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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
May 11, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 18
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Survey Results: Asking for Time off Work
4. Soundview Audio Conference featuring Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny
5. Q&A: Seeking an Honest Relationship
6. Send Your Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."

- Gary Collins

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2. Tip of the Week
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Talk Tentatively

Just as important as deciding WHAT to talk about is knowing HOW to talk about it. When you’re excited about something--maybe a new plan or a creative idea--tentative language can help. It’s easy to be so enthusiastic that you move from adding to the pool to trying to cheerlead your meaning into the pool. This can lead others to become defensive. When it comes to touchy subjects or potentially harsh stories, style rules.

Avoid absolute statements that disguise your stories as facts (e.g., “the fact is,” “As everyone knows,” “It’s obvious that”).

Instead, opt for terms that give your stories the right tone and more credibility (e.g., “I’ve been wondering,” “It seems to me,” “Maybe”)

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3. Survey Results: Asking for Time off Work
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A recent VitalSmarts survey showed half of all workers polled report they are unable to use all the vacation time they earn at work. The number is a wearisome 56 percent when you consider only managers. One-third of these respondents say the problem is even bigger—they rate their work-life balance as either “Poor” or “Very poor.”

Even when people are on vacation, they aren’t really “vacating.” More than half (55 percent) of employees report they have been asked to stay on top of e-mails, participate in conference calls, and do other work-related things while on vacation.

The cause is clear. Those who are happiest with their work-life balance report the primary cause is their confidence in asking their managers for time off or support with family issues. The problem is not “culture” in the broader sense; it is the very specific relationship with the direct supervisor. Those who can hold this “crucial conversation” well report that work-life balance is working.

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4. Soundview Audio Conference featuring Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny
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Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny will discuss the concepts from their most recent bestselling book, "Crucial Confrontations," with Soundview Editor-in-Chief Chris Murray. Don't miss it!

Wednesday, June 9, 2005
1:00 pm – 2:30 pm ET

Cost is $199 per site dialing in ($169 for Soundview Subscribers)--an unlimited number of staff may listen in at each site.

Sponsors: Barnes & Noble, The SCORE Assoc., Clement Communications, Books 24x7, BusinessWeek, HSM Group, VitalSmarts

Register at the following link: http://soundview.summary.com/aff.pl?id=361

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5. Q&A: Seeking an Honest Relationship
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Dear Authors,

Any pointers on a conversation that should have happened many years ago?

I'm interested in asking my mother why she was so angry when we (the children) were young. When I say angry, I do mean physically abusive. I have done a lot of personal work and am almost (honestly, almost) past wanting to punish her.

The reason I'd like to do this is I have avoided an honest relationship with my mother for forty years and would like to change that. How should I approach her?

Signed,

About Time

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear About Time,

First, the disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I am an organization development consultant. And while I feel confident offering suggestions for how to effectively communicate both at work and at home, I do not pretend to possess expertise in accommodating the challenging psychological dynamics resulting from abuse.

Second, the due diligence: But I know someone who does. My father is a veteran Marriage and Family counselor of forty years. He is also a trained psychotherapist. So to ensure that I do justice to your important question, I collaborated with him in writing this response.

Here goes.

A first challenge in this very crucial confrontation will be to clarify--and retain your grip on--your motives. There are certain goals that are both unattainable and unhelpful in this conversation. One is revenge. If your goal is to hurt your mother as you feel she hurt you, you are likely to be dissatisfied with the result. I admire your honesty in recognizing that you harbor some of this motive. That honesty will stand you in good stead in preparing and holding this conversation. A second ineffective motive will be to change your mother. While if the conversation goes well your relationship might change, the majority of the change might be in the stories you tell yourself about your mother rather than in her behavior toward you. I hope and pray that both happen, but can only suggest that the former is the likeliest outcome.

So my suggestion is that one of your motives be understanding. If that is the goal, you stand a good chance of succeeding. A second goal may be also to obtain a future adult relationship with her. She may never be the mother you always wanted, but you may be able to obtain the relationship she is capable of having--in the here and now and not one that makes up for lost time and childhood.

The second challenge will be to suspend your stories. The stories you carry today can be fixed and unchanged products of the ones you shaped in your childhood with your mother. You still see her through the eyes of a hurt and disappointed child. You still see yourself as hungry and small. Once again, your goal in this conversation must not be to convince your mother of your stories, but to come to understand hers. This new information may completely change your stories. Or it may just add context to them--and changing the dimensions a little can change the colors greatly. For example, you may see her today as villain and yourself as victim. After your crucial conversation you may still see yourself as victim--and rightly so. But the villain may have more depth and context than she does now. And that alone will change your relationship with your mother.

The third challenge will be to listen--to explore her path. You may have a compelling need to talk, to explain, to convince. If you do, check your motives. Recommit yourself to your goal of understanding rather than convincing or punishing. Ask many questions. Create safety. Try to appreciate who she was and where she is coming from. If you do this, you will not only find yourself influenced, but she will be more likely to be spontaneously open to your influence. You may find a small opening through which she will begin to wonder about your views and perspective. But perhaps not. And if she does not, you will still have succeeded if you gain insight and understanding. And you will still have the potential of creating some level of future relationship with her if that is still important to you.

You will never resolve or recover the past you didn’t have with her. But if you approach this and future crucial conversations with her well, you may possibly have a meaningful friendship in the future.

And while even that goal is not assured, I suspect you will find greater peace of mind just in the attempt.

You have my full best wishes as you contemplate this important conversation.

Joseph Grenny
Dr. Guy Grenny

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For tips on mastering your own stories and on helping others share theirs, see Chapter 6 (Master My Stories) and Chapter 8 (Explore Others’ Paths) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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6. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

- May 18, 1:00-2:15 P.M. (Eastern) (“Crucial Conversations” Overview)
- May 25, 1:00-2:15 P.M. (Eastern) (“Crucial Confrontations” Overview)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT*
- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*
- June 21-22, Cleveland, OH*
- June 21-22, Minneapolis-Bloomington, MN
- June 21-22, Arlington, VA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- June 14-15, Irvine, CA*
- June 20-21, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO*
- July 12-13, Baltimore, MD

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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