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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
September 28, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 38
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest: Do You Have an Aggravation at Work?
4. Author Q&A: Coworker’s Personal Life
5. Letters to the Editor: “Home Improvement”
6. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.”

- Dudley Field Malone

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2. Tip of the Week
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Ask for Others’ Paths

This is a critical piece of the solution when attempting to share a difficult or potentially offensive message. Once you’ve shared your observations and story, you must be willing to hear others’ points of view as well. They may have other facts to add to the pool or they may formulate your facts into a different story. By allowing others to share their views, you demonstrate that you want dialogue rather than control.

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3. Contest: Do You Have an Aggravation at Work?
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Are there things at work that aggravate you? Would these aggravations ever cause you to consider leaving your job? We want to know your frustrations!

We're looking for stories of your frustrations at work. What situation have you experienced that has made you think about looking for a new job? It could involve a disagreeable boss, an unruly coworker or team, or disappointments regarding bonuses, workload, compensation, hours, office politics, assignments, etc. Have you employed your crucial conversations skills to resolve the issue and increase your job satisfaction? We want to hear about it!

E-mail your stories to editor@vitalsmarts.com. The winner may get his or her story published in an upcoming newsletter and receive a free Crucial Conversations Audio CD Companion, as well as a signed copy of one of our bestselling books. Please include your contact information (name, address, e-mail, phone number).

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4. Author Q&A: Coworker’s Personal Life
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Dear Authors,

I would like to know how you would handle this situation. I work with two others in a front office, and although I have no formal authority, I do have more responsibility. One of the ladies is constantly talking about the minutia of her life, e.g., what groceries she bought, what she had for dinner, what doctor's appointments she has, what her sugar and cholesterol levels are . . . She is also recently divorced, and in the process of purchasing a house for the first time. She is constantly (six times this morning) taking or making calls for personal business, and then telling us what her calls are for. She has been asked not to use her cell phone in the office due to distraction, and to just take personal calls during her lunch--so has gone outside the building to use the phone. I have tried a crucial conversation, but met with a defensive reaction.

What can I do?

Frustrated at Work

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear frustrated,

This particular challenge--the other person violating expectations of what you do and don't do at work--falls into the category of a crucial confrontation. This, as you might guess, we deal with in some detail in the book “Crucial Confrontations.” Let me share a few ideas from that book.

The first issue you face is choosing “What” and “If.” What is the problem you want to deal with, and should you actually bring it up? You stated that you have no authority over this person, but I will assume that the behaviors are troublesome enough that, independent of your formal authority, you want to talk about the issue. You've decided the “If”--you know you want to say something.

You're still left with the “What” question. You've identified several different problems and you'll need to decide which problem you want to confront. You can't confront all of them at once without confusing the issues and looking like you're piling it on. You also have to decide how touchy an issue you want to address. For instance, taking personal calls during business isn't very touchy if there’s a policy in place already. Pointing out that the person is constantly bringing up irrelevant and possibly boring topics--well, that's not such an easy issue to bring up.

To choose from among all your options, ask yourself what you really want. Which of the issues bugs you the most and do you end up talking about with your friends or loved ones? This is probably what you'll need to discuss.

Start by asking for permission to discuss an issue that has you concerned. Explain your good intentions. Suggest that you want to work through an issue to both of your satisfaction. (And you have to mean this.) Use Contrasting. Suggest that you’re not trying to boss her around or anything, you simply want to jointly come to a resolution that you’ll both like. Then describe the gap. That is, explain what you’re observing versus what you expected. Describe what she’s doing, focusing on behaviors and leaving out your conclusions. Keep your tone pleasant. Pause and ask if she understands the issue or if she sees it differently.

How you start the confrontation sets the tone for the remainder of the interaction. To help with your tone, assume that your coworker is well intended but unaware and that your feedback might help the two of you work together. If you assume the worst of her, your negative conclusions will come out in your delivery. So start with good intentions, share them, focus on behavior and not conclusions, and then seek her view. All of this goes a long way in reducing defensiveness.

Best of luck and thanks for writing,

Kerry Patterson

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For further details on starting a crucial confrontation and tips on what to do if the other person tries to sidetrack you from the main issue, see chapter 3 (Describe the Gap) and Chapter 6 (Stay Focused and Flexible) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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5. Letters to the Editor: “Home Improvement”
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As a response to the question about the home improvement guy, I can say from personal experience that there might be a "story" other than the one the husband is seeing. I would like to know why the friend is doing the home improvements. Doesn't the husband want to or know how to do this work? Maybe, like me, this work means so much to the wife because it is her home, and a woman can be very emotionally connected with the status of her home, so that fixing things mean a great deal to her. Is this possible, and is the husband unaware?

Joy

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Joseph,

I thought the actual wording of your response to the fellow who wanted to know how to talk to his wife about the possibility of her having an affair was excellent. Where I do have a teensy problem is in the application of a business approach to a family relationship. In my experience (twenty-five years plus in clinical work), by the time you have some "facts" it is often too late--the affair is off and running. Experience has taught me that when you have been in a relationship for any length of time, your gut tells you something long before the data do. Especially since if there is an affair (and I certainly don't suggest that the fellow rush in with harsh accusations), both parties will be trying very hard to disguise this situation, including copious amounts of lying and "crazy making"—“it's all in your head--we're just working together!"

In a relationship, I don't think it is useful to try and list "facts”--either for or against how one feels. Talking about what gives rise to those feelings (as you have indicated in your response) means that both facts (behaviors) AND feelings are important.

Again, I think your response in terms of what he might say is very helpful--I'm just not impressed with some of the explanation around it.

As usual, enjoy the newsletter.

Cheers

Pat

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Response by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Pat,

Thank you for lending your expertise in this area. I believe your additional perspective offers readers facing this terrible challenge some useful counsel.

Warm regards,

Joseph

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6. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- October 11, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- November 1, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Intervention for HealthCare)

Crucial Confrontations
- October 19, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- October 4-5, New York, NY*
- October 11-12, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 25-26, Arlington, VA*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*
- November 1-2, Houston, TX*
- November 1-2, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*

Crucial Confrontations:

- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*
- November 8-9, Chicago, IL*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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