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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS NEWSLETTER
October 26, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 42
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Author Q&A: Spouse’s Out-of-Control Budget
4. Letters to the Editor: Accountability and Talking with Teachers
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives."

- Tony Robbins

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2. Tip of the Week
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Mirror to Address Anger

Mirroring--that is, describing to others how what they’re saying and the way they’re saying it don’t match up--is useful in helping others open up when they feel stuck in violence.

Mirroring is also an effective tool to use when a person comes at you with a burst of anger. By acknowledging the other person’s emotions, you’re letting him or her know that

(1) You’re giving your undivided attention.
(2) You’re concerned.
(3) You want to get to the root of the problem.

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3. Author Q&A: Spouse’s Out-of-Control Budget
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My husband travels for business quite often. Recently, he left for a conference a few days prior to the actual event. I know for a fact he was not there to entertain clients ahead of time. He called me during the conference asking if I could transfer money into his account because he spent all his budget money at the bar. This has been a recurring issue with his spending, and I think he needs to change jobs. I'm tired of being responsible for paying the bills and buying the groceries out of my budget money while he is out with his friends. How do I approach this with him?

Signed,

Over Budget

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Over Budget,

Whatever you do, do not try to solve this problem by taking control. If you do, you will enable the very behavior you are trying to influence.

Most of us so loathe having crucial confrontations that we’ll do anything possible to avoid them. Some of us just withdraw and complain. Others take control. For example, attempting to force solutions on others that we think will resolve the root cause of the concern.

In your case, you sound tempted to influence your husband to quit his job. While his job may be contributing to his budget excesses, if you take responsibility for forcing that solution on him, he is likely to reject your advice and take even less ownership for the real issue.

The real issue here is that he is violating his agreements with you. It is not that he is spending a lot of personal money on business trips. You must be clear on that distinction; otherwise, when you raise the concern he will be likely to focus on spending patterns between the two of you.

So my first piece of advice is to focus on the right issue: You have lost trust in your husband’s willingness to keep his agreements with you.

Second, make sure you don’t undermine your ability to have this conversation by acting it out rather than talking it out. Avoid the temptation to check up on him, control the bank account, make sarcastic comments, or withdraw approval or affection in order to compel him to comply with your desires. In the public realm we say that your success in a crucial confrontation is predicted by how safe you can make the other person feel. At home I’ll be even more direct--your success in this crucial confrontation will depend on your ability to influence him through an undiluted mixture of absolute love and absolute honesty.

Making it safe is not just about skills used in the conversation. You could think about the skills we teach for conversational safety as tools for maintaining situational respect. These skills ensure that while you’re talking to your husband, he knows that you care about his needs and problems and also that you respect and love him.

Another part of safety is relational safety--this is the safety, affection, and respect that he feels from you on an ongoing basis. You will have no more influence with him than you have ongoing safety in your relationship. So be sure you are regularly maintaining the warmth and affection in your relationship.

Having done that as best you can, you must now be completely honest with him about (a) your desire to have a wonderful marriage with him, and (b) your unwillingness to have a relationship where someone is dishonorable in his agreements.

If you open the conversation with safety--that is, a demonstrated commitment to having a terrific relationship--you will be much more likely to then have a searching discussion about why he is breaking his agreements. Explore all the reasons he is doing this. Jointly develop solutions--which may include changing his work situation--to help him keep his agreements. But ensure that he is responsible for helping develop these solutions, not that you are compelling him to agree with them.

If you focus on the right conversation, keep the relationship strong, create safety in the conversation, and explore the many possible reasons for the problem, you are likely to have a positive outcome.

If you’ll allow a final philosophical comment--I firmly believe that none of us achieve our potential as human beings except through relationships where others love us enough to challenge us to improve ourselves. So, the conversation you’re preparing to have is not evidence of a bad relationship; it’s evidence that you’re attempting to achieve what your very relationship is for.

Best wishes,

Joseph

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For tips on exploring all the possible root causes of a problem, see Chapter 4 (Make It Motivating) and Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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4. Letters to the Editor: Accountability and Talking with Teachers
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One thing I feel Al overlooked in his response to "exhausted" was that most nurses are at least as "exhausted" as their managers. The questioner acknowledged that there were no concerns around patient care, and in my experience nurses prioritize broadly on the basis of nursing duties first, non-nursing duties second. I am surprised to hear a nursing staff described as not being "accountable;" I have worked with many different employee groups and have never encountered a group as accountable as nurses are. First, their professional bodies mandate that they be accountable for their practice, and this sense of responsibility bleeds over into the rest of their lives, helping to rank them among the most highly respected group of practitioners of any profession in the eyes of the public at large. In sum, I suspect staffing levels and work load could be factors in this issue of "accountability."

Alan Towers

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Dear Kerry Patterson,

“Author Q&A: Addressing Your Child's Teacher” brought back memories. When my child entered kindergarten he carried with him the understanding that no one was ever allowed to slap his face (I had taught him that even prior to school age). One day he came home and informed me that his teacher had slapped him. I asked, “You mean in your face?” He replied, “Yes.”

I was furious and purposely waited two or three days before approaching the teacher. By then I had cooled down. I explained to the teacher what I had taught him about facial slaps, and I told her his exact words. She looked stunned. After a minute or so of thought, she stated that she thought she knew what he was referring to. She had spoken to him about something he was supposed to be doing. Because he wasn't looking at her, she cupped his chin and lifted his head to give him eye-to-eye contact.

I thanked her for the explanation and that night calmly told him what the teacher had said. He said that was right. I learned that night that children have to have everything defined--even the word "slap."

Kathleen

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Kerry,

Before I begin, let's admit that these are very stressful times. Let's try to be civil and compassionate.

First I agree with Tactic #1. I disagree with using Tactic #2 and going directly to the administration before talking with the teacher. What if...

1. The allegations are untrue?

2. The teacher is going through stressful personal issues, or, for some reason, isn't fully present in the classroom?

3. The teacher doesn't realize the effect he or she is having on the kids?

I thought the major thrust of Crucial Conversations was to try to arrive at a mutually acceptable resolution before doing things that could be damaging to relationships. Doesn't a teacher, who has spent a lot of effort getting qualified for a job that's under-appreciated (both in cash and status), deserve a mild correction before possibly thrashing his or her career? If Tactic #1 doesn't work, then going to the principal or administrator would be a possible next step, perhaps even the only step.

But please, can't we employ the very valuable skills you teach in Crucial Conversations first?

Thanks for listening,

Rick Cullen

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Response by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Rick,

I agree with you completely. We don’t want to bring out the big guns before we gather more data or attempt a simpler, more civil, and hopefully more effective method. Surely we owe the person a crucial conversation.

I added talking to an administrator as a second and real option because there are times when we figure a conversation will never be enough and we'll need to take a more aggressive stance. Since we only had a brief description from the person who brought up the issue, I wanted him or her to know that if the circumstances warranted it, it would not be a cop-out to talk to the authorities.

Having said this, whenever you think there is hope, you should talk face-to-face.

Thanks for your comments,

Kerry Patterson

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- November 1, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Intervention for HealthCare)

- November 10, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- November 17, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- November 1-2, Houston, TX*
- November 1-2, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- November 8-9, San Francisco, CA*
- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*
- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*

Crucial Confrontations:

- November 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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