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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
February 2, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 5
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. VitalSmarts Releases National Healthcare Study Results
3. FREE “Crucial Conversations” Microsoft® Live Seminar
4. Q&A: The Silent Spouse
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.”

- Wilson Mizner

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2. VitalSmarts Releases National Healthcare Study Results
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VitalSmarts and The American Association of Critical-Care Nurses released findings from a study in a national briefing in Washington, D.C. on January 26. According to the findings, the prevalent culture of poor communication and collaboration among health professionals relates significantly to continued medical errors and staff turnover.

The study included more than 1,700 nurses, physicians, clinical-care staff, and administrators, and found that fewer than 10 percent address behavior by colleagues that routinely includes trouble following directions, poor clinical judgment, or dangerous shortcuts.

To read the full release and view the original Webcast, go to www.silencekills.com

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3. FREE “Crucial Conversations” Microsoft® Live Seminar
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“Tools for Handling Life’s Crucial Conversations”--a FREE Microsoft Live Seminar

February 10, 2005
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM Eastern Time (US & Canada)

Speaker: Joseph Grenny, President of VitalSmarts and Coauthor of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High”

Learn How to Increase Your Influence and Accelerate Your Career.

If you feel stuck--in a relationship, in your career, at home, wherever--chances are there's a crucial conversation that's keeping you there. New York Times bestselling author Joseph Grenny introduces you to the principles you need to handle crucial conversations--principles that, if practiced, will yield major improvements in areas like productivity, quality, safety, change management, and personal relationships.
For more information and to enroll in this FREE Microsoft Live Seminar, please visit www.placeware.com/go/seminare2631

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4. Q&A: The Silent Spouse
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Dear Authors,

Whenever my husband and I get into a conversation that he doesn't want to continue, he will resort to saying something like, “You always have to have things your way,” and will refuse to continue the conversation. This always leaves issues unresolved and interferes with other areas of our life. How can I get around this?

Signed,

Unresolved

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Answer by Al Switzler, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Unresolved,

When we teach Crucial Conversations Training and ask for the kinds of challenges people are facing, this issue comes up in several ways. Some talk about being married to a mime. Others comment that their spouse seems to have a completely different idea about the number of words needed to discuss a tough topic--particularly at home. Still others share that their spouse will talk about everything and anything except what really matters--then retreat into silence.

This issue is so common and so tough that we’ve addressed it at some length in both “crucial” books in the “Yeah, But . . .” chapters. In Crucial Conversations, it’s “Yeah, but my spouse is the person you talked about earlier. You know, I try to hold a meaningful discussion, I try to work through an important issue, and he or she simply withdraws. What can I do?” In Crucial Confrontations, there are two: “Yeah, but my spouse never wants to talk about anything. I experience a problem with him, and he tells me not to worry or not now or I’ve got it all wrong, or he just turns back to the TV set and says he’ll get back to me later. But he never does.” “Yeah, but I keep bringing up the same problems over and over, and my spouse and children continue in their old ways. It makes me feel like a nag, and I don’t want to be a nag.” There are more detailed answers in the books than I can provide here, but let me tackle a couple of points.

First and foremost, we need to start with heart. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself the questions that will help you get to mutual purpose. “What do I REALLY want for me? For the other person? For our relationship?” This question helps you fine-tune your motive and helps move your intentions from possibly self-centered and short-term to mutual and long-term. This also helps you make sure that when you share what you’re thinking you are starting from a safe place rather than leading with emotions and accusations.

Key, however, to solving this issue is getting to the right conversation. In Crucial Confrontations, we describe a process to help you choose between Content, Pattern, and Relationship discussions.

In relationships that are stressed, talking about content is not going to work. Content issues could include not cleaning the garage, not coming home on time, spending too much money, etc. What you’ve described in your question is clearly pattern and relationship. The problem is a pattern. It is recurring. It’s affecting your relationship in many ways. So I’d suggest you talk about talking. It might sound something like this: “Could we talk about how we communicate? I’d like to understand how we each view how we talk together and what we both want. Last time we talked you said that I was trying to get my way, and I don’t want to come across that way. I want to talk things out so we both agree if we can. Would that be okay?” If he agrees, he might ask, “Okay, where do we start?” You might then respond, “I’ve noticed that when an issue is important, we start talking and if we see things differently, you cut off the conversation just when I want to talk more. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”

Of course, there is no one set of scripts that work. The important part is that you have put the right issues on the table--pattern and relationship--and you are sincerely interested in understanding where your spouse is coming from. If you make it safe enough, you can also be candid in what you observe about your spouse’s behaviors and how those impact you. This is give and take. This is dialogue.

Crucial conversations are interactions about high-stakes, emotional issues that two people see differently. Remember that you can talk them out, or act them out. The challenge here is to talk about the right issue.

Best wishes,

Al

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For more information on dealing with this and other “worst case scenario” issues, check out chapter 11 (Yeah, But) of the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” and chapter 9 (The Twelve “Yeah-Buts”) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

Crucial Confrontations:
- March 11, Walnut, CA

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- February 15, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

- March 22, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- February 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- February 8-9, Palo Alto, CA*
- February 15-16, Greenwood Village, CO*
- February 22-23, Arlington, VA*
- March 1-2, Seattle, WA*
- March 8-9, SF Bay Area, CA*
- March 8-9, Beverly Hills, MI*
- March 15-16, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX *
- March 15-16, Columbus, OH*
- April 5-6, Southern CA*
- April 19-20, Cleveland, OH*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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