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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
March 16, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 11
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Tip of the Week
2. Crucial Applications: Handling Stress
3. Getting the Quality Healthcare You Deserve
4. Q&A: Intervening Mother-in-Law
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Tip of the Week
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Tip of the week

Use Contrasting as a way of reestablishing respect when the other person misunderstands your purpose in brining up an issue. For example:

“I don’t want you to think I’m criticizing your contributions to our team. I think you do great work. I do, however, have some concerns about your letter writing skills.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m saying you aren’t a good spouse or that you aren’t pulling your weight. That’s not what I think at all. I do, however, have some concerns about how you budget the paycheck.”

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2. Crucial Applications: Handling Stress
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** “Crucial Applications" is a new monthly feature offering tips and suggestions for applying crucial skills to relevant, real-life situations. Each month we’ll feature a new topic from an industry expert or one of our authors that covers crucial issues at work or at home. As we develop this section of the newsletter, we'd like to hear from you. If you would like to see a particular topic addressed, or if you have general feedback, please e-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com. We hope you find this content useful.**

“Handling Stress”

By Kerry Patterson

As you watch people who thrive under horrendous pressure, you quickly discover their source of strength. They don’t thrive because they experience stress, squeeze a beanbag, and then fall back into control. Most don’t feel stress in the first place.

Why is that? Because they know how to handle crucial conversations. When facing an apparent debacle, they don’t whip themselves into a frenzy by assuming the worst of others. Instead, they assume the best and then look for facts. They don't hold court in their head about others and find them guilty before exploring the facts.

They also know how to express their strong opinions in a way that’s persuasive, not abrasive. How? They make others feel safe by assuring them of their own positive intentions and respect for them. Finally, they invite dialogue. This means they actually encourage the other person to disagree with them.

By avoiding heated arguments, they keep emotions in check.

So here’s the big take away. Learn how to master crucial conversations, and cut off stress at the source.

Visit www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/ and take our free online Style Under Stress assessment. This short quiz will help you understand your tendencies to move toward silence, violence, or dialogue.

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3. Getting the Quality Healthcare You Deserve
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Although reducing medical errors is the goal of healthcare professionals worldwide, are you as a patient causing or contributing to these mistakes by not talking to your healthcare provider when it matters most?

We extend our support of National Patient Safety Awareness Week (which was March 6-12, 2005) with continued access to the results from our newest study. Research shows that patients who speak up get better healthcare results. And yet the study found that fewer than half of us speak up at the moment it could have made the greatest difference.

Change your approach today by visiting www.silencekills.com for the following useful tools:

* Brochure: "Turn Worries into Words: Five Tips to Make Sure You Get the Best Healthcare

* Forum: Discuss your toughest healthcare issues with peers and communication experts

* Patient Survey Results: New survey reveals most patients are uncomfortable confronting medical personnel

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4. Q&A: Intervening Mother-in-Law
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Dear Crucial Skills,

At a large family gathering, my four-year-old son threw a temper tantrum wanting his cake and ice cream in a bowl rather than on a plate. My wife told him he could have the dessert on the plate as it was served or not at all. Seeing my son's dissatisfaction with this arrangement, my mother-in-law stepped in with a bowl and loudly stated, "This is my house, and I am his Grandmother, and if my grandson wants his dessert in a bowl he can have it in a bowl." The whole room went silent as Grandma transferred the dessert to the bowl.

I wish my wife had stood up for herself, but old patterns are often hard to break. I also wish I had stood up for my wife and my son. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to say, I reverted to silence (this was before I read Crucial Conversations). This behavior is not a pattern for my mother-in-law, so I am not sure if this is worthy of a crucial conversation. She can be strong in her suggestions but rarely as forceful as she was on that day.

Would it have been appropriate to have a crucial conversation with my
Mother-in-law at the moment of her behavior, to reverse her directive back to my wife's? If so, can you give some suggestions?

Thank you!!!

Signed,

A frustrated son-in-law

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Answer by Al Switzler, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Frustrated,

The key question here is one that haunts many of us: “To speak or not to speak?” In Crucial Confrontations, we devote a chapter to this question. The chapter is entitled “Choose WHAT and IF: How to Know What Crucial Confrontation to Hold and If You Should Hold It.”

The steps we teach about knowing WHAT to confront can be summarized quickly. Masters of these skills get the issue clear in their minds by “unbundling” it--they determine if the issue is one of Content, Pattern, or Relationship. Content deals with the specific or original problem. Pattern is the reoccurrence. And Relationship deals with factors such as trust or respect. Figure out which of these is the real issue here.

The question is not only *what* you should confront, but *if* you should confront and *whom* you should confront. There are several people in this situation you could consider.

The person you focused on primarily was your mother-in-law. You mentioned that the issue with the ice cream was not a pattern. However, you also mention that you wish your wife would stand up for herself. That suggests a pattern. Does your mother-in-law intrude, interrupt, or dominate in ways that are a pattern--regardless of the content? Do you need to talk to her?

We offer a few questions that can help you decide if you should speak up: Is your conscience nagging you? Is that little voice in your head frequently whispering--or yelling--“There it is again! That is so unfair! Doesn’t she realize what she’s doing?” Next question is, are you acting it out? Do you talk about your mother-in-law when she’s not there? Do you withdraw or avoid her? Have you ever seen her name on the caller ID and not answered it while at the same time laughing like some fiend in an old movie? Okay, I’m exaggerating for effect, but you get the point. If you are answering yes to any of these questions, you should probably speak to her.

Next is your wife. Maybe you shouldn’t speak up to your mother-in-law. Maybe you should coach your wife. Does she complain about her mother’s behaviors or actions regularly? Does she “bite her lip”? You could coach your wife about speaking up. You could help her unbundle the issue and decide whether to talk about Content, Pattern, or Relationship. If what has you concerned is her not speaking up, talk to her.

Third is your son. He possibly also has a pattern of behaviors that is of concern. He’s just four, but that’s old enough. You can have a talk with him. How would you do that? You would use the same skills that you would use with your mother-in-law or your wife. Use all the skills that help you deal with what’s crucial. Make it safe--keep it private and don’t go into the talk having pre-judged or being emotional. Start with the facts: “I’ve observed this…” “this is what I expect…” and end with a question: “Can we talk about this?”

Remember that if you don’t talk it out you act it out. There are many ways to deal with these issues. You can balance candor with courtesy. You can build safety and have honesty. There are learnable skills that can help all of us improve to address the issues that matter most in our lives.

Best wishes,

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For more on deciding whether to confront an issue, please see Chapter 1 (Choose What and If) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

Crucial Conversations:
- March 24, Washington DC

Crucial Confrontations:
- March 23, Baltimore, MD

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- March 22, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- March 29-30, Des Moines, IA*
- April 5-6, Irvine, CA*
- April 5-6, SF Bay Area, CA*
- May 10-11, Baltimore, MD*
- May 10-11, Troy, MI *
- May 10-11, SF Bay Area, CA
- May 10-11, Greenwood Village, CO *
- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT *

Crucial Confrontations:

- April 5-6, Research Triangle Park, NC*
- April 5-6, Greenwood Village, CO*
- April 19-20, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- April 26-27, Washington, DC*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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