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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
March 2, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 9
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Crucial Confrontations Training Now Available!
3. Q&A: Too Much Information
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
- M. Scott Peck
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2. Crucial Confrontations Training Now Available!
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Based on the New York Times bestselling book, the new Crucial Confrontations training provides core management skills for achieving individual, team, and organizational excellence through improved accountability, performance, and execution.

When you attend Crucial Confrontations training you'll learn a step-by-step approach for dealing with motivation and ability issues, solving problems, confronting and managing performance gaps, and ultimately, achieving much greater personal and organizational success.

When you learn and apply Crucial Confrontations skills you will find that improved results and stronger relationships aren’t far behind.

Start changing your world today!

For In-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative.
For information on available open enrollment courses, see ‘Where Can I Learn More’ below or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

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3. Q&A: Too Much Information
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Dear Authors,

I work as an RN and Clinic Coordinator in an Occupational Health clinic. Recently, we had a terroristic threat from a patient and the security guards were called to stand by while the patient had his office visit.

While he was standing by, one security guard and I discovered that he’d worked with my father on our local police force forty-two years ago. When he found out who I was, the security guard started recounting--in front of my clinic staff--how terrible my father was for leaving my mom, my sister, and me (he fooled around on my Mom while they were married so she divorced him), that they thought he was not "right in the head," and that he had a problem running away from responsibility.

While I agree with him on all counts, I was pretty stunned that he kept on with all of this in front of two of my medical assistants and am wondering how best to deal with this. We will need to rely on his presence for future visits with this abusive patient, so I don't want to alienate him. But he needs to hear how that affected me-–my staff was very embarrassed also. How do I approach this type of conversation?

Signed,

Too Much Information

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Answer by Al Switzler, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Too Much:

As I read this question, I kept looking for the theme or themes that would represent typical concerns that many people face. There is good news here. I think everyone has had experiences of this sort. What do you do when someone acts in ways that embarrass you and others in public? It could be that someone shares facts about your past that shouldn’t be shared in public, uses language that is sexist or racist, tells an offensive joke or story, or tells a story about him- or herself that is indelicate or too revealing.

I’ll address this issue by working through some of the principles we teach in “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

The first principle is to Choose WHAT and IF. To help you choose what issue to talk about, we teach the acronym CPR: Content, Pattern, and Relationship. The issue at hand here is not a pattern--it’s the first time this has occurred. It has not become a relationship issue at this point. This is good news--you’re facing a content issue, so you should only talk about this particular incident. The next step is to determine IF you should speak up. Very often, if you don’t speak up you will act out your feelings by gossiping, frowning, showing angst, withdrawing, etc. It sounds like it would be hard to not act out these feelings, so choose to speak up.

Once you’ve clarified the issue and chosen to speak up, you need to move to the next step: Master My Stories. You want to avoid oversimplifying or vilifying. Ask yourself: “Why might a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Could it be that he was not aware of what he was doing? Have I ever been oblivious to something I did? Have I ever worn a bit of lunch in my front teeth for half a day and not realized it? Could there be reasons that I’m not aware of?” There are two upsides to giving him the benefit of the doubt: 1) you don’t get all upset and angry and 2) you don’t rush in with accusations and emotions--the most common problem that people succumb to in beginning a crucial confrontation.

If you have a clear issue to discuss and your emotions and stories are in control, move the next step: Describe the Gap.

A gap is the difference between what you expected and what you observed. Clearly you don’t expect someone to talk in public the way this person did, so you are ready to open your mouth and talk to him. What do you need to remember?

First, if you haven’t prejudged him and chosen to be angry, then you have made it safe because your facial expressions, tone of voice, and words send the message, “I have an observation and a question, not an accusation and a guilt trip waiting for you.”

Second find a time and private place to talk that is convenient and safe. Then describe the gap. It might sound something like this. “Last week when you came to our clinic you recounted details about my father and personal life in front of the staff. I believe that details like that should be discussed in private. I was surprised and embarrassed that those details were shared so publicly. Can we talk about this?”

When you get off on the right foot, there is enough safety and clarity and good intention that the confrontations tend to go well.

So here’s the good news. It’s a clear, one-time issue that you can typically solve by bringing it up in safe environment. By not letting it become a pattern that affects your relationship, you will most likely maintain a good working relationship with this man and he will more than likely not repeat a behavior that he was not aware of or that he didn’t realize was so impactful.

Best wishes,

Al
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For more information on stepping up to a crucial confrontation, see Chapter 1 (Choose WHAT and IF), Chapter 2 (Master My Stories), and Chapter 3 (Describe the Gap) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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4. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

Crucial Confrontations:
- March 11, Walnut, CA

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- March 22, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- March 8-9, Beverly Hills (Detroit), MI*
- March 15-16, Westerville (Columbus), OH*
- March 15-16, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX *
- March 29-30, Des Moines, IA*
- April 5-6, Irvine, CA*
- April 5-6, SF Bay Area, CA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- March 8-9, Palo Alto, CA*
- March 8-9, Salt Lake City, UT*
- April 5-6, Raleigh, NC*
- April 5-6, Greenwood Village, CO*
- April 19-20, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- April 26-27, Washington, DC*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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