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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
September 8, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 35
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Last Chance for New Book Discount
3. Q&A: Being Micromanaged
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts."

- John Locke

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2. Last Chance for New Book Discount
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Last Week--Reserve “Crucial Confrontations” Now and Save 36% off the Cover Price.

Until September 15, 2004, reserve your copy of “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior” and receive a substantial discount of 36% off the retail price of $16.95. You’ll pay only $10.85 per book. Bulk orders are welcome. To order now, visit www.crucialconfrontations.com/newsletteroffer.

Also, look for an upcoming author event in a city near you. Attend this special event and learn from one of the authors of the new book how to handle crucial confrontations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Now scheduled in the following cities.

September 16, Frisco, TX
September 20, Troy, MI
September 21, Flint, MI
September 24, Salt Lake City, UT
September 29, Santa Clara, CA
October 22, Denver, CO
November 5, San Diego, CA
November 5, Columbus, OH
November 10, Ft Worth, TX
November 16, Knoxville, TN
November 18, Irvine, CA
November 19, Orlando, FL
December 1, Durham, NC
December 7, Austin, TX

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3. Q&A: Being Micromanaged
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Dear Crucial Conversations,

My boss has started micromanaging me. She constantly asks me for updates. One morning by 10 o'clock I had already received ten e-mail messages from her and it took me an hour and a half just to reply to her requests for updates! To add to things, she's related to the vice president so I feel like if I try to bring this up and it goes awry my working days could be numbered. This management style has started to affect my sleeping and eating habits and even my self-esteem.

Any suggestions on how I can gently bring this up to her?

Signed,

Frazzled

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Frazzled,

After reading your e-mail, I asked around my office to see if someone had written this about me! Now that I know we’re talking about someone else I’ll be happy to offer advice (wry chuckle).

Micromanaging is almost always a crucial conversation someone is acting out rather than talking out. A leader is feeling nervous or vulnerable and acts it out through incessant hovering and controlling. The result is that the direct report often feels hurt and resentful and acts it out through withdrawal or other displaced hostility. The solution is to talk it out. Unless and until you can have a conversation about trust and autonomy, this game will get worse and worse.

So, here are three pieces of advice I hope will help you and others step up to this kind of crucial conversation. And as an added bonus, I’m taking the third tip from our new book, “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Talking about Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

Tip #1: First, hold the right conversation. Don’t let this get sidetracked into a discussion of how a project is going or other diversions from the real issue. The topics you need to explore thoroughly with your boss are:
- How much confidence do you have in me in my key areas of responsibility?
- What level of communication is both efficient and sufficient between us given your level of trust in me?

If in exploring her confidence in you you discover there are serious concerns, you can then turn the topic to ways you can create evidence for her that more trust is warranted. If you find she has great confidence but just requires much more communication, move on to the next two tips.

Tip #2: Second, make it safe for your boss (and you). When you open the conversation, head off any misunderstanding she may have of your motives by declaring them candidly. If you fail to do this, she’ll hear you as being critical of her, or worse, wanting to have country club freedom and no accountability. Help her know you just want to be as productive as possible, to feel proud of your work, and to gain her confidence by performing up to expectation. For example, you could use the Contrasting skill we teach as follows:

“Could we talk for a few minutes about how we work together? I’ve noticed a couple of things that are keeping me from being as productive as I can. It’s a bit sensitive, and I worry about sounding like I’m not supportive of you, or that I know better than you how things should be done. I don’t feel that way at all. And yet I think it’s worth talking about because it could help me do a better job for you and create a climate where I can feel good about my work. Would that be okay?”

Tip #3: Finally, Make It Motivating. You can help your boss want to deal with this by sharing concrete examples of how her behavior has created problems she would care about. When you hold a “Crucial Confrontation” (confronting gaps between what you expect and what you observe--for example in your boss’s management style) with someone you think won’t care about your concerns, you need to work hard to see how the issue you’re raising is creating problems for him or her. One of the reasons we’re so ineffective during crucial confrontations is that we’re so absorbed in thinking about how the problem affects ‘us’ that we give no thought to how it’s affecting the other person. Those who are most skilled at crucial confrontations are able to influence others to address their concerns by helping them see consequences they already experience that they can change by changing their behavior. For example:

“I know one thing that’s important to you is that I meet your deadlines. That’s important to me, too. The level of reporting you sometimes ask of me makes that somewhat harder. For example, one morning I had ten requests for updates from you by 10 a.m. I know that’s an extreme example, but it illustrates the point that the hour and a half I spent answering those was time taken from getting the job done.”

“You ask me at times how I like my work. And you know, I really do. But there are times I spend a whole evening in a funk because I think you don’t have confidence in me and I’m not sure how to earn it.”

If you help your boss see how her behavior is creating consequences she doesn’t want, she’ll not only feel safe with you, but she’ll also be more motivated to make changes.

Good luck--and please give me frequent updates on this crucial conversation. (Just kidding!)

Joseph

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To learn more about making it safe and using Contrasting, see Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) in the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High."

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- October 19-20, Knoxville, TN*
- October 19-20, Washington, D.C.*
- October 26-27, Worthington, OH*
- November 16-17, Fort Worth, TX*
- November 16-17, Salt Lake City, UT*
- November 16-17, Troy, MI*
- November 30-Dec.1, Denver, CO*
- November 30-Dec.1, Austin, TX*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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