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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
November 24, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 45
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. “When Bad Relatives Happen to Good People” survey results
3. Reminder Archives
4. Kerrying On: Surviving the Holidays
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

- Dave Barry

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2. “When Bad Relatives Happen to Good People” survey results
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A few weeks ago, we invited you to take a survey about the impact unruly family members have had on your holiday gatherings--and overall family relationships. If you filled out the survey, thank you for your input.

The first glimpse of what we learned was aired on CNN’s “American Morning,” this morning (11/24) at 9:30 am Eastern Time. Author Joseph Grenny will be interviewed during that segment on “When Bad Relatives Happen to Good People.” We invite you to tune in and see how your opinion shaped ours.
For those of you who missed the show, get a full report of the survey results at http://www.vitalsmarts.com/pressroom/pressreleases.aspx

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3. Kerrying On: Surviving the Holidays
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Since the elections have come to a close and we’re now looking down the barrel of two months of holiday gatherings, many of us are wondering what it’ll take to survive the unavoidable conflicts that lie ahead. Friends and loved ones will gather around a cornucopia of recently harvested take-out food and, despite their best efforts to avoid all things hostile, controversial post-election topics will weasel their way into the conversation.

Here’s your common holiday fare. Dad denounces his firstborn for canceling out his vote. “What! Were you taking drugs when you cast a vote for _____?” Granny asks her grandniece why she’s dressed in a hooker costume—Halloween has already passed. Mom plays the martyr as she tries to guilt-trip anyone who walks through the kitchen into working. She’s been serving up heaping spoonfuls of guilt along with the feast for years.

Eventually two or more loved ones end up in a contentious debate. What starts out as a pleasant gathering with relatives wassailing each other left and right transforms into a scene from A Jerry Springer Christmas. And as a result (to put a twist on Jim Croce’s famous tune), we think about the gatherings that lie ahead and we all come down with:

”The steadily depressin’, low down mind messin’, celebratin’ Christmas blues.”

In fact, 85 percent of the readers we recently polled stated that their family holiday gatherings experience at least one heated argument where a valued relationship suffers. Rather than strengthening family bonds—and heaven only knows we need all the strength we can get—with each holiday gathering, one more link in the chain of family unity is further corroded. I speak from experience.

As a boy I looked forward to each Thanksgiving and Christmas season more than any other time of year. It was a time when I got to sit next to my brother and dad and grandfather and uncle and watch football. I don’t remember much about the games, but I can still smell the faint aroma of granddad’s nickel cigar and feel the afterglow of the camaraderie that enveloped each event. At dinner the men would compete for who could load up their plate the highest while the women mockingly chided them for courting a coronary. Of course, nothing earth shaking happened at these gatherings. I guess if the world looked in on these events they would think they were sappy. I thought they were wonderful. We loved and respected each other and it showed.

So why was it that when my beloved family members met in full force for the last time (before kids married and moved away and grandparents passed on), why did I have to be such a moron? I was now an adult fresh out of grad school where I had learned all about the importance of theoretical rigor and solid methodology. So when my cousin mentioned that she was “into” subliminal learning, I couldn’t help myself. Not only did she believe that if she played audio tapes while she slept her brain would magically take it all in (something that had been discredited years earlier), but she also believed that if she listened to her favorite guru yammer on about who know what she would be healed. What a crock.

No sooner had she announced to the crowd that she was speeding down the subliminal highway to sound mental health than I laid into her arguments like a pit bull on a pork chop. Unfortunately, her claims couldn’t be disproved. Her arguments always ended with, “but it works for me.” She was a master at ducking scientific inquiry. For instance, years later she would move a chair in her living room in order to “alter the room’s karma,” and sure enough she would be “back on the road to psychic balance”—or so she would claim.

Not being able to discredit my cousin’s arguments, I pointed out that the one-room-school over a garage where she was currently studying family therapy wasn’t a school at all—it was a loosely-coupled gathering of flakes and charlatans. I offered up this heart-felt remark to no effect. In fact, my cousin merely smiled knowingly. You know the smile—the one the spiritually enlightened sardonically flash at the unclean beasts who worship at the altar of science. I hated that smile. It hit me like a punch to the forehead.

So I punched back. Quickly I moved from lobbing cheap shots to launching a full-fledged personal attack. As I raised my voice, the spirit in the room changed from merriment to discord. My tone clanked against the pleasant background music and gentle chatter. All by myself I had defiled the very spirit of the holidays. All by myself I had upset the delicate balance of the successful family shindig. And hot dang I was proud.

My cousin rose to the fight, matching insult with insult. Soon we were one more casualty in the book of failed holiday gatherings—all because of one thing. I just had to be right. I just had to set the record straight. I just had to attack the faulty details. And then for years to come, instead of apologizing for taking a sacred family tradition and sullying it with ill will, I acted as if what I had done had been somehow noble.

Like all battles that continue through the ages, I fought that day in the name of a greater cause. It was my job to point out any logical flaws that dared to cross my path. How else could a society that buys a large portion of its news at the supermarket check-out counter—complete with a drawing of a woman who gave birth to a space alien—avoid being completely taken over by ignorance and superstition? What would happen if I didn’t do my part?

That’s right. I was just doing my part. Others could listen politely while my cousin raised idiocy to an art form, but I wouldn’t take it. I’d challenge her outlandish claims and if I hurt her feelings in the process or dealt the family gathering a death blow, that’s the price I’d have to pay for defending scientific rigor. All great things come at a price.

This was my story and I stuck to it for two decades.

So, here’s why 85 percent of the people we recently polled experience discord right along with their annual mug of eggnog. Every family gathering that has been brought to its knees by a heated and unsuccessful confrontation contains two or more participants who not only refuse to apologize for their role in the debacle, but who justify their mean-spirited and selfish attacks by explaining that they were merely defending a core value—and how wrong can that be?

Dad wants nothing more than to help sonny-boy come to his senses. That’s why he tries to set him straight. Granny wants her grandniece to quit sending the wrong message with her scandalous attire—so she won’t attract the wrong guys. Mom just wants some credit for all that she does for everyone—is that asking too much?

Let me break from the pack by making a pact. This year I’m not going to sacrifice family unity no matter what anyone says—or no matter how important the value I think I’m defending. Should a cousin announce that her health has greatly improved since she’s started eating a bushel of pine cones for breakfast while spinning hubcaps on her thumbs, I won’t laugh out loud. I’ll ask why and then actually listen. And if I still have a different view, I’ll express it in a pleasant and caring way.

Here’s my plan. I’m going to start every discussion by asking what I really want. Does everyone really have to believe what I believe? Do I really have to win each and every point? And as I offer the blessing over the food, is this really the time and place to ask God to help grandpa stop drinking? To quote Marge Simpson, do I have to “badmouth the family in front of the Almighty” just to get grandpa’s attention? What is it that I really want?

One thing’s for sure—I don’t want to turn every gathering into an event where you can’t talk about anything substantive; I just want to talk about interesting and important issues in a way that doesn’t violate the spirit of the holidays. I want my own children to enjoy the sweet taste of healthy family discourse, good will, and genuine camaraderie. And to keep on track, I’ll continually ask myself: “What is it that I really want?” That’s the plan.

Now, to help myself remember the plan, I have this really cool audio tape that I’ll play while I sleep . . . Or maybe not.

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About Author Kerry Patterson

Kerry Patterson began his research into the challenges of developing and maintaining healthy organizations during his doctoral work at Stanford University, and for over two decades has worked as a consultant on extensive culture-change projects. His award-winning, video-based training programs have been used successfully by hundreds of Fortune 500 companies. Read more about Kerry at
http://www.crucialconversations.com/AboutUs/AboutTheAuthors.asp.

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5. Send Your Questions
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Our author Q&A feature will return next week. Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and "Crucial Confrontations," visit www.crucialskills.com.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- Dec 08, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about “Crucial Confrontations” by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial confrontations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities
- November 30, Toronto, ON
- December 1, Raleigh, NC
- December 2, Cleveland (Highland Hills), OH
- December 7, Austin, TX
- January 13, San Antonio, TX
- January 19, Eugene, OR

Open Enrollment Training
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The Crucial Conversations Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- November 30-Dec.1, Greenwood Village, CO*
- November 30-Dec.1, Austin, TX*
- November 30-Dec.1, Palo Alto, CA*
- December 7-8, Irvine, CA*
- December 7-8, Chicago, IL*
- January 18-19, Research Triangle Park, NC

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training
*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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