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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS NEWSLETTER
November 2, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 43
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Crucial Applications: Overcoming the “Nasty versus Nice” Debate
4. Author Q&A: Vicarious Conversations?
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.”

– Eric Hoffer

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2. Tip of the Week
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Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story

When you invite others to share their thoughts or feelings, and make it safe to do so, they’ll sometimes open up and dump out their whole story. At this point, it’s best to check to see if you understand what they’re saying. Paraphrase. That is, put in your own words what you think the other person stated. This lets the other person know you’re trying to understand. Respectfully paraphrasing others’ stories demonstrates to them that the topic is a safe one.

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3. Crucial Applications: Overcoming the “Nasty versus Nice” Debate
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By Ron McMillan

Lately it seems the evolution of corporate leadership has come full circle: feared tyrants to spineless pushovers and back again to oppressive leaders. This cyclical trend sparks a timeless debate: which management style is better for business? The “nasty boss” or the “nice boss”?

For more than two decades, my partners and I have spent more than 10,000 hours observing and studying more than 25,000 influential organizational leaders. To identify these leaders, we compared top performers to above-average employees and evaluated the differences. What we discovered is effective leaders are both 100 percent honest and direct in describing tough issues and 100 percent respectful in the way they communicate. Additionally, effective leaders demonstrate the following characteristics:

- They transform potential conflict into improved results.
- They confront poor performers and incompetence in a timely manner without tolerating or ignoring the real issue.
- They remain candidly honest when issues arise and avoid tolerating lax accountability or instilling fear in employees.
- They frequently interact with direct reports as a team player, not an individual contributor.
- They provide coaching that is specific, clear, and actionable without capitalizing on shortcomings.

Our experience and research findings suggest the timeless dispute is a moot point. “Nice” and “nasty” management styles are not predictors of success or failure. What is best for business is an approach that respectfully confronts the gap between business objectives and the level of performance and, with employees, jointly solves problems and violated expectations. Civilly confronting workplace issues as they occur with honesty, directness, and respect builds a culture of safety and productivity where employees are held accountable and feel empowered to meet and exceed expectations.

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4. Author Q&A: Vicarious Conversations?
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Dear Authors,

I was wondering if you could share your insights on a perplexing issue: How can I devise a plan to creatively/effectively communicate with workers on shift (those who can't attend regular face-to-face meetings with supervisors, all-hands meetings with plant managers, etc.)? Our managers/supervisors are finding it hard to have crucial conversations with shift personnel because of their odd schedules. As a result, these employees feel "disengaged" and not aligned with our company's strategies. Can you help?

Thanks much!

Indirect Communication

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Indirect,

Thanks for the question. The problem you bring up is shared by thousands of people worldwide. It highlights the challenges often explored under the behavioral science category known as “propinquity”--that is, physical distance and frequency of interaction. It turns out proximity and interaction have a greater effect on likeability, collaboration, respect, and inclusion than virtually any other variable. When you examine social patterns or conduct surveys that surface friendship patterns, distance and the subsequent frequency of interaction account for a great deal (often almost all) of the variance. You like people you see all the time. People you don’t see, you don’t care for as much. In more common relationship terms, “Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder.” The more likely outcome is “Out of sight, out of mind.”

As a consultant, I worked on this very issue long before we ever wrote our books. The finding was always the same. A lack of face-to-face time typically creates problems. People who work on different shifts in the same workspace (usually sharing the same equipment and production line) suffer twice. First, they don’t see each other, so they might as well be located a thousand miles away. Second, they share the same space, so they’re constantly causing each other problems. One shift doesn’t clean up or does all the easy jobs or uses up resources without replacing them, etc. Under these circumstances you have the unsavory combination of high interdependence with almost no direct interaction. It’s a near perfect formula for backbiting, stereotyping, and infighting. And as you pointed out, people who don’t work on the day shift (often known as the “off” shift--an indicator of prejudice if ever there was one) typically feel less included than their day-shift counterparts, and often act less engaged.

So, what’s a person to do?

Beware of e-mail, voice mail, and other electronic solutions. These modern technologies aimed at resolving propinquity problems can be both an aid and a challenge. E-mail may make it easier to share information--and that can be good--but it keeps people from ever talking face-to-face--and that’s generally bad. “We’ll just drop them a note,” people think to themselves. That way they don’t have to stay after work to hold an actual conversation. If you’re merely sharing information, it’s a good use of the medium. If you’re trying to replace an actual conversation, it’ll never work. The use of electronic tools is even on the rise with people who work the same shift and are near one another. Between e-mail, instant messaging, and voice mail, some people now almost never talk face-to-face with the person in the next cubicle. This rarely makes things better.

Of course, when people start to talk about problems via e-mail it can be a real disaster. You don’t have the normal give-and-take you would have in a tête-à-tête. You can’t read nonverbals. You can’t make quick adjustments. Problems end up going unresolved and relationships typically grow worse. Like it or not, you can’t hold a crucial conversation via e-mail.

The same is true when giving complicated or tough assignments. People resent being given additional assignments through an e-mail that implies they have plenty of free time when, in fact, their plate is full. People want to be able to discuss priorities, push back where it makes sense, and otherwise discuss what should happen. It’s hard to do this when you can’t read each other. Even a phone conversation doesn’t necessarily provide the information you need.

The solution to a lack of face time, as you might imagine, lies in offering more actual human contact. Everything else falls woefully short. With shift work in manufacturing, many companies now schedule the two groups to overlap one afternoon every couple of weeks. They pay one team overtime to come in early or to stay late and then discuss common challenges and the solutions. This has proven enormously effective in reducing conflict.

When it comes to supervisors having to deal with people who are working different hours, there is no royal road to helping those who are on different shifts feel included--short of meeting with them fairly regularly, even if for just a few minutes. If you want to find a group of really disgruntled people, talk to employees whose boss works in a different town or isn’t on the same shift. This same boss writes these people’s performance reviews, and as you might imagine, employees almost always feel unfairly judged when they’re being evaluated by a person from afar. How can a boss who doesn’t see them in action know how to evaluate anything other than a handful of output measures--many of which feel out of their control? These folks don’t merely feel excluded, they typically feel mistreated.

Until leaders schedule time to meet and work with people on different shifts, don’t expect much to change. The presence or absence of the ability to rub shoulders and get to know and respect one another is such a powerful force that almost nothing can replace it. In your efforts to create a sense of commitment and inclusion you can give fancy speeches, write clever memos, even put together engaging videos; but nothing will ever replace meeting informally, chatting, problem-solving, and just having actual time together. So, meet informally and share your views of what can be. Jointly celebrate your successes and mourn your losses. It’s the only cure to the propinquity problem.

Kerry

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- November 10, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- November 17, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- November 8-9, San Francisco, CA*
- November 15-16, Bloomington/Minneapolis, MN*
- December 6-7, Irvine, CA*
- December 6-7, Chicago, IL*
- January 24-25, Boston, MA*
- January 24-25, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- November 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- December 6-7, Atlanta, GA*
- January 24-25, San Diego, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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