How to Stop the Gossip Chain

Dear Crucial Skills,

A colleague recently informed me that a relatively new member of our team has made disparaging comments to her about my job skills and work style.

My colleague was torn about letting me know because, even though she felt I should be aware of what is being said about me in my absence, she knew I would want to have a crucial conversation with our new team member. She also knew this would likely mean that the team member would realize the source of my information even if I did not divulge it. My colleague doesn’t want to experience backlash from informing me, but realizes this may be inevitable.

I’ve not yet decided whether to have this conversation with the new team member, but I notice myself withdrawing in my interactions with him—and I know he’s noticed my changed demeanor toward him.

What is the best way to present indirect or hearsay facts in a crucial conversation?

Second Hand News

Dear Second Hand News,

Yes, you’re in a quandary. When people give you information that changes how you see others, but swear you to secrecy, they’re essentially saying, “I’m about to tell you something that will make you feel bad but I want you to promise me you won’t do anything healthy about it. Okay?”

I’ve been in this predicament, too. As a result, I’ve developed a few personal codes I try to abide by.

Don’t listen if you can’t act. I adopted an ethic years ago that I always use to warn people away who want to pass along information about another person. When I can see the conversation is headed in a gossip direction, I politely stop them and say: “Please do not put anything in my head that you expect me to not act on. I will not carry around a conclusion about another person without sharing it with them.” This helps people understand that speaking implies taking responsibility.

Separate the problems and address both. You’re right to worry that the team member will demand to know who shared this information with you. Even if you didn’t make this agreement with your colleague in advance, it sounds like you still put her on notice that you are likely to approach your teammate. So you are within your rights to hold the crucial conversation. I suggest you hold a crucial conversation first with the woman who passed along the criticism, and second with your team member. Here’s how I suggest you proceed:

• Give advance warning and a chance to take responsibility. Let your colleague know that you will be having a conversation with your team member. Suggest to her that she preempt your “surprise” by letting him know in advance that she gave you a heads up about his concerns. For example, she could say to him, “I told her you had some concerns about her competence and approach—I knew she’d want to know this. I think she’d like to talk to you to understand your concerns.” This won’t be easy for your colleague, but she may find it preferable to the tension that will result if you blow her cover for her.

• Approach him and acknowledge HIS right to feel insulted. When you approach your team member, begin by acknowledging any complaint he has about people talking behind his back. Rather than wait for him to ask, “Who said that?” let him know that this is not the way you wanted to receive feedback either, and that you can understand if he wants to know who said this. If, however, you don’t have permission to disclose the names, simply encourage him to make his best guess and approach them directly as well—then shift the conversation to his concerns.

• Discuss his issue first. Next, focus on the content issue—the fact that you have heard he has concerns with your competence or approach. DO NOT address the “talking behind my back” issue first. Be humble. Don’t frame the conversation—even implicitly—as “Shame on you for talking behind my back” but rather as “If I have failed you in some way, I really want to understand it. Or if my skills are coming up short—I am desperate for that feedback. Nothing makes me more worried than believing that I might have an inaccurate view of myself and that I am failing to address weaknesses.” This disarming approach makes it harder for him to tell a villain story about you (although not impossible) and will make it harder for him to justify badmouthing you in the future.

• Discuss the process second. Only after you’ve explored any concerns he has with you can you productively hold him accountable for the indirect way this feedback came to you. Ask for a commitment that, in the future, you will hear the complaint before others do. Promise him the same yourself. If you’ve humbly solicited feedback in the previous step, you’ll have the moral authority and safety needed to hold him accountable for his bad behavior.

You’ve got 80,000 friends reading this newsletter who all wish you the best as you approach this issue. But more importantly, these tips will hopefully help you and others better manage this kind of situation in the future.

Best wishes,
Joseph

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RE: "Financial Family Feuds" (December 3, 2008)

Dear Joseph and authors,

Wow, finally a message that leaves me feeling empowered. I took the Crucial Conversations Training in March after reading both Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations. Although not easy, I have been making obvious changes to the ways I handle the "crucial" conversations in my life.

Unfortunately for me and my self-confidence, your responses seem to focus heavily on "me." They usually point out how if somehow, someway I could just be a little better at controlling my emotions and really mastering the skills then I "might, maybe" have better "luck" at my next crucial conversation. I was always left thinking, "What about the other person's responsibility to be mature, and why can't they use their time and money to take self-improvement courses?" I know I need to do my part, but the typical response seemed to imply (or state directly) that I needed to over-compensate for everyone else’s immaturity.

Finally, with this response, I still see the "me" in this conversation, but I also see you advising us that it’s okay to let the other person be fully responsible and face any consequences. Thanks for bringing conversation back into the realm of us mere mortals.

Gordon T.
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Response from Joseph Grenny:

Dear Gordon,

You make a good point. We spend the bulk of our time in this column advising the individual who poses a question, and doing our best to equip them with alternative ways of achieving the results they want. We spend little to no time acknowledging the unfairness of the situation they may be facing. So let me address that imbalance here in a modest way.

While I believe fundamentally there is much more you and I can do to improve our results, there are times when we ought to step back before taking action and consider what we truly want. There are times, for example, when even though I could deal with my boss’s weaknesses in a more effective way, I should admit to myself that even if he improved 10 percent, I would still be happier working elsewhere. There are times when, even though I could approach an offensive peer more effectively, I should turn it over to HR and let her be fired. There are times when, after repeated crucial confrontations with a troublesome neighbor, I should impose consequences by filing a police report.

I appreciate you speaking on behalf of the weary and dumped on. We all need to draw a line at times and decide when the effort is worth the reward. Our hope in this column is that we empower people who are still south of that line with principles for exerting greater influence. But if anything we’ve written makes it sound as though we believe a conversation will always lead to a solution, or that if things don’t go well it’s always your fault, then we’ve failed. If you were to examine the authors’ lives closely you’d see there have been plenty of times we’ve chosen alternatives to conversations as well.

And yet, as I count my blessings at the beginning of this year, I’m just grateful they’re still talking to me!

Best wishes,
Joseph
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RE: "How to Change Social Norms at the Office" (December 31, 2008)

While I think the advice given to "New Kid in Town" for gaining support for his position was valid, I saw nothing in his letter indicating that his staff were not getting their work assignments completed. Taking advantage of advances in communication technology may seem like frittering away valuable work time, but those same communication advances allow the staff to work outside the conventional work hour paradigm and lessen the strain on many companies who are attempting to "do more with less." 

Unless there is a problem with projects running over or customers going unsupported, this may be a situation to which "New Kid" may have to adapt, especially if senior management has no objections. 

Peggy H.
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Before engaging in attempts to change this norm, this manager may need to explore the reason(s) it has arisen. If people scrupulously arrive at 9 and leave at 5, and don't take work home or answer e-mails while they're out of the office, then clearly the employees are taking unfair advantage. But if the people in this branch are blurring work hours into "personal time," it's not necessarily wrong that they also blur "personal time" into work hours, and the manager would be wise to make sure he understands all the work habits of his team before intervening.

Richard B.
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RE: "The Sky's the Limit" (January 21, 2009)

Thank you so much for this very timely story. I had a very similar discussion with my oldest son this morning. He is a freshman in high school this year and routinely makes good grades (85-95 on most homework assignments) with little effort on his part, but usually ends up doing poorly on exams. He had been nervously awaiting the results of the mid-term exams—which weren’t good to say the least. When he found out that he passed all of his classes for the first semester, he was so excited. I asked him why passing was good enough for him. He assured me that he had studied at least one hour a day the week of the exams and that they were really hard. 
 
I’ve been struggling with how to make him care more about not just passing, but doing his best. A good friend and I were talking and we both remember growing up in a time when grades were much more competitive than they seem to be now. I don’t know if this is a result of the “everyone gets a ribbon” mentality so prevalent in our society, but it is certainly distressing to parents that are struggling to light that fire in our kids.
 
Thank you for the reminder about the power of expectation!

Melissa B.
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Dear Kerry,

I cannot tell you how inspiring the "Sky’s the Limit" article was to me as a parent, a nurse, and a teacher. I have always thought that if you set mediocre goals, you get mediocre work. If you set high expectations for yourself and others, you will always strive to be better, encourage others around you to mimic your behavior, and therefore open many more doors.

I sent the article to my husband, my family, my coworkers, and my ten-year-old daughter’s school teacher, music teacher, and even her tennis teacher.

Thank you again,
Carol P.  
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