a two-way learning experience. Others will learn more about you and your true intentions. And you may pick up a skill or two for avoiding future offense.

By all means, don't give up on your goal to speak more honestly and respectfully. Make 2008 a year to "Analyze and Adjust" as you learn how to build on your good efforts of 2007.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

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Job Security
By Martha T.

My story began three years ago when I was given the Crucial Conversations book and newsletter to help me in my new role as an Assistant Manager. I embraced the newsletter, read the book, and even went out and bought Crucial Confrontations.

Fast forward two years. I changed jobs, moved across the country, and left my grown children behind. Soon after, my daughter started calling me daily to complain about her husband who wouldn't keep a job. If he got mad he'd quit. If he was angry he'd walk out and inevitably get fired—a pattern that would eventually destroy their marriage.

I began using crucial conversations on my daughter. I asked her what her story was. Why would a rational man get so angry so fast and bounce from job to job without a care? I asked her what part she played in the problem. I believed she frequently enabled his behavior. She' d tell me the boss didn't understand him or that his job wasn't very interesting. I also pointed out that she enabled his lack of accountability by making his car payments. Then I asked her what she really wanted from him. Over several weeks I gave her tools to use such as how to describe the problem, how to determine why the behavior concerned her and what it was doing to the relationship, how she could help him break the pattern of quitting or being fired, and how to support him while setting specific expectations for future events.

Then, six months later, while at a job he seemed to really like, it happened. He got mad and came home complaining. My daughter listened and then started, a little each day, to give him the same tools I gave her. It didn't work immediately and he did what we all feared he would do—he blew up at the boss and walked off the job. But this time, two hours later he went back and apologized. He sat down with the boss and told him what was going on and why he was concerned. He asked the boss for help to fix the problem and avoid it in the future.

Later, he told my daughter that after he walked off the job, he sat in his car and had a crucial conversation with himself. He asked himself, "What role do I have in this company? What role do I have in this issue? Why would the company do to me what I think they are doing?" Asking these questions helped him realize that he'd mastered the wrong story. He also realized he needed to apologize and seek better ways to work for a company he really did like.

The boss now asks him how things are going and if he has what he needs. This makes my son-in-law feel like he is part of a team and not just another punch card.

Later that month, my daughter laid in bed and thought of how her crucial conversation with her husband started because she re-examined her story and her role in his life.

I laid in bed and thought of how years ago, I was given tools I knew would change my life forever. However, I never imagined I could pass them on first to my daughter and then to my son-in-law.

These events occurred over a year's time, but the year has been blessed by so many positive changes. Three lives have forever benefited by crucial conversations and I cannot imagine my life without them ever again.

Do you have a story you'd like to share? Submit your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Your story may be published in an upcoming Before and After column and you will receive a free Crucial Conversations Audio Companion, as well as a signed copy of one of our bestselling books. Please include your contact information (name, address, e-mail, phone number).

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