::VitalSmarts - Get Newsletter::

==========================================
CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
May 25, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 20
==========================================

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest: Has a Crucial Conversation Changed Your Life?
4. Q&A: Lending Money
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

------------------------------------------
1. Quote of the Week
------------------------------------------

“The answer is no until you ask the question. “

- Mark Tidwell

------------------------------------------
2. Tip of the Week
------------------------------------------

Watch for Victim Stories

When you find yourself telling a story that makes you out to be an innocent sufferer, rethink the situation. It could be that this story is keeping you from reaching dialogue. Very often in these stories, we leave out facts about the role we may have played in the problem. For instance, we complain about a direct report who takes no initiative: “I give him clear instructions, check with him several times a day, and he still brings me problems instead of solutions.” What we don’t include is that we smother him with answers and give him a patronizing stare when he does offer up an idea of his own.

When you find yourself telling victim stories, tell the rest of the story and turn yourself from a victim into an actor by asking, “What am I pretending not to know about the role I played in the problem?”

If outsiders watched what just took place, would they partially blame you? It takes courage to examine your own role. It also transforms you from a helpless victim into an actor who can take charge of at least part of the solution.

------------------------------------------
3. Contest: Has a Crucial Conversation Changed Your Life?
------------------------------------------

Final Week for Submissions

Can one conversation literally make the difference between life and death? Between a relationship that works and one that makes you physically ill? Between a business flourishing or going bankrupt? Between a marriage making it or failing miserably?

We're looking for your stories of turning a negative situation around (whether it was a failing marriage, business, relationship, or even dangerous encounter) with one conversation. You knew which conversation to have, you had the tools and knowledge to have it, and you got the dramatic, even immediate and life-changing results you had been wanting and waiting for--in some cases for years. Is your life better because you weren't afraid to step up to a crucial conversation? We want to hear about it!

E-mail your stories to editor@vitalsmarts.com. The winner may get his or her story published in an upcoming newsletter and receive a free Crucial Conversations Audio CD Companion, as well as a signed copy of one of our bestselling books. Please include your contact information (name, address, e-mail, phone number).

------------------------------------------
4. Q&A: Lending Money
------------------------------------------

Dear Authors,

How do I ask my former sister-in-law for money that she owes me?

My former sister-in-law is a high powered attorney in NY. Her son and my son are the same age and are good friends. I suggested to her they attend camp together for the summer and she asked that I go ahead and register both boys and also pay the registration fee, which I did. She said she would follow up with payment. A month later she still had not reimbursed me, so I sent her an e-mail reminding her. Still no response.

We are not very close and I have never really felt that she respected me. How do I confront her without getting hostile?

Signed,

Repo Woman

-------------------------

Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Repo Woman,

Your last two sentences say it all. It was appropriate for you to include all that you did in that final brief paragraph. You first disclose that you believe she doesn’t respect you. Then you add that your challenge is to confront without hostility. My first point is that these two issues are inextricably connected. You will be hostile to the degree that you a) believe she doesn’t respect you; b) believe her disrespect of you actually means something about you; and c) use a & b to assemble a story that has her avoiding repaying you because she is intentionally trying to stick it to you.

In other words, your hostility will be driven by the story you’re telling yourself about her and her behavior and not by the behavior itself.

You first must work on your story. Some options you have are to find a way to tell a story that:

• Has her feeling some degree of respect for you. (Hint: what are three pieces of evidence an objective outsider would give you to demonstrate that she holds you in some level of esteem? For example, she allows/encourages her son to spend significant amounts of time with your son.)

• Makes you less dependent on her feelings about you. (Hint: Why does it matter that she doesn’t totally respect you? Who cares? What stories do you tell about yourself that make you suspect she shouldn’t respect you? Are these stories true?)

• Explains why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would not have repaid you. (Hint: it’s a small amount and she’s forgetful; you’ve done something to bug her in the past and this is her way of needling you; she’s strapped for cash living her lavish, lawyerly lifestyle; etc.)

What I’m suggesting is that you provoke, assault, soften, and challenge your story about her, about your relationship, and about what’s going on. At the end of the day the only way you can avoid being hostile is to stop feeling hostile. And the only way to stop feeling hostile is to master your story.

Now, how do you hold this conversation? Person to person. You have now exceeded the utility of e-mail and will only get into trouble by taking this next step electronically. Call her up.

Now that you’ve got her on the phone (or in person), hold the right conversation. This is a pattern issue. Talk about the pattern, not the money. Describe the gap between what you expected and what you are getting in a way that illustrates the pattern of neglect. As you “describe the gap” be sure to create safety--don’t attribute bad motive--and affirm your basic respect for her:

“Two months ago you asked me to sign your son up with mine for summer camp. I was so glad you agreed because your son and mine have such a special relationship. At that time you asked me to cover the deposit and promised to pay me back soon. After a month lapsed and I didn’t get the deposit from you I sent an e-mail. When I covered the deposit, I expected you’d pay it back soon so I wouldn’t have to ask because I don’t want to have the burden of nagging. What’s up?”

Hopefully you can see in this sample script my attempt to show respect, clarify my concern, and open up the right conversation--not just one about the money, but one about a pattern of her not keeping the commitment and pushing the problem onto you.

You may also want to build a little more safety by demonstrating that you are not attributing bad motive about her failure to repay:

“When you didn’t respond I wondered if maybe you didn’t get my e-mail. Or perhaps you’re short on cash in the short term. If there are any issues I’m happy to try to work this out in some reasonable way. What’s up?”

When you demonstrate your willingness to attribute good motive, or to show understanding for challenges the other person faces, you aren’t letting her off the hook. You’re simply making it safe for her to open up about what she’s facing. Then with full information about what’s going on, you can agree on a solution that suits you both.

Good luck!

Joseph

--------------------

For tips on telling helpful stories and starting off a problem solving discussion, see Chapter 2(Master My Stories) and Chapter 3 (Describe the Gap) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

------------------------------------------
5. Send Your Questions
------------------------------------------

Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

-------------------------------------------
6. Where Can I Learn More?
-------------------------------------------

Special Author Events
--------------------------
Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Web Seminars
-------------------------
Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free Web Seminar.

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
--------------------------
Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*
- June 21-22, Cleveland, OH*
- June 21-22, Minneapolis-Bloomington, MN
- June 21-22, Arlington, VA*
- August 2-3, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD

Crucial Confrontations:

- June 14-15, Irvine, CA*
- June 20-21, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO*
- July 12-13, Baltimore, MD
- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

=================================================================

Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? Send an e-mail to editor@vitalsmarts.com

You are receiving this newsletter because you expressed an interest in receiving updates from Crucial Conversations--either by signing up for the newsletter or by registering on the site and choosing to receive this reminder.

If we have sent this to you in error, or if you wish to remove your name from future communications, please click the link below:
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/unsubscribe.aspx?MSN=reminders

If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list, have them visit www.crucialskills.com where they can sign up to receive information and access free resources.