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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
June 24, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 24
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Free Resources
3. Q&A: The Ghost of Bosses Past
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”

- Henry David Thoreau

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2. Free Resources
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If you’re not already using our online Free Resources, look them up at www.crucialconversations.com/FreeResources.

These resources are intended to help individuals, couples, colleagues, and teams develop their dialogue skills and improve their crucial conversations--for free! Use the video examples, rehearsals, discussion guide, and more to help you learn the concepts and practice the skills taught in “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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3. Q&A: The Ghost of Bosses Past
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What do you do when the people who report to you seem uncomfortable in your presence?

I do my best to create an open atmosphere and yet people seem guarded. There is a lot of fake smiling and handshaking going on. Worst of all, I’m suspicious that the people who work for me aren’t sharing their honest views. Sometimes I get the feeling that they’re telling me what they think I want to hear. And yet, I can’t figure out what I’ve done to create this unhealthy tension.

Sincerely,

Nonplused in Nantucket

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Nonplused,

This is a hard one to deal with from a distance but let me give it a shot. When there is a power difference—and you’re the one in the seat of power—that alone could be causing the problem. Despite the fact that you may have been on your best behavior, there are some people who are never comfortable with a boss—any boss.

Like it or not, you may be living with the “Ghost of Bosses Past.” Employees are living with the frightening memories of previous leaders who behaved in less than professional ways, so your own direct reports can’t get comfortable with you—fearing that honesty or letting down their guard will only cause problems. No matter how you choose to act, others are nervously waiting for the “other shoe to drop.”

As a consultant, I see this problem all the time. I watch an interaction between boss and subordinate. The boss is easy-going, engaging, and involving, and yet people seem uncomfortable or tense. At first I conclude that the boss is putting on an act for my benefit, and the seemingly incongruous tension is the product of previous encounters. And this can be the case. But sometimes (more often than you might imagine) I learn that the leader is always highly professional and can’t seem to overcome the actions of leaders who came before him or her.

When you’re living with ghosts, the people who work with you are not only unnecessarily nervous, but they also tend to only tell you what they think you want to hear. They defer or “kiss up” to you and this can be both annoying and costly. How do you know what’s right when the experts who report to you only feed you what they think you want to hear?

When you face hard-to-understand tension and come to believe that others are not only uptight but also deferring to you out of excessive respect for authority or even fear of past behavior, you have to first go public with the issue. Express your concerns and ask people to relax, open up, and state their honest opinions and feelings. Explain that you’re finding it difficult to make effective decisions as long as others aren’t sharing their honest views. You want to empower the people who work with you to speak their minds, particularly when they differ in opinion. The best ideas are born out of honest dialogue, where people express their frank views and jointly come to the best conclusions.

Now, asking for honest dialogue when people are already fearful of bosses may not be enough. Your direct reports may snap to mental attention and respond with: Whatever you say Boss!” I’ve seen this happen too. Asking frightened people to open up is akin to shouting “Relax!” or “Be spontaneous!” The request itself kills what you’re requesting. When you (the boss) ask people to “open up” you just might confirm others’ suspicions that you’re in charge and that they need to worry in your presence.

What’s a person to do when a direct approach may not be sufficient? Add to your request for candor the following strategies. Encourage others to disagree with an idea you’ve presented. “Okay, I think I’ve spent enough time explaining why we might want to change vendors, now let’s examine the other side. Why might this be a bad idea?” In a similar vein, call on someone to disagree. “Chris, do me a favor and play devil’s advocate. What could be wrong with the conclusion I’ve just drawn?” Model the behavior yourself. “I tell you what. I think I’ve given enough data on why we should change policies, now let me give the opposite view a turn.” Each of these strategies helps people realize that you’re looking to uncover the truth. You want to hear everything. You value differing opinions. It’s not just okay to express your views, it’s necessary and helpful.

When people do begin to open up and speak candidly, particularly if what they have to say goes counter to current thought or may even be unpopular, thank them for their candor. Watch as people begin to take risks and then bend over backward to reward them for what they found so hard to do. Express your thanks. You don’t have to agree, but let others know that you appreciate their willingness to speak honestly.

Finally, see if there is something you’re doing that encourages people to defer to you. You may not realize that you yourself are encouraging deference in subtle ways. For instance, you ask for feedback, but quietly flinch when someone finally says something. If you’re sending mixed messages, people heed your nonverbals more than your actual words, and they don’t feel safe expressing their opinions.

To find out what role, if any, you’re playing, ask a friend who sees you in action to give you candid feedback. Are you part of the problem? You may learn that your only problem is “ghosts”—that you’re as good as you think. But then again, you may learn that despite your best intentions, you’re doing things that encourage fear.

One final hint: if the friend you ask to give you honest feedback starts to stammer or break into a sweat, take it from me, you’re a big part of the problem.

Good luck,

Kerry Patterson

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Learn more about how inviting others to speak their minds by reviewing Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) and Chapter 8 (Explore Others’ Paths) in “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Webinars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free online seminar (Webinar) as follows:

- July 13, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Aug 10, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- July 20-21, Troy, MI*
- July 20-21, Silicon Valley, CA*
- July 27-28, Columbus, OH*
- August 3-4, Denver, CO*
- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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