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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
June 3, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 21
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Whitepaper report: “Silence Kills”
3. Q&A: Off the Hook
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"A good listener tries to understand thoroughly what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but before he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with."

- Kenneth A. Wells

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2. Whitepaper report: “Silence Kills”
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Where were you February 1, 2003? Do you remember turning on the television or radio to learn of the tragic death of seven astronauts due to the explosion of the Space Shuttle Columbia upon re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere? “What caused this disaster?” was the question on everyone’s mind. The answer is frighteningly simple--silence.

Joseph Grenny, President and COO of VitalSmarts (R), explains in his white paper “Silence Kills” how this disaster, as well as the most notable scandals and corporate failures of our time, could have been avoided if people who knew something was wrong had only said something. In this brief, six-page article, Mr. Grenny asserts, “The inability to handle crucial conversations well or at all is the common thread in organizational failures today.”

Visit http://vitalsmarts.com/AboutUs/PressRoom/WhitePapers.aspx to download your free copy of this insightful document and learn why “Those organizations that succeed in holding crucial conversations and holding them well will not only find that they can generally avoid failure, but that they will also reap enormous boosts in performance.”

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3. Q&A: Off the Hook
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My husband and I have a communication problem...he doesn't know how to use a phone. Really--he refuses to call me or answer my calls when his plans change. After work, he will indulge in a cocktail and become "involved in conversation" which leads him to "lose track of time.” This creates hostility between us--especially when I am depending on him to pick up our daughter or simply be home at a normal time. We have discussed this from both views--I ask how he would feel if he was depending on me to perform a specific task and I casually showed up some 4-12 hours late. (Yes, 12 hours--or more!)

The problem is that I feel I am taking second place or lower to what is most important to him. He answers calls from his friends/coworkers, but not from me. (I caught him talking on his cell IN THE SHOWER to them one day!!)

I am disturbed by his lack of respect and courtesy. He, of course, says he has a lot of respect for me, but I am not seeing any. Any suggestions??

Signed,
Hung Up

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Answer by Al Switzler, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Hung Up,

As I receive questions like yours I am touched; the frustration and the desire to improve things are very clear. Based only on the facts you’ve provided, I offer the following advice that I hope you and others may find useful.

The first issue is finding the right conversation to hold. In your note, you clearly cover all three categories of possible conversations: Content, Pattern, and Relationship. “Content” is the immediate issue--failing to call, losing track of time, not picking up your daughter, or not coming home on time. “Pattern” is the recurrence of any of these a second or third time. “Relationship” deals with how this issue is affecting your trust and your feelings of being respected.

Any of these conversations is an option, but it seems that given the nature of the issues, “relationship” is the place to start . . . courtesy and respect.

Before you speak, you need to get your motives right by asking what you really want for your husband, for yourself, and for the relationship. When you really want to share and understand and help improve the relationship rather than badger, make him feel guilty, or vent, the conversation is more likely to be productive because your good intentions will be clear. You should also know what you’d like to see him commit to and what you’ll ask to make sure you get his perspective. Then you are ready to begin. Here’s how a script might go, with some annotation:

“I’d like to talk to you about how we are doing as a couple. Would that be okay?” (permission statement)

“I don’t want to either or us to argue or get defensive. I’d like to share what I see, and hear what you see, because I’d like our relationship to get better.” (A skill called "Contrasting")

“During the last couple of weeks you have forgotten to pick up our daughter on two occasions, and you’ve come home several times after 6:30 when you said you’d be home shortly after 4:30. I’m beginning to feel that I can’t trust you to keep your word. It makes me feel like you don’t respect me. I don’t want to feel that way. Can we talk about this? How do you see it?” ("STATE"--another Crucial Conversations skill)

In this particular case, you should be ready to move to action by documenting who does what by when, and agreeing on how you’ll follow up. This may seem extreme in a marriage relationship, but increasing the odds of keeping commitments begins with clear expectations about specific behaviors both of you will work on. Clear expectations will ensure that both of you are working together to make progress.

Best wishes

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Review the skills that help in this kind of situation by digging into Chapter 7 (STATE My Path) and Chapter 9 (Move to Action) of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High."

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Webinars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free online seminar (Webinar) as follows:

- June 8, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- July 13, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Aug 10, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- June 15-16, Washington, D.C.*
- June 22-23, Chicago, IL*
- July 20-21, Troy, MI*
- July 20-21, Silicon Valley, CA*
- July 27-28, Columbus, OH*
- August 3-4, Denver, CO*
- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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