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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS NEWSLETTER
November 9, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 44
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Before and After: Crucial Conversations at the United Nations
4. Author Q&A: Group Crucial Conversations?
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound.”

- James Allen

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2. Tip of the Week
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Paraphrase, Don’t Parrot

Paraphrasing helps let others know that you’re listening and that it’s safe to discuss the topic at hand. But don’t parrot. Don’t mindlessly repeat the other person’s words. Complete restatements can be lengthy, sound like a technique, and put others off. Your goal is to make it safe for others to talk, so restate what they’re saying in your own words to show that you’re understanding what they’re saying, not just “hearing” it.

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3. Before and After: Crucial Conversations at the United Nations
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By Marilu Southam
Geneva, Switzerland

During the summer of 2004, my husband secured a coveted internship in Geneva, Switzerland, working for the United Nations. There I befriended the Geneva representative for a non-governmental organization for women. She was gearing up for the upcoming Sub-Commission on the Promotion and Protection of Human Rights.

I became involved in this committee’s efforts to seek UN support to prevent human rights abuses to children. The focus was on child abduction and safety, and specifically, the oppression of religious expression, child soldiers, and young girls being sold into sex slavery. These abhorrent practices were being largely ignored by officials of certain countries.

I became concerned about the wording of the report the committee was drafting. I felt the severity of the issues at hand was being diluted. The committee informed me they had to take extreme caution not to offend certain country officials who “looked the other way” regarding these abuses for fear of damaging relationships. Regardless, I felt this was a crucial issue that would have significant consequences. I expressed my belief that it was possible to be both candid and respectful in presenting delicate information.

To my surprise, they invited me to rewrite the report. I did, being careful to be honest while maintaining respect. The committee agreed that my version was more forthright and showed appropriate consideration.

Ten days before the report was to be presented, the committee chairperson asked me to make the presentation! This was both an honor and a shock. I spent the next several days preparing and getting very little sleep in anticipation of the event.

My turn finally came. After I finished presenting, many people were teary eyed. Others hurried over to ask me for a copy of my speech for various networking and documenting purposes, as was standard for all presentations. As they approached, some were emotional and many expressed thanks to me for surfacing the issues. Several asked for my business card. As a 22-year-old student, I didn’t have one.

I learned many lessons through this experience, but one that stands out is the importance of realizing it is possible to be both candid and respectful with the right set of skills. The consequences can be significant.

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4. Author Q&A: Vicarious Conversations?
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Dear Authors,

I'm a partner in a small law firm in a small town. I'm about to have a Crucial Conversation with a fairly new secretary who is doing a lot of personal stuff on 'company' time. Two problems: 1) the secretary who shared her concerns with me about this new secretary doesn't want to be identified as the source of the information and no one else would know all this info about her; 2) the new secretary's response is likely to be "Everyone does it--why pick on me?" I know that's a sidetracking tactic, but she'd be right--we're pretty lax. We try to treat our staff well, and allow them a fair amount of freedom. Sometimes I feel it gets abused, so my question is, do you ever have a Crucial Conversation with a group--in my case, at a staff meeting, for example?

Thanks for the guidance. And thanks especially for a great course, a great instructor, and great information.

Signed,

In a Box

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear In a Box,

There are a few interesting issues you raise. Let me point them out, then respond to them in reverse order of my final recommendation.

1. How can you raise a crucial conversation or confrontation when the factual basis for it is confidential? The answer, of course, is you can’t. Imagine opening this way, “Okay, I know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing, but I can’t tell you what. So, please just knock anything off that you’re doing wrong.” Hmmm. This may fall a bit short of your intended mark. So how do you get yourself out of this box? One reason you are sitting on the horns of this dilemma is that the secretary who shared the information with you is unwilling to hold a crucial confrontation herself. In healthy organizations, everyone is responsible for maintaining standards. For example, if someone made a racist comment in a healthy organization, you would not expect that a private complaint would be filed to HR, who would then confront the individual. Rather, the person hearing it would respectfully, directly, and immediately talk to the offending person. So, issue number one is that you need to work on building competence, confidence, and responsibility in your organization in each person to challenge things that are not as they should be.

2. The second issue you raise is “With whom should I hold this conversation?” If your culture is one that is lax in general, as you suggest, then it is patently unfair to single one person out to demonstrate a new standard--at least a standard that has not been communicated. The first crucial conversation you need to have is with your partners. You need to gain their support for raising the performance standard of your company. As a group you have opted to preserve “niceness” over accountability. This is a sucker’s choice. It is possible--in fact it is more possible--to create a highly satisfying workplace by sustaining high expectations of performance. Nothing erodes a sense of mutual respect and camaraderie more than mediocrity and laxity. As you work on improving people’s ability to hold crucial conversations and confrontations about their concerns with each other, you are likely to go through a period of adjustment. But ultimately, people will feel greater pride, security, and mutual regard as they can candidly express their views and concerns with each other.

3. Finally, we get to the acute issue you raised initially. After coming to agreement with your partners about raising standards, you are absolutely right in having a “group crucial conversation” about how things used to be and how they should be in the future. Use all your crucial conversations skills to do so. Create a mutual purpose for raising the standard. Acknowledge the acceptability of lax practices in the past--no one is a villain for having followed them. But clearly outline your behavioral expectations in the future. And be sure to describe one most important behavior: It is everyone’s responsibility to help establish the new standards--everyone must be willing and able to step up to crucial confrontations to respectfully remind others when they violate the standards.

If you actively work to build a culture of competence with crucial skills, you will never again have someone asking you to act on information you can’t share and hoping you’ll hold their crucial conversation for them.

Good luck,

Joseph

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- November 10, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)
- December 8, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- November 17, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)
- December 15, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*
- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*
- January 24-25, Boston, MA*
- January 24-25, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*
- January 24-25, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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