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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
October 12, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 40
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest Winner: Your Worst Aggravation at Work
4. Author Q&A: Addressing Your Child’s Teacher
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”

- Isaac Asimov

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2. Tip of the Week
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Encourage Testing

Once you’ve managed to share a difficult message with someone--starting with the facts and *tentatively* sharing your conclusion--invite the other person to share his or her views. Let the other person know that you’re interested in hearing his or her thoughts on the matter. Even encourage opposing views. If necessary, play devil’s advocate with your own views.

It’s okay to share your path and your feelings, even to tell a tentative story, as long as you put as much energy into encouraging others to be equally forthright.

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3. Contest Winner: Your Worst Aggravation at Work
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We're pleased to announce the winner of our "Aggravations at Work" contest: Laura La Croix.

Laura won a Crucial Conversations Audio CD Companion and a signed copy of our newest book, "Crucial Confrontations."

Her full story is below. Thank you to all those who submitted stories.

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I have been in my current administrative position for three months, and I am already frustrated with the relationship that has developed between my supervisor and me. I am new to this position and continually let my supervisor know that I am not only open to feedback, but that I am actively seeking it. I know I have a lot to learn in a short amount of time and I want to do my best. I am worried that I am dealing with a supervisor who is extremely passive-aggressive. She will rip other coworkers up and down and have nothing good to say about them, but she never does anything about it. She never addresses the issue with that person, even if it is an issue that needs to be worked through. She only says agreeable things to your face, even though you get the feeling she would like to say something else. She even went so far as to ask a coworker of mine, who is not my supervisor, to talk with me about an issue she was having with a decision I made. Most recently, she has begun subtly injecting criticisms about my work into our casual conversations--with coworkers present! Needless to say, this situation is very frustrating and unproductive. I don't want to make too many waves at my new position, but on the other hand, I know I cannot do my best work in this environment. I am searching for a way to address this issue with her face to face.

– Laura La Croix

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For help on handling a disagreeable boss, see our latest press release, “Work for a Jerk? Tips for Confronting Your Boss that Could Save Your Career” at
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/AboutUs/PressRoom/PressReleases.aspx

Also go to our newsletter archives at
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/Newsletter/Archives.aspx
and read these past Q&A responses on effectively dealing with bosses:

Apr 27, 2005
Crucial Skills: Volume 3, Issue 16 - Absentee Boss

Oct 20, 2004
Crucial Conversations Reminder: Volume 2, Issue 40 - Vague Feedback

Oct 13, 2004
Crucial Conversations Reminder: Volume 2, Issue 39 - The Boss Is a Bully

Jul 09, 2004
Crucial Conversations Reminder: Volume 2, Issue 26 - Dealing with Criticism

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4. Author Q&A: Addressing Your Child’s Teacher
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My ten-year-old daughter has shared with me that her teacher is using words like "damn," "stupid," and "shut up" in the classroom. These aren't words we use in our home and they are making her uncomfortable. She said the teacher made one boy who was misbehaving stand up in front of the class and tell the class he was a "stupid idiot." I told my daughter I wanted to talk to her teacher about this, but she started to cry. I don't want to betray her confidence, yet I do believe there is a need to talk to the teacher. I am looking for advice on how to address the teacher.

Thanks!

Concerned Parent

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Parent,

No child beyond the age of eight wants mom or dad to talk to the teacher--for reasons we can all understand. And yet your daughter has described a situation that needs to be addressed, and addressed quickly. So you have two issues: How do you let your daughter know what you’re going to do, and then what do you say to the teacher?

First, your daughter. Thank her for sharing her concerns with you. Explain that under most conditions, when she talks with you and wants you to keep a confidence, you will do so. Also explain that there are some things that she might tell you that you simply can’t allow to continue without saying something. Calling a child a “stupid idiot,” cursing, and using harsh language falls into this category.

Tell your daughter that she was right to be alarmed and you will say something to her teacher. Point out that you’re merely going to share your concerns. You won’t be angry with the teacher or make threats, you simply want the teacher to know what standards you hold, and you’re going to ask him or her to be sensitive to your views. Don’t negotiate with your daughter over whether you’re going to speak; however, ask what she thinks about what you’re going to do. Listen carefully and work through any issues she may have.

Now for the teacher. I have a daughter who taught the second grade for several years and have learned from her just how challenging the job is. In addition to trying to teach concepts to young children while managing the classroom, teachers have to continually respond to requests from the administration and deal with the one big scary wild card--the parents. That’s you. Believe me when I say that when you talk you’ll have his or her undivided attention. A harsh word from you and other parents could have a negative impact on the teacher’s career.

Tactic #1: When you talk to the teacher, start by establishing Mutual Purpose. Explain that you want to make sure that the classroom remains a healthy learning environment for all concerned. This is certainly a goal that the teacher shares. Also point out that you realize that this calls for instructional methods that encourage the sharing of ideas while ensuring that the students stick to rules of common courtesy and classroom deportment.

With children, of course, this balancing act can be a challenge. Recent information that your daughter has shared with you has you concerned about some methods the teacher has employed that you fear may have crossed the line. The methods may have been too forceful, even insulting, and you want to find out what really happened. Explain the words that were reported to you and ask how they were used and in what context. If necessary, share you views on what you think should and shouldn’t be said. You have a stake in the matter and your view is as valuable as anyone’s. Listen to the teacher’s view and come to an agreement about how similar problems will be handled in the future.

Tactic #2: The more I think about it, this situation is so extreme that I’m not sure you should chat with the teacher at all. Anyone who shapes the minds and hearts of the youth of the world and who feels free to curse as well as to make fun of a child in front of the entire class may not be cut out of the right cloth to teach--period. If you believe that the teacher isn’t likely to change or improve based on a single conversation, you probably should talk directly to the administration who may eventually take more drastic steps.

On behalf of those of us here at VitalSmarts, allow me to extend my thanks to you, a concerned parent who is willing to step up to an awkward situation and deal with it. Concerned and willing parents such as you provide an essential role in the monitoring of our education system. Thank you for sharing this challenge with us and I hope your efforts yield the results you desire.

Kerry Patterson

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For tips on staying in dialogue even when you’re feeling emotional and on delivering tough messages, see Chapter 6 (Master My Stories) and Chapter 7 (STATE My Path) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- November 1, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Intervention for HealthCare)

Crucial Confrontations
- October 19, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- October 25-26, Arlington, VA*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*
- November 1-2, Houston, TX*
- November 1-2, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- November 8-9, San Francisco, CA*
- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*
- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*

Crucial Confrontations:

- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*
- November 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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