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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
March 9, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 10
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Turn Worries into Words: Get the Quality Healthcare You Deserve
3. New Survey: "Relationships with Your Parents"
4. Q&A: My Colleague Thinks I’m an Idiot
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“Men are respectable only as they respect.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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2. Turn Worries into Words: Get the Quality Healthcare You Deserve
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Although reducing medical errors is the goal of healthcare professionals worldwide, are you as a patient causing or contributing to these mistakes by not talking to your healthcare provider when it matters most?
In support of National Patient Safety Awareness Week (March 6-12, 2005), check out the results from our newest study. Research shows that patients who speak up get better healthcare results. And yet the study found that fewer than half of us speak up at the moment it could have made the greatest difference.
Change your approach today by visiting www.silencekills.com for the following useful tools:
* Brochure: “Turn Worries into Words: Five Tips to Make Sure You Get the Best Healthcare”--visit www.silencekills.com
* Forum: Discuss your toughest healthcare issues with peers and communication experts--visit www.silencekills.com/forum
* Patient Survey Results: New survey reveals most patients are uncomfortable confronting medical personnel--visit www.silencekills.com

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3. New Survey: "Relationships with Your Parents"
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Mother's Day and Father's Day are quickly approaching. Research shows the quality of your relationship with your parents predicts your physical and emotional health . . . even how long you live! How good is your relationship with Mom or Dad? Take our latest brief survey, "Relationships with Your Parents," by clicking the link below.
http://www.keysurvey.com/survey/56187/17f5/

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4. Q&A: My Colleague Thinks I’m an Idiot
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Dear Crucial Skills:

How do I approach someone who seems to think I’m an idiot?

I am the Director of Finance in my organization. I am a CPA. One of my functions is to count votes at our Board meetings. It’s a little more complicated than counting hands--but not much.

The other day, our Executive Director placed in my box a “cheat sheet” of how to count votes. I’ve been doing this for two years so I find her giving me this sheet very rude, demoralizing, and demeaning. This is just an example. She does these sorts of things fairly often. How can I get her to stop?

Sincerely,

I Can Count

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear I Can Count,

I’m pretty torn reading your note. On the one hand I’d feel exactly as you do if someone gave me arithmetic tips after two years of working together. It’s kind of like getting a box of Tic Tacs from your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day--it’s gotta mean something, hasn’t it? On the other hand, I know in my heart that the biggest challenge you’ll face talking to your executive director is the story you’re telling yourself about her actions. You’ve decided it is “rude, demoralizing, and demeaning.” And, to be honest, that’s your problem not hers. To the degree you take offense, you’ll have a very difficult time building safety for your executive director when you have your crucial conversation.

So Master Your Story by asking, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” Some possibilities might include:

* She believes I made a mistake recently and she concluded (incorrectly) it was because I didn’t understand the counting policy. This is her way of coaching me without putting me on the spot. How polite!

* She didn’t understand the policy herself. She recently figured it out, wrote a note for her own use and offered me a copy since it fits my responsibilities.

* Or (given that this behavior seems to show up in other ways, too) she tends to be very critical of things in general and doesn’t realize how she comes across as a result.

Your first challenge is to separate how you see her from how you see her behavior. When you feel a sense of regard and civility toward her--and less insulted and victimized by her--you’re ready to talk. How then, do you bring it up? Here are four tips:

1. Start with Safety

Show respect by giving her the benefit of the doubt: “If it’s okay, I’d like to check something out with you. Some things you’ve done now and again have caught me off guard and I’m not sure what you meant by them--could I invite your feedback?”

2. Share the Facts

Describe factually what happened. Don’t add your judgments or accusations. For example, don’t say, “You seem to think I don’t know how to count board votes.” Rather, say, “You put this note about vote-counting in my box.” Add any other relevant experiences as well that help paint the picture you’re trying to lay out.

3. Tentatively Share Your Concern

Again, if you’ve “Mastered Your Story” you’ll be able to do this well. If you still feel hurt and insulted, you won’t. Here’s how it should sound: “After these three experiences, I’m beginning to wonder if you’ve got concerns with my competence.”

4. Invite Dialogue

Now, open yourself up to feedback. Sincerely invite her views and she’ll be much more open to then hearing yours: “I realize I could be taking this wrong. But if there’s feedback I need to get--I’m hungry for it. Or, if you’re just trying to help, I’d like to share some of my views about things that are and aren’t helpful. How do you see things?”

I hope this is useful and wish you the best in this crucial conversation.

Best regards,

Joseph

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To help you prepare for this type of crucial conversation, read Chapter 6 (Master My Stories) and Chapter 8 (STATE My Path) in “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

Crucial Confrontations:
- March 11, Walnut (Southern California), CA

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- March 22, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- March 15-16, Westerville (Columbus), OH*
- March 15-16, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX *
- March 29-30, Des Moines, IA*
- April 5-6, Irvine, CA*
- April 5-6, SF Bay Area, CA*
- May 10-11, Baltimore, MD*
- May 10-11, Troy, MI *
- May 10-11, SF Bay Area, CA
- May 10-11, Greenwood Village, CO *
- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT *

Crucial Confrontations:

- April 5-6, Research Triangle Park, NC*
- April 5-6, Greenwood Village, CO*
- April 19-20, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- April 26-27, Washington, DC*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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