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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
July 9, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 26
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Practice Makes Perfect
3. Q&A: Dealing with Criticism
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."

- Marcus Aurelius

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2. Practice Makes Perfect
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To help transform ideas into action, try out the free role play rehearsals found at www.crucialconversations.com/FreeResources. Each is designed to help you practice a skill taught in Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. Instead of simply thinking about or maybe even talking about what to do, invite a coworker, friend, or family member to work with you in actually practicing the skills.

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3. Q&A: Dealing with Criticism
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Dear Crucial Conversations,

I'd like some help on receiving criticism. My problem is that there is one executive in my organization who finds fault with my work and I find myself immediately on the defensive. I am intimidated by her confrontational style. I do not report to her, but she has taken several opportunities to critique my performance. Sometimes I would like to say "don't shoot the messenger," "I didn't create the timeline," or "it's not my fault that your VP doesn't share information with you," but I also want to learn to buck it up.

Any ideas on how not to turn into the Tasmanian Devil or the Doe in the Headlights?

Thanks,

Ready to throw in the towel

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Ready,

Thanks for your thoughtful question. You’re obviously tortured with a problem many of us face and, like you, most of us wonder how much of the problem we ourselves are causing versus how much is due to the other person’s style. It’s hard to be objective when you’re in the middle of the issue and up to your neck in criticism to boot.

Let me go out on a limb here. From the way you’ve phrased the issue, my guess is that the other person is largely responsible for your negative feelings. Your willingness to learn as well as your tentative tone suggest to me that you’ve bent over backward to ensure that you aren’t acting defensive or hostile. Nobody’s perfect, but let’s assume for the purposes of this response that you’re pretty close. The other person actually acts in ways that lead you to suggest that she is “confrontive” and “intimidating.” (If you have a close confidant who watches the two of you interact, he or she will be able to give you a more objective viewpoint.)

When it comes to dealing with the other person, you have three choices: You can cope--that is, say nothing about the problem and legitimately let it go; you can carp--complain endlessly to friends and family but never really do anything; or you can confront the issue--step up to it and deal with it honestly and professionally. You don’t seem like a complainer and I think you’re tired of coping, so let’s take a look at a couple of issues you may want to address as you talk to the other person.

First, do you want to set up a meeting and talk about the overall pattern, or do you wait for something to happen again and then deal with the single instance? The more direct approach is to deal with the pattern, but it’s also riskier. If you say it’s been building for a while or been happening a lot, it raises the stakes. If the person is in a position of power, I’d probably deal with the next instance.

Second, what are the other person’s actual behaviors--those that have you bugged? You concluded that she is confrontational and intimidating. That tells me what you think, but not what she actually does. You probably shared these conclusions because such emotional terms make up sort of a social shorthand, but you’ll have to describe the actual behaviors to the other person if you expect her to know what she’s currently doing versus what you’d like her to do. The rule here is that the other person should immediately know what he or she is doing. You focus on behavior, not conclusions. Don’t describe more than a couple of behaviors that you’d like to see change. Anything more will feel like you’re piling it on. Once you’ve started the conversation and have the other person’s undivided attention, fight your desire to dump all your grievances out at once.

Third, with a person in a position of authority, you may want to ask for permission to hold a discussion where you’re giving her feedback. (It’s not exactly in your job description.) To do so, make it safe by sharing common ground. “I wonder if we could talk about something that I think would help us work together better.”

Fourth, you’ll want to find a way to soften the blow by using carefully chosen words. One of your biggest tools for doing this lies in your ability to separate intentions from outcome. This sounds something like this: “I’m don’t think you’re intending this, but on several occasions it’s felt to me as if you’re critiquing me for simply following orders or doing my best to follow a policy. You suggested that my plan was ‘stupid,’ when it wasn’t even my plan.” Note how different this sounds from: “Hey, I was just following orders!” or “Don’t shoot the messenger!” Both expressions contain a lot of hidden, unhealthy meaning. Instead try: “This is sort of hard for me. I’m doing my best to pass on what I’ve been told and I can see that it’s causing people grief. I’m wondering what I can do to ensure that the message gets heard without causing such a stir.”

When you legitimately seek feedback as opposed to giving others unsolicited feedback, it turns the tables. Instead of making others defensive (“What, I can’t have an opinion?!”) it helps them see the effects of their behavior without you sharing ugly conclusions or even bringing their behavior into question. More often than not, when you point out the spot they’re putting you in, others reflect on what they’ve just done and you can move to a healthier discussion of what you’d prefer to see in the future.

This tentative approach doesn’t mean that you should never talk about what others are doing, that’s why I suggested that you need to identify the other person’s behaviors. Eventually you may want to do just that. However, if the stakes are high, your power base is low, and you want to broach the issue with the least amount of risk, start with you, not the other person. Then transition to the full interaction, including exactly what the other person has said and done.

In any case, think out what you want to do and say, practice the interaction in your mind, pick your moment, and good luck with your crucial conversation.

Kerry Patterson

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For further information on establishing safety and sharing your concerns in a way that maintains safety, read chapters 5 (Make It Safe) and 7 (STATE My Path) of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Webinars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free online seminar (Webinar) as follows:

- July 13, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Aug 10, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- July 20-21, Troy, MI*
- July 20-21, Santa Clara, CA*
- July 27-28, Columbus, OH*
- August 3-4, Denver, CO*
- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*
- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- September 28-29, New York, NY*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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