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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS NEWSLETTER
November 30, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 46
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Survey: Holiday Hassles
4. Contest: Submit Your Best Unruly Relative Story – WIN A FREE iPOD® NANO!
5. Q&A: Accountability or Forgiveness?
6. Letter to the Editor
7. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
8. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first step to something better.”

- Wendell Phillips

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2. Tip of the Week
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Prime to Make It Safe

When you use priming to help the other person move out of violence and back into silence, it’s important to pay attention to HOW you guess at the other person’s conclusion.

You’re trying to make it safe for others to share their thoughts. That means that you have to express your best guess in a way that says, “Don’t worry, I’ll be okay with this discussion. I won’t become defensive or angry.” You do this by stating your guess calmly and matter-of-factly. You don’t choke the flow by stating, “You’re not upset because you think I made an unfair choice, are you? Because you need to know, I tried my darndest!”

Prime to make it safe--not to invite others out into the open only to punish them.

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3. Survey: Holiday Hassles
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Holidays are busy times--everyone rushes to get shopping done, make travel plans, and plan that special meal. We’d like to know how you face the challenges of the season--especially when it comes to work. What conversations are you facing this year with your boss or co-workers surrounding hectic holiday schedules? Please take a moment to complete our brief survey--it should take you less than five minutes.

http://www.keysurvey.com/survey/86213/168e/

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4. Contest: Submit Your Best Unruly Relative Story – WIN A FREE iPOD® NANO!
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Our holiday survey last year found that four out of five of you can relate to having an unruly relative--that one person who shows up at holiday dinners and makes snide remarks or just plain behaves badly. We want to hear about your worst experience with a family member wreaking holiday havoc at a family gathering. The reader who submits the BEST unruly relative story with a holiday theme will win a free iPod Nano! Winners will also have their story published in a future issue of the Crucial Skills newsletter and promoted via the media. Please e-mail your submissions to:

editor@vitalsmarts.com

Entries should be 100-200 words.

All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

iPod is a trademark of Apple Computer, Inc.

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5. Q&A: Accountability or Forgiveness?
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Dear Authors,

I work in a religious organization. In the organization’s culture, the rank and file employee has very little ability to raise questions about policies or directives without being seen as not only challenging the authority/expertise of the applicable supervisor, but sometimes as being "out of line" ecclesiastically. What compounds this problem is that the organization implicitly endorses silence over violence (it is better to "turn the other cheek") and sometimes even endorses silence over attempts at dialogue. In this environment it is very difficult to establish the safety necessary for dialogue.

Recently I was trying to talk with my supervisor about some promises he had repeatedly made that had never been fulfilled. He said that I shouldn't have relied on those promises since he didn't have full authority to make them and that I should learn to forgive. I was then encouraged to read the teachings of one of the ecclesiastical leaders on forgiveness. Others have tried approaching him on similar issues of accountability for himself or others and it is common for this supervisor to tell others to forgive. This is the case whether he or someone else has violated their promises. The message we get is that violated expectations are just part of life so "forgive and forget," but most of all "be quiet." How do any of us talk about this problem with accountability without looking like the bad guy who can't forgive?

Signed,

Fettered-with-Forgiveness-Commands

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Response by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Fettered,

This problem, by its very nature, can easily fire up one’s emotions and is exacerbated by the complexities of mixing religious doctrine with day-to-day accountability. The problem itself depends on how your faith defines each. Not knowing your definitions I’m a bit shackled, but I will plow on ahead anyway. I’ll draw on my own definitions and then you can decide if they make any sense to you.

Let me start by suggesting that in my view the concepts of forgiveness and accountability are never at odds with each other. Forgiveness takes place in one’s heart. You’ve judged another person’s actions, often become emotional as a result, and now are living with these thoughts. The idea of forgiving is to refrain from judging and let go of the strong emotions that come with it, thus freeing yourself both intellectually and emotionally. Gone are the bile and bitterness and the effects on your health and on the relationship. Once again, all of this happens within your own heart.

Accountability, in contrast, deals with the practical aspects of working together. In an environment where you’re interdependent, you make promises to one another, count on people to deliver, and then talk to one another if things don’t go as planned. If you can’t talk about disappointments and letdowns, predictability flies out the window and you live under the stress of not knowing what to expect. Living in a culture of low accountability drives you nuts and ends up killing your business. In volunteer organizations that won’t fail per se, it makes you very inefficient. All organizations, religious or otherwise, have to rely on the same rules of accountability or suffer the consequences.

Now, here’s where this takes us. When your supervisor lets you down, you try to work through the issue, and then he skirts the topic by asking you to forgive him, he’s confusing the issues. He’s taking you off the topic of accountability and reframing it as your problem of having judged him harshly--thus affecting your spiritual well-being and your emotions. Consequently, you need to forgive him to get back to where you were before. Not only is this sidetracking you from the issue of his not living up to a promise, it’s an assumption on his part about what’s going on in your heart. Maybe you don’t have to forgive him because you’ve made no such negative attributions. And even if you had judged him harshly or unfairly, it still leaves the accountability issue--a separate issue--unaddressed.

Imagine if people applied the same confused logic on a larger scale: “You’re right, I did embezzle money from the organization. I guess you’ll just have to forgive me.” Forgiveness and accountability are indeed separate issues and should be handled in separate ways.

So what’s a person to do? At a minimum I’d want to talk about separating forgiveness from accountability. I’d bring this problem up as one that needs to be resolved in order to continue improving the quality of your organization. Try starting with something like, “Can we talk about something that I fear is making it hard for us to continuously improve?”

Surely you need to be continually progressing, and this requires the ability to address and solve problems. Anything that stifles honest accountability discussion--both up and down the chain of command--stands in the way of continuous improvement. Stepping away from problems, refusing to resolve them, and calling for forgiveness does just that. It sidetracks a healthy problem-solving process. It ruins accountability.

Set up the problem by starting with the facts and then describing why you see them as a problem. Remember to use tentative language and avoid accusing your supervisor without knowing the whole story.

“When I bring up a problem, you suggest that I need to forgive you. This often takes the focus off the problem and keeps us from resolving it. I’d like to be able to talk about problems until we’ve worked them through to both our satisfaction.”

You might also want to tentatively tell the story you’re starting to tell yourself--suggest that this tactic feels manipulative and that you’d rather keep the discussions of forgiveness and accountability separate. How far you want to take this aspect of the problem is up to you, but my guess is you’ll need to say something or it could eventually harm your emotions, your beliefs, and your relationship with key people of your faith. Remember again to be tentative and make it safe for the other person when stating your conclusions:

“I’m beginning to wonder if you’re bringing up the need for forgiveness because it’s more comfortable for you than addressing the problem at hand. Is this what’s happening or am I missing something here?”

Whatever you do, make sure that you separate the two issues; stay focused on problem solving rather than forgiveness, and keep an upbeat and pleasant tone.

Best of luck,

Kerry Patterson

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6. Letters to the Editor
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Accountability Question
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I’d like to respond to the Q&A 'In a box' item number 1: "Rather, the person hearing it would respectfully, directly, and immediately talk to the offending person."

I was in a similar situation as described in this Q&A. A coworker was arriving late, leaving early, and taking long lunches consistently and also did not seem to be pulling their weight with the team. I have taken a Crucial Conversations class, and after consideration on how to handle this, I had a crucial conversation with this person. I discussed what I perceived to be abusing the relaxed environment and the fact that the other team members were not doing the same thing. Apparently I was not successful, because I was told that I was not their boss and to mind my own business.

The other team members are much more dedicated and I feel like we are carrying this person with our hard work. Any suggestion?

Wondering

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Response by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Wondering,

I'm sorry to hear your valiant attempt at candor was unsuccessful. Obviously without having seen the interaction I'm left just to guess at what might have gone wrong. A couple of thoughts:

1. Using Crucial Conversations skills does not guarantee others will agree with your views and change to conform to them. It only guarantees that you will significantly increase the likelihood that you can be heard and exert some influence. So, I hope you do not lose confidence in the rightness of speaking up because this specific conversation turned out badly.

2. Reactions like the one you describe could just as likely be defensiveness as disagreement. When someone responds defensively, you must not give up--you must create more safety. For example, you could do so by saying, "You are absolutely right, I am not your boss. And if I sound like I'm presuming to be something I'm not, I'm sorry. I don't want to tell you what to do. I do want to be honest and a loyal friend. And I wanted the chance to share something that I think could create some problems for you. Would that be alright, or would you prefer I not?"

3. If others seem more interested in defending their egos than responding to your feedback, it could also be that you have failed to capture their attention. You've framed the issue in terms of your own complaint but have not helped the other person see how the concern might be creating problems for him or her (now or in the future). The "Make It Motivating" chapter in Crucial Confrontations has some excellent suggestions for how to deal with this problem.

Keep up the good work and I'm confident that over time you will see that it's worth the effort.

Warmly,

Joseph

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7. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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8. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- December 8, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- December 15, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*
- January 24-25, Boston, MA*
- January 24-25, Atlanta, GA*
- January 24-25, Portland, OR*

Crucial Confrontations:

- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*
- January 24-25, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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