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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
July 27, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 29
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest: Your Worst “Talking Hi-Tech” Experience
4. Before and After: Being Patient
5. Letters to the Editor: Travel Woes Revisited
6. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

- Nathaniel Branden

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2. Tip of the Week
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Respecting Those You Don’t Respect

Dialogue requires Mutual Respect, but this doesn’t mean you can only maintain dialogue with your buddies or with people you really admire. You can respect even those you mistrust or dislike.

Respect doesn’t require solid friendships . . . but it does call for the ability to see the humanity in others. It means that we see others as worthy of the civility we owe any human being--that no matter what happens in the conversation, we’re not going to violate the other person’s dignity. Period.

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3. Contest: Your Worst “Talking Hi-Tech” Experience
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Have you ever been fired via e-mail? Been dumped via voicemail? Or maybe you have used technology to avoid a confrontation yourself?

We're looking for stories of when you (or someone you know) used hi-tech means to avoid a crucial conversation or confrontation. If you were on the receiving end, how did the hi-tech treatment make you feel? Did it work well or backfire? Would you use technology again to deliver bad, controversial, or emotional news? We want to hear about it!

E-mail your stories to editor@vitalsmarts.com. The winner may get his or her story published in an upcoming Weekly Reminder and receive a free Crucial Conversations Audio CD Companion, as well as a signed copy of one of our bestselling books. Please include your contact information (name, address, e-mail, phone number). All entries become the property of VitalSmarts, LC.

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3. Before and After: Being Patient
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By Phyllis Julian
a reader from Knoxville, TN

BEFORE

A few months ago, I received a frantic call from my husband in the hospital. He had been admitted through the emergency room only two days before, and his doctor was threatening to send him home right away if he continued to argue about potential treatments.

My husband is an award-winning salesman and normally an excellent communicator, so I was fully prepared to fire back at the doctor with both barrels on his behalf, but the ten-minute drive to the hospital gave me time to evaluate what was really happening. I realized I needed to listen to what the doctor had to say--and find out what exactly caused him to reproach my husband. I realized that the doctor had very likely taken offense because he perceived that my husband was “challenging” his medical expertise.

AFTER

When I got there, I could tell from past experience that my husband was having an adverse reaction to medication and was indeed not himself. When the doctor was paged, I was not surprised to see a scowling man in a white lab coat flurry into the room. After expressing appreciation for his extra time, I explained what I saw happening and then rephrased my husband’s questions. My goal was to reopen communication lines by establishing a mutual purpose (my husband's health) and reestablishing dialogue. I assured the doctor we had every confidence in his abilities, and I informed him of the facts about my husband’s reaction. Using contrasting skills, I stressed that we were not refusing treatment or being argumentative, but that we wanted his evaluation of this dilemma before proceeding. After a few moments of silence, the doctor's face softened just a bit. The frustration and anger dissolved and we established a rapport that really made a difference. He determined he could administer a single medication and eliminate the reaction. My husband has since recovered as much as he can from the problems that sent him to the hospital.

Years ago, I would not have handled the situation to such a positive outcome--I didn’t have the skills I do now. Because medical conversations are frequent in our lives, these crucial skills have almost become second nature by necessity. Many patients are afraid to challenge their doctors, when they can and should do so. However, challenging a doctor can be done appropriately, and not abrasively.

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4. Letters to the Editor: Travel Woes Revisited
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We received a lot of feedback on the uncomfortable passenger Q&A--please read on to see what a few of our readers had to say, as well as to read a follow-up response by Joseph Grenny.

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Your response to "Uncomfortable Passenger" was interesting, and a great example of the approach that you teach. I must admit that my first thought was along the lines of: "What did you expect the obese passenger to do with your discomfort? If your leg was sweating, imagine what the obese person was feeling!" Your answer was much gentler, and as I said, better modeled the approach you teach.

The question, however, did bring to mind the apparent belief on the part of some that we should speak up every time we are annoyed, treated badly, put out, inconvenienced, etc. I suspect this is a reflection of the narcissistic generation--it's all about me, and heaven forbid that I should ever be "dis-accommodated" (if that's a word).

I do believe that there are times when silence is exactly the right approach, developing some tolerance for the momentary lapses, and human frailties we encounter. Not every hill is worth taking, nor every battle worth dying for.

Cheers,

Pat

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Re: uncomfortable passenger--your answer was on the money; I believe there have been several cases of passengers successfully suing airlines for the right to be able to fit into their entire seat . . . and some airlines charging extremely obese passengers for two seats. However, it would seem prudent to take the situation up with the flight attendants to have confirmation of your tale of woe (confirmation of the inability to have a 'full' seat experience . . . although airlines' 'full' seats are pretty skimpy in their own right). 'After the fact' complaint will likely produce no more than a letter of regret from the airline...a complaint backed by the flight attendant will probably engender a ticket or discount as well as an offer to pay for cleaning the soaked-by-sweat garment.

RB Karsh, MD

******

Whew......I read the story about sitting next to the obese person on the airline flight, and I'm happy to say that what came to my mind, was, “Yes, the conversation needed to happen with the airlines, not the obese person.” This is a great example of the kinds of stories we need to hear about out here in the real world....Thank you.

I'm not in complete agreement with your discussion about the surly server you talked about in that same e-mail. I think you might have given her a little TOO much credit; sometimes people are just plain jerks, and they need to somehow be confronted about that. Yes, life is hard, work is miserable, etc.; however, your comments seemed to imply that you softened your conversation with her a great deal. Maybe that was an error in my perception. She shouldn’t be let off the hook for her unacceptable service.

Thanks for the chance to comment!
Sincerely,

Lee Lundberg

******

Hi Mr. Grenny,

I really enjoy reading the Crucial Skills Newsletter and I appreciate all of the insight that your group provides. It's helped me several times and for that I would like to thank you.

I am writing because I was disappointed in the response you gave in answering the "Uncomfortable Passenger." I understand and agree with your direction that the airline was at fault and that’s who the Uncomfortable Passenger should direct his or her concern to. But I think you dodged the primary question. The writer asked:

“How could a person address such an issue in a way to gain consideration without embarrassing or angering the other passenger?”

How do you have a conversation with a stranger who is making you uncomfortable because of a personal (and most likely sensitive) problem they have? This could be obesity, bad breath, body odor, rude behavior, etc. You don't want to hurt their feelings or make them uncomfortable. When that problem becomes a real and physical impingement upon your space, your comfort, your well-being, how can you approach that person (making it safe) and achieve a positive result?

Roger T. Boyce

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Response by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Howdy Roger,

I’m glad you find the newsletter useful. It’s always tough shooting in the dark at these questions and in the limited space you’ve got to decide what one or two points you want to make. On occasion I pick a point or two that don’t satisfy some readers. I’m sorry this was one of those times for you!

So, you’re absolutely right. I did not offer a suggestion about how to talk to the passenger. And I’ll be happy to offer a suggestion about how to begin should a person choose to do so.

First, be sure to “Master My Story”--make sure you’re seeing your obese (or smelly or loud or whatever) neighbor as a reasonable, rational, decent person--someone worthy of respect.

Second, “Make It Safe”--open up in a way that shows respect and shows a concern for the needs of the other person. To do so, speak quietly so other passengers do not overhear--otherwise you risk making the person feel embarrassed and put down publicly. Then begin with something like:

“Excuse me. I’m nervous about mentioning this because I don’t want to put you on the spot. But I’m very uncomfortable here because we’re seated pretty tightly together and I don’t have full use of my seat space. I don’t want to create a problem for you but would like to find a way to cope with our limited space for the next two hours . . .”

This kind of respectful and accommodating way of starting almost always leads the other person to want to help.

Part of the reason I appreciated your challenge to my answer is that I travel a lot myself. When I read the original question the constraints I was operating with were: a) it was a full flight--one of us moving is not an option; b) I am in the middle seat; and c) it’s a commuter plane with limited “walking around” room. I concluded that within these constraints there were no options available besides riding it out. That’s why I thought there was no use in talking to the seatmate. My mistake. One of the keys to creative problem solving is to avoid shutting down the possibility of creative solutions too quickly. I did. And I appreciate your correction.

Warmly,

Joseph

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5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- July 28, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- August 24, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 22, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- August 11, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 7, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- August 1-2, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD
- September 13-14, Irvine, CA*
- September 19-20, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- September 20-21, Dallas Ft Worth, TX*

Crucial Confrontations:

- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- September 13-14, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- September 19-20, Phoenix, AZ*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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