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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
February 9, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 6
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Crucial Confrontations in the Running for Top Business Book of 2004
3. FREE “Crucial Conversations” Microsoft® Live Seminar
4. Q&A: The Silent Minority
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

- Martin Luther King Jr.

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2. Crucial Confrontations in the Running for Top Business Book of 2004
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- Cast Your Vote Today -

“Crucial Confrontations” has been nominated for the Best Business Book of 2004 from Soundview Executive Book Summaries. The editors nominated seven titles from among their 30 best books of last year.

If you’d like to participate, please review the candidates and cast your vote today at http://www.summary.com/bestbook

We value your opinion and support!

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3. FREE “Crucial Conversations” Microsoft® Live Seminar
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“Tools for Handling Life’s Crucial Conversations”--a FREE Microsoft Live Seminar

February 10, 2005
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM Eastern Time (US & Canada)

Speaker: Joseph Grenny, President of VitalSmarts and Coauthor of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High”

Learn How to Increase Your Influence and Accelerate Your Career.

If you feel stuck--in a relationship, in your career, at home, wherever--chances are there's a crucial conversation that's keeping you there. New York Times bestselling author Joseph Grenny introduces you to the principles you need to handle crucial conversations--principles that, if practiced, will yield major improvements in areas like productivity, quality, safety, change management, and personal relationships.

For more information and to enroll in this FREE Microsoft Live Seminar, please visit www.placeware.com/go/seminare2631

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4. Q&A: The Silent Minority
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Dear Authors,

How do you confront someone’s wrong behavior when nobody else has ever brought it up? To make matters worse, how to you bring it up when the person has been continually promoted in spite of this behavior? How could you convince someone to change when they’ve been rewarded for years in spite of what they’re doing?

Signed,

All Alone

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear All Alone,

Yuck! It’s never fun to feel like you have to pay for generations of neglect by those who should have been better leaders. And yet, that’s life, isn’t it? Our research suggests that 10 percent of people in most companies are having the crucial confrontations for the other 90 percent. The good news is that by having them, you are also benefiting yourself!

Here are three thoughts to consider when dealing with someone no one else has confronted.

1. “Is It Just Me?”

Before stepping up to the crucial confrontation, be sure to use the “Choose If” skill. Ask yourself whether you are the only one who seems concerned about the person’s behavior. If you are, then perhaps you have unrealistic or idiosyncratic expectations. And you just need to change your expectations. If, on the other hand, others are clearly concerned--as expressed in gossip, unexplained transfers of the problem person, etc.--then you’ve got a real issue here. Perhaps you should confront it.

2. Master Your Story

This is a tricky one. Often you find yourself feeling incensed at this person’s horrific behavior and just wish you could unload all your frustration on him or her for this long-term inconsideration. If you feel this way, slow down a bit. You need to realize that this is not someone who is intentionally acting up and enjoying every minute of a free ride. Other people are as responsible for this person’s misbehavior or performance as the person is. They have enabled it for years and this person may honestly believe he or she is doing just fine. Change your story by acknowledging some of the social influences that have brought you to this situation--and you’ll feel a bit more respectful of the person you’re about to confront. For example, an African American manager we know of confronted a colleague about racist behavior very respectfully because she realized this was behavior other colleagues had allowed to go on for fifteen years. This made her more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until she gave him a chance to change.

3. Be Aware of the Story this Person May Tell about YOU

Most of us don’t want to believe we have a problem. We’ll do anything to make the bearer of bad news out to be the real problem rather than revise our view of ourselves. In the circumstances you’ve outlined, you’re especially vulnerable because you appear to disagree with everyone else in the company! When you share this negative feedback, avoid becoming the “villain” by doing two things:

a) Make it especially safe. Express respect and share your positive intentions thoroughly.

b) Don’t bear the burden of history. Start in the present. If you confront the whole historical set of problems and violations, you’ll almost inevitably end up the villain. And you’ll take more responsibility than you need to. Instead start in the present. Confront the “content” issue first--an immediate example of the behavior concerning you. See if you can come to agreement about the consequences of this behavior and its impropriety. If so, you’ve made progress. If future violations occur, you can move to the pattern and relationship confrontations later.

I admire you for raising the concern and wish you the best as you become the first true friend this person has had in years in your organization.

Warm regards,

Joseph

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For more information on deciding whether to bring up an issue and on changing your story by acknowledging all possible sources of influence, see Chapter 1 (Choose What and If) and Chapter 2 (Master My Stories) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

Crucial Confrontations:
- March 11, Walnut, CA

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- February 15, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

- March 22, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- February 15-16, Greenwood Village, CO*
- February 22-23, Arlington, VA*
- March 1-2, Seattle, WA*
- March 8-9, Beverly Hills, MI*
- March 15-16, Columbus, OH*
- March 15-16, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX *
- April 5-6, Southern CA*
- April 5-6, SF Bay Area, CA*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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