::VitalSmarts - Get Newsletter::

==========================================
CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
March 30, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 13
==========================================

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Tip of the Week
2. Survey: Help Us Improve the Crucial Skills Reminder
3. Q&A: Bringing Up Personal Hygiene
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

------------------------------------------
1. Tip of the Week
------------------------------------------

Refuse the Sucker’s Choice

Are you feeling stuck in approaching a particular crucial conversation? Do you feel it’s hopeless to even attempt it because you know how it will turn out?

Check to see if you’re making a “Sucker’s Choice” here. It’s possible you’re assuming that there are only two choices--both of them bad. Look for a third, healthier alternative. Once you introduce that as a possibility, you give yourself room to think of the alternatives. For example:

* Are you worried that you can either be completely honest OR protect the other person’s feelings? Ask yourself: “How can I be honest about this AND not hurt the other person?” Then explore ways of doing so.

* Do you think you have to either yell to get things done OR keep the peace and let deadlines and commitments suffer? Ask yourself “how can I keep from yelling AND still get follow-up on commitments?”

------------------------------------------
2. Survey: Help Us Improve the Crucial Skills Reminder
------------------------------------------

Crucial Skills Weekly Reminder Reader Poll

In order to make the Crucial Skills Reminder more user friendly, we’re updating our look and feel. We will soon be moving to an HTML format (with provisions for those readers who prefer plain text), and we’d like your input on what features you think would help with our objectives of making the Reminder content more useful and entertaining, providing you a more interactive experience, and keeping you informed of the latest Crucial Skills news.

Please help us out by visiting the following site and filling out a brief survey--this survey will take less than five minutes of your time.

http://www.keysurvey.com/survey/58819/1082/

------------------------------------------
3. Q&A: Bringing Up Personal Hygiene
------------------------------------------

Dear Crucial Skills,

I work in a cubicle environment and sit next to a man who has a personal hygiene problem that is very hard to ignore. He's a peer of mine--should I address this issue? And if so, how do I do it appropriately? He's infamous in the office--everyone knows it seems, except him!

Signed,

Suffering in Silence

-------------------------

Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Suffering,

Often when I conduct training across the country someone brings up the “personal hygiene” question. Nobody wants to say anything to those concerned, and yet everyone suffers. People typically feel uncertain about bringing up issues with this topic for two obvious reasons. One, it’s not as if hygiene is an insurmountable issue--more of a convenience issue. Two, the other person just might be hurt, humiliated, or offended. We look at the balance between cost and benefit and often choose to continue to suffer.

In fact, the fear of humiliating the other person can be so great that some people absolutely refuse to broach the topic. My first job as a Coast Guard officer some thirty-four years ago put this problem in perspective when the head accountant who reported to me asked me to talk to her direct report (they also shared a small space) who had offensive body odor. I suggested that, one, she had the problem, two, she was the boss, and three, it was her job to talk directly to the person. She then told me that she would retire early rather than say a word. And she wasn’t kidding.

So I held the conversation. In retrospect, I just remember it was hard and that I didn’t do very well. The person cried and I felt bad.

So, let me share a couple of things I’ve learned since then about what to do and what not to do when discussing what could be a humiliating topic.

First and foremost, you want to keep the scope of this problem small and the tone breezy and relaxed. Don’t even think about mentioning that everyone knows about the problem but him. This is an important data point for why you should say something (and you should)--but it would be far too insulting to actually say aloud.

Second, be very careful in your use of terms. While there is no word that doesn’t carry with it a bit of a stigma, words like “Stink” or “offend,” certainly don’t work. Similarly, don’t go for political or cute language such as “hygiene impaired.” This isn’t a laughing matter.

Third, I would start the conversation by both Contrasting and sharing your good intentions. “I wonder if I could talk about something that would help me out at work a bit. It’s not a huge deal, but it’s worth mentioning.”

Fourth, I would limit the scope of the problem. Once again, don’t say it’s been going on forever or it’s causing you huge grief or that everyone else has talked over this issue. Don’t unnecessarily add to the pain this conversation could cause. Since it’s the first time you’ve brought it up, treat it as something that has only recently become an issue. Keep the discussion private--during and after your conversation. This will help the other person feel safe remedying the problem. If it’s feasible, try to give the other person an out or excuse. For example, “Recently I get the feeling that maybe you’ve been exercising before work or something. (Smile) In any case, we work so close together that I’m wondering if we can talk about a change that’s affecting our working environment.”

At this point, you’ve delicately placed the problem in the open and the quicker you finish the discussion the better. Accept any excuse they might come up with--bogus or otherwise. This is all about helping the other person save face. Once again, keep the tone easy and relaxed.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember as you approach such a highly sensitive topic is that you care about the other person and want to help him both address the issue and not feel humiliated in the process. Keeping this in mind will go a long way toward setting the tone and helping an awkward discussion go quickly and smoothly.

Good luck,

Kerry Patterson

--------------------

For more on making it safe to discuss tough or sensitive issues, read Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

------------------------------------------
4. Send Your Questions
------------------------------------------

Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

-------------------------------------------
5. Where Can I Learn More?
-------------------------------------------

Special Author Events
--------------------------
Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Web Seminars
-------------------------
Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

- April 14, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Confrontations)

- April 19, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
--------------------------
Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- April 5-6, Irvine, CA*
- April 5-6, Palo Alto, CA
- April 26-27, New York, NY*
- May 10-11, Baltimore, MD*
- May 10-11, Troy, MI *
- May 10-11, SF Bay Area, CA
- May 10-11, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO *
- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT*
- June 7-8, Arlington, VA*
- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- April 5-6, Research Triangle Park, NC*
- April 5-6, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO*
- April 19-20, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- April 26-27, Washington, DC*
- June 14-15, Southern CA*
- June 20-21, Troy, MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village, CO*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

=================================================================
Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? Send an e-mail to editor@vitalsmarts.com

You are receiving this newsletter because you expressed an interest in receiving updates from Crucial Conversations--either by signing up for the newsletter or by registering on the site and choosing to receive this reminder.

If we have sent this to you in error, or if you wish to remove your name from future communications, please click the link below:
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/unsubscribe.aspx?MSN=reminders

If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list, have them visit www.crucialskills.com where they can sign up to receive information and access free resources.