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Choking Up

About the Author

Al Switzler is coauthor of the New York Times bestseller, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.

Dear Authors,

I find myself in the uncomfortable position of "choking up" during some crucial conversations. This is not a frequent occurrence by any means, but comes on when I least expect it. You can imagine how this adds a whole new dynamic to the discussion. I actually have had to say "excuse me while I collect myself," take a few minutes and a few deep breaths, then resume. It goes as suddenly as it came, but I feel the damage was done. Can you offer any advice on how to deal with this in the moment and after the fact?

Signed,
Choked Up

Dear Choked Up,

Your comments and question are effective reminders that life comes at us fast. Crucial conversations fit right in this arena. Crucial conversations are defined as having “high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions”—and often we don’t have time to plan out these kinds of conversations in advance. What I hear in your comments is that you don’t frequently get emotional, and when you do, it’s about something that matters—a lot. All of that is pretty normal. We’ve run into it very often when we’ve been in a position to coach others. Let me share a few points about what we’ve learned.

1. People can get better at catching their own emotions early. Everyone has some kind of response when conversations turn crucial. The difference between the good and the best is how quickly they notice the response and use it as an “early warning sign” to switch to using their very best skills. Think about what some of these early indicators are:

Some people’s faces turn red.
Some people can feel their pulse—often in their temples.
Some people’s breathing changes—it speeds up, or lengthens.
People’s voices can increase or decrease in volume.
There may be churning in the gut or butterflies in the stomach.

There are any number of other possible reactions—pay close attention and learn to recognize your own early warning signs. What are they? How could you catch them early? The best see these signs as signals and have a little voice that tells them, “Ooh—this conversation just turned crucial; I need to use my best skills.” And they are more likely to do exactly that. The next time you have a situation where you get choked up, go back over it mentally after the fact and ask, what should I have noticed earlier that would have signaled me to use my best skills? After a few cycles people can make big improvements.

2. Building or rebuilding safety is at the heart of the interaction. I congratulate you on steps that you have taken. When a conversation becomes unsafe for you or for the other person, you should rightfully “call a time out” for a few moments. In the book Crucial Conversations, we discuss this as “stepping out of the content and rebuilding safety.” The problem is that most of us get hooked into the content. We get so captivated by what is being said that we don’t look at the conditions that are surrounding the conversation. Why is this the case? If you are like most people, you have a lot on your plate and are committed to getting things done. You have time pressures and commitments hanging over your head. You might be talking to someone who is verbally slower, or faster, or someone who is more powerful or more determined to argue until they get their way. In such circumstances, content hogs the spotlight. The conditions that make conversations safe can fade from view. When the conditions fail, safety is at risk as people move toward silence or violence. Catch it early. “I’ve noticed that I’m getting a little emotional here. Could we take five minutes?” Or it might sound something like this: “I’ve noticed that we seem to be debating this issue. I’ve been putting my point forward—perhaps too strongly. I’d like to turn that around and ask more questions so that I can understand your points clearly. Would that be okay?” By fixing the conditions, you increase safety—and the content can flow more freely.

3. It’s never too late to fix relationships that matter. When we lose it during a conversation, it’s never too late to go back and try to fix it. Apologize appropriately and share your intentions. For example, “Last week, when we were talking about budget, I got ‘choked up.’ The cause of that was all mine. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry it happened and I’m working on improving in that area. I hope that we can continue to have effective conversations in the future. That’s what I’d like.”

In closing, let me repeat that your challenge is one that affects all of us. Working on it specifically can lead to significant and lasting improvements.

Best wishes,
Al