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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
June 1, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 21
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Live Interview with Coauthor Kerry Patterson
4. Q&A: Dealing with the Unreasonable and Irrational
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“Never ascribe to an opponent motives meaner than your own.”

– J. M. Barrie

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2. Tip of the Week
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Work on Me First

Aldous Huxley said, “There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”

When people purchase communication books or training, they’re often shopping for someone else: “Hey, buddy. I bought you a present. Read this--especially the underlined parts.” In truth, we could all use some work. Besides, when it comes to improving our interpersonal skills, we can only work on ourselves anyway. The good news is that even when you focus only on improving your own responses and reactions, you will have the power to improve both your results and your relationships.

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3. Live Interview with Coauthor Kerry Patterson
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Don't miss Kerry Patterson LIVE on the “Business and Beyond with Will Matthews” Internet radio show.

You’ll get to hear the latest from Kerry and pick up ideas that will make you more successful and more effective right now!

When: Monday, June 20th, 2005

Time: 9:00AM Pacific, 10:00AM Mountain, 11:00AM Central, 12 noon Eastern (US)

Where: Go to www.healthylife.net and click the “Listen Live” button in the upper right corner to listen in.

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4. Q&A: Dealing with the Unreasonable and Irrational
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Dear Authors,

What if you are not dealing with a reasonable, rational, and decent person? Is this possible or do you genuinely believe that each person with whom we interact fits this description?

I look forward to your comments.

All the best,

Skeptical

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Answer by Ron McMillan, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Skeptical,

The “fundamental attribution error” is the automatic assumption we often make that the other person’s motives are bad. This can happen when someone says or does something we think is harmful or threatening. We immediately attribute bad motive--we tell a villain story: “they are evil or selfish; they do bad things because they enjoy it.”

To keep from making the fundamental attribution error, we recommend challenging your story with questions. One such question is “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?”

Posing the question is NOT making an assumption that all people are reasonable, rational, and decent; rather, posing the question IS an effort to consider other possibilities. This question helps us explore other assumptions and not automatically assume that the worst story we can come up with is the only one we should consider. When we replace our certainty that the other person is bad and wrong with the recognition that we don’t know why the person did what he or she did, our emotion changes from anger and frustration to curiosity and maybe even concern.

Now, instead of being pushed by our anger into silence or violence, we’re much more likely, in a condition of curiosity, to ask questions and engage in dialogue. As we talk over the problem and gather more information, we’re in a better position to ascertain the other person’s motive and intent. If we find out that our initial impulse was mistaken (the other person’s motives are not hurtful), we’re in a good position to solve problems together. However, if we discover that their motives are hurtful toward us, perhaps they’re political or personal, instead of being trapped in a fight-or-flight reflex with our brain turned off by hot emotion, our mind is active and engaged and we’re in a better position to decide what to do about this potential enemy. All options ranging from ending the relationship and disengaging to escalating the problem up the chain of command are available to us.

Mastering your stories is NOT a positive mental attitude technique that assumes that everyone’s motives are good. It IS a set of skills that keep us from assuming that all people’s motives are bad and hurtful. All in all, this increases the probability of us getting what we really want.

Best Wishes,

Ron

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For tips on working on your own perspective and on avoiding the fundamental attribution error, see Chapter 3 (Start with Heart) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High,” and Chapter 2(Master My Stories) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- June 22, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (custom healthcare seminar)
- June 28, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- July 28, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- June 23, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- July 20, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*
- June 21-22, Cleveland, OH*
- June 21-22, Minneapolis--Bloomington, MN*
- June 21-22, Washington DC--Arlington, VA*
- August 2-3, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD

Crucial Confrontations:

- June 14-15, Irvine, CA*
- June 20-21, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO*
- July 12-13, Baltimore, MD*
- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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