::VitalSmarts - Get Newsletter::

==========================================
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
July 14, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 27
==========================================

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Crucial Conversations in Children’s Health Care
3. Q&A: What’s the Problem?
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

------------------------------------------
1. Quote of the Week
------------------------------------------

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

- Richard Moss

-------------------------------------------
2. Crucial Conversations in Children’s Health Care
-------------------------------------------

VitalSmarts has partnered with NACHRI to present one of the authors of “Crucial Conversations” in a free, live, online seminar. Join us in a discussion of the critical and timely topic of crucial conversations in children’s health care. This “webinar” will take place on August 18, from 3-4 p.m. (Eastern).

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Also, check out the dates for our general overview Crucial Conversations webinars on the website or under “Where Can I Learn More?” below.

Learn, ask questions, and enjoy.

------------------------------------------
3. Q&A: What’s the Problem?
------------------------------------------

Dear Crucial Conversations,

What do you do when you don't know for sure what the problem is? All you know is that there is a problem between you and another person and it has never been good from the beginning. It isn't like there is anything major that has happened; it's just that there is tension in the air and neither of you can open up with the other. Every conversation is guarded and there is a lot of fake smiling and handshaking going on.

How can I get past this behavior and figure out what’s going on when the other person doesn’t seem to want to communicate at all?

Signed,

Left Wondering

-------------------------

Answer by Ron McMillan, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Wondering,

The key to unlocking this mystery is the condition called "safety." When I don't feel safe enough with someone to openly express my concerns or check out some of my fears, I start telling myself stories: "I don't think she likes me," or, "I wonder if he's judging me," or, "They think I'm stupid." These are just three of the infinite number of stories, questions, or judgments that I could be telling myself about the other person, or vice versa. These stories create emotions ranging from concern and discomfort to anger and deep frustration. And of course if I don't talk out or check out these stories, I will act them out in perhaps slight and subtle behaviors that could signal to the other person that I'm "guarded" or “uneasy.” This in turn could set off a new round of stories on his or her part that leads to feelings and actions that confirm I was right in suspecting a problem in the first place.

To put an end to this downward spiral, you need to make it safe for the other person to share concerns he or she might have but be afraid to bring up. Do this in the following ways:

1- Start with Heart. Ask yourself what you really want this relationship to be.

2- Master My Stories. Ask yourself why a reasonable, rational, decent person would act the way the other person is acting (Hint: maybe he/she is just acting out his or her stories too). Remind yourself that there may be understandable reasons for the behavior.

3- Begin a crucial conversation at the "relationship level" by asking for permission. For example:
"Hey, Sarah, I wonder if I could talk with you about how we're working together. Would that be alright with you? Is now a good time?"

Then tentatively share your own observations:
"It seems like when you and I get together it feels a bit awkward. I've noticed that I have a hard time feeling relaxed and being completely open. I feel somewhat guarded and I'm not even sure why. Have you felt this too, or is it just me?"

4- You may want to share your "Start with Heart" aspiration:
"I would like us to have a working relationship where we both feel comfortable talking with each other and where we can both be open. What kind of relationship makes most sense to you?"

5- Finally, be sure to be open to hearing the other person’s thoughts. Share your concerns in a tone that says “I sincerely want to resolve this issue and want to hear what it is that may be bothering you.” Don’t accuse. Then, use your best listening skills. Do your best to hear everything he or she may be concerned about.

By approaching the situation in this way, you are exploring a mutual purpose, being respectful, and by so doing are building safety. This does not guarantee that you'll get the outcome you desire, but it dramatically increases the likelihood that the issues will be disclosed and can then be worked out.

Best wishes in all your crucial conversations,

Ron

--------------------

For further information on establishing safety and listening to others’ concerns, read chapters 5 (Make It Safe) and 8 (Explore Others’ Paths) of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

------------------------------------------
4. Send Your Questions
------------------------------------------

Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

-------------------------------------------
5. Where Can I Learn More?
-------------------------------------------

Webinars
-------------------------
Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free online seminar (Webinar) as follows:

- Aug 10, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Aug 18, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Conversations in Children’s Health Care)
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
--------------------------
The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- July 20-21, Troy, MI*
- July 20-21, Santa Clara, CA*
- July 27-28, Columbus, OH*
- August 3-4, Denver, CO*
- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*
- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- September 28-29, New York, NY*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

=================================================================
Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? Send an e-mail to editor@vitalsmarts.com

You are receiving this newsletter because you expressed an interest in receiving updates from Crucial Conversations--either by signing up for the newsletter or by registering on the site and choosing to receive this reminder.

If we have sent this to you in error, or if you wish to remove your name from future communications, please click the link below:
http://www.crucialconversations.com/MembersArea/Unsubscribe.asp?MailServiceName=Reminders

If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list, have them visit www.crucialconversations.com where they can sign up to receive information and access free resources.