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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
October 19, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 41
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Before and After: Crucial Confrontations in Law Enforcement
4. Kerrying On: Mr. Lockhart’s Do-Over
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“One must be truthful with oneself about one's own motives, especially if one is to survive in the world. It takes rigor, and it takes courage.”

- Alain French

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2. Tip of the Week
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Mirror to Confirm Feelings

In trying to help others move away from silence and share their thoughts and feelings, sometimes it’s not enough just to ask. You can encourage others to speak up by “mirroring.” Let others know that you think they might have something more to say by holding up a mirror--that is, by describing the disconnect between what they’re saying and how they’re saying it.

For example, “You say everything’s ok, but you seem sort of low energy when you say it. You’re looking down and folding your arms. It makes me wonder if there’s still something we need to talk about.”

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3. Before and After: Crucial Confrontations in Law Enforcement
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By Milt Haken
A Reader from Nenana, Alaska

As Chief of Police, I worked hand in hand with local judge Paul Verhagen. In the court system, we both used Crucial Confrontations skills in sentencing and dealing with different legal issues. The skills really helped us enforce sentences, see lasting results, and change the course of people’s lives for the better. Instead of perpetuating typical revolving door scenarios where we gave people a standard whack on the hand and waited for them to repeat their crimes, we began exploring better ways of holding them accountable. Consequently, we were better at reinforcing things that were taught to legal offenders.

For example, two young men were arrested for providing alcohol to underage girls in town. When we approached them in court, we tried to find the best sentence to fit each offender. I recommended that both of the boys do some community service. They agreed to come back and report to the court following their service. One of the young men went out of his way to perform the service. He did an absolutely tremendous job of doing what he said he would do. The second boy was given the same opportunity and could even have worked side-by-side with the first young man. However, he chose not to take it seriously and did not do the service.

The situation became complicated because the second young man was Native American. When he reported back to the court, issues of racial discrimination quickly surfaced as an excuse for why he hadn’t complied. It became difficult to hold him accountable for his lack of action.

With Crucial Confrontations skills, Judge Verhagen and I diagnosed the underlying motivation for the political issues and got down to the real problem. Using the facts and making it safe for everyone to express themselves, we were able to modify both boys’ sentences and help them follow through.

In the legal environment, what you communicate is more important than anything else. You have to be very careful about how you express the facts so it doesn’t come back to haunt you. Judge Verhagen did an artful job of sticking with his goal to hold the young man accountable by making it clear that he had no ulterior motives and that the court would enforce the young man’s sentence based on his actions and not racial prejudice. This one instance had a very powerful impact on our community. Crucial Confrontations gave us the skills to navigate through muddy waters and reach a win-win situation.

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4. Kerrying On: Mr. Lockhart’s Do-Over
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Sometimes you learn important lessons from the most unlikely places. I once learned a terrific lesson about leadership from a milkman. It happened in 1954, when I was eight years old.

At this stage of my life, two important events happened at the same time—Mother’s Day and the carnival. Both required money, so I had to save for months. That year I had hoarded my fifty-cent weekly allowance until I had saved six whole dollars—two dollars to buy my mom a pair of the Mother’s Day earrings she had pointed out to me at a local jewelry store, two dollars for food and bus fare, and two dollars for an unlimited ride pass at the carnival. (I loved the Octopus. In fact, I loved every single thing about the carnival.)

When I got off the bus the day I set off to buy Mom’s earrings and take a look at the carnival, I could hear the joyous sounds of the kid rides a couple of blocks away. But first things first—I had to get those earrings. As I approached the jewelry store, the cry of the carnival beckoned me. It was so inviting that I decided to put off buying the Mother’s Day earrings and go straight for the home of the Loopty-Loop. The thoughts of cotton candy and the fun house were more than I could withstand. This, of course, was my first mistake.

I made my second mistake when I arrived at the carnival itself. Instead of going directly to the ticket booth and buying my unlimited ride pass, I moseyed into the midway where a hoard of carnies tried to get me to toss baseballs or pop balloons. I resisted any temptation to compete until I came across a booth that offered as its prize small cages containing parakeets. I had never seen such birds. They were blue and green—almost florescent—and I soon learned that you could teach them to talk.

Mom would like one of these birds way more than any old earrings! Why, just look at the gorgeous creatures! And all I had to do was throw a dime and land it on a plate—a huge plate no less. And there were dozens of plates. So I eagerly cashed in a dollar for ten dimes. The first one hit right on a plate—oh boy oh boy oh boy!—but then it bounced off. But it almost landed on another plate. This was going to be easy. After bouncing six dimes and winning nothing, I stared to get discouraged. But the nice fellow who worked the counter told me not to worry—I was bound to win soon.

And so went the two dollars I had set aside for food and return bus fare. Nevertheless, if I won, I could use the two dollars I’d set aside for the earrings and I’d be back to even. The next twenty dimes bounced pretty much like the first twenty. But once again, the fellow behind the counter was certain I would soon win.

As I clutched my last two dollars, I was tempted to walk straight to the jewelry store before it was too late, but one of the parakeets chirped, “Pretty bird!”—at least, I thought it did—and that’s all it took. I had twenty more chances to buy the best present any kid had ever bought his mom for Mother’s Day!

The three-mile walk home that day was a miserable one. I hadn’t eaten anything, I didn’t have a present, and boy was I going to get in trouble when mom found out what I had done. As I walked down the last mile of the dirt road that led home, my next door neighbor, George Lockhart, drove up in his milk truck. George got up every day at the crack of dawn and delivered milk to stores and families around town. He was on his way home. Normally I would have been thrilled to hitch a ride—you know, ride up front with a guy wearing a milkman uniform and white hat; maybe he’d even give me a fudgecicle. But not this day. I had just suffered the great parakeet debacle of 1954.

One look at me and Mr. Lockhart could tell I was unhappy. As I told him my story about the beautiful birds—I mean really, you could teach them to talk and everything!—I told him how I’d lost all my money, and he nodded knowingly but didn’t say a word. Eventually, when got to his house, he turned to me and said, “I’ve done you a good turn by giving you a ride home, would you do something for me? I’ve just had a new load of wood delivered, and I need some of it chopped into kindling.” Then he handed me a large sharp ax.

All right! I’d get to swing a really cool ax and I wouldn’t have to go home and face the music! Now, before you go all safety-conscious on me, let me remind you that this was in 1954. Back then eight-year-olds went to the carnival by themselves, walked long distances alone, and yes, they even swung the occasional ax. Well, I did anyway.

After a couple of hours, Mr. Lockhart reappeared, gave my stack of kindling a nod of approval, and said it was getting dark and I should go home. As I turned down the path that connected our two houses, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked around and there was Mr. Lockhart. In his right hand he was holding a wad of six one-dollar bills. “This is for the work you did.” Then he turned on his heel and walked away.

Six dollars! At age eight, and on that particular day, it was like a million dollars to me. I could hardly wait to get home and tell Mom what had happened.

Now, let’s think about what Mr. Lockhart had done. He heard the story of how foolish I had been. Of course, he knew that my intentions were pure. He realized that I had made an innocent mistake. And he knew that I had learned from the experience. And so, instead of lecturing me—something I really didn’t need—he didn’t say a word. Instead of keeping me from trying again, he set me up for another go around.

He gave me a do-over—and it was exactly the right thing to do. When I returned to town the next morning—six dollars in hand—I went straight to the jewelry store and bought the beautiful earrings Mom wanted. She wore them on special occasions for over fifty years. When I made my way over to the carnival, I wouldn’t let myself walk within a half-block of the parakeets. I knew I’d be too weak to resist the temptation. Averting the siren call of “Pretty bird!” I bought a wad of cotton candy and an unlimited ride pass, and spun myself into oblivion.

I had learned several lessons that day. But the real lesson here is the one I learned from Mr. Lockhart about leadership.

When direct reports make a sizeable mistake, stop and ask yourself what they really need.

Were they well intended? Did they not know any better? Have they learned their lesson and what they really need now is support? Football coaches understand this. Watch what happens when a field goal kicker misses an important field goal. When the fans are jeering, booing, and threatening to hang the kicker in effigy, the coach is typically encouraging the poor fellow. There will be more kicks—maybe soon—and it’s not like the kicker didn’t care. At this point, what he needs is confidence, not criticism. Later you may help him work on his technique, but for now, you’re going to give him a do-over.

And so, when someone messes up big time at work—or perhaps it’s one of your kids who lets you down—when your natural inclination is to lay on a lecture and lay it on thick, think about old George and ask yourself: Does this person need a do-over?

Sometimes it’s just what the milkman ordered.

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About Author Kerry Patterson

Kerry Patterson began his research into the challenges of developing and maintaining healthy organizations during his doctoral work at Stanford University, and for over two decades has worked as a consultant on extensive culture-change projects. His award-winning, video-based training programs have been used successfully by hundreds of Fortune 500 companies. Read more about Kerry at
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- November 1, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Intervention for HealthCare)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- October 25-26, Arlington, VA*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*
- November 1-2, Houston, TX*
- November 1-2, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- November 8-9, San Francisco, CA*
- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*
- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*

Crucial Confrontations:

- November 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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