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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
December 29, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 50
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Survey Results: “New Year's Resolutions on the Job”
3. FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar
4. Q&A: Missing Social Cues
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“To become different from what we are, we must have some awareness of what we are.”

- Eric Hoffer

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2. Survey Results: “New Year's Resolutions on the Job”
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Keeping your New Year’s resolutions involves a lot of will power. But it could also involve a lot of word power--especially if your resolution centers around making changes at work. Surprisingly, more than 95 percent of respondents to a recent VitalSmarts Web survey suggested that they don’t know how to step up to tough issues on the job and get the results they really want.

See the results of our latest survey as well as the Authors’ tips for getting the results you want at work in our most recent press release at http://www.vitalsmarts.com/AboutUs/PressRoom/PressReleases.aspx

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3. FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar
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Be our guest at a FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar January 6, 2005 at 1:00 p.m. (ET). This fun and information-packed presentation lasts fifty minutes and is followed by a live ten-minute question-and-answer session with one of the coauthors the New York Times bestseller “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.” To register, simply visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/Registration.aspx?cxid=CC1Web010605

Take this opportunity to learn the skills that are helping individuals, teams, and organizations achieve breakthrough results!

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4. Q&A: Missing Social Cues
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Dear authors,

I’m faced with the challenge of training people who are rather low self-monitors. That is, they don’t read social cues particularly well and as a result often annoy or offend others. They tend to push too hard or talk about topics that others are no longer interested in or simply hang back and don’t offer their ideas when they should. Many are skilled professionals in their field but since they don’t come off well in social interactions, they are being discounted. Our company can’t afford the luxury of not hearing from or discounting the opinions and ideas of some of our best thinkers.

Here’s the problem: when I work with this particular group, many are blind to the fact that they have a blind side. They view social skills training in general as a waste of time and the fact that they are in particular need of it often escapes them. How can I deal with this sensitive situation?

Signed,

At a Loss

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear At a Loss,

First of all, it’s important to make sure those you’re training understand that using crucial skills in the workplace isn’t about looking pleasant or making people happy. Effec¬tive employees don’t charm people into their good graces. If any¬thing, they’re tough on infrac¬tions, vio¬lations, and failed prom¬ises. They con¬fidently step up to prob¬lems and hold the other person account¬able.

Honest, complete, and effective communication is about getting the results you want and need. Interpersonal skills matter because you work in a social environment made up of small groups and teams. People who “don’t work and play well with others” cause companies fits. Individuals who aren’t able to express themselves well aren’t heard, so their best ideas are often missed. Companies can’t afford that.

That said, the challenge here lies in first helping people realize that they aren’t reading the cues well, and second, helping them apply high-level reasoning to an activity that most people do intuitively (picking up on social cues). It turns out that the first challenge isn’t all that great. Most people who stumble in social settings are well aware of the fact that they aren’t doing well. They’ve been given more than enough feedback over the years to realize that they don’t always shine in complex social interactions. They know this in general, but still struggle in the moment. Many also realize that the typical training they’ve been given or books they have been asked to read haven’t given them much help. This is often because the material deals with what to do and say but offers little to no help when it comes to when and how. This is where they struggle. They don’t know when because they aren’t reading the cues and the often don’t know how because they aren’t reading the responses well enough to then make subtle adjustments to their behavioral attempts.

What’s a person to do? We all need help in reading social cues, some just more than others. If you’re offering social skills (influence, accountability, communication) training for those who have been tagged at risk, spend as much time talking about the entry condition or cue to the skill in question as you do on the skill itself. This can feel odd because it seems so obvious, but it isn’t to everyone. In fact, we all have problems at times. For instance, when we’re caught up in an argument, all of us have missed the process of what’s going on around us and plowed on ahead no matter how others respond. We’ve all seen people resist our ideas only to push harder and cause more resistance. In short, we all missed the cues.

Without going into detail here, suffice it to say that you’ll need to slow down the skill you’re teaching, focus on what others are doing or saying BEFORE the skill is called for and actually spend time looking for both the verbal and nonverbal cues that would drive a person in one direction or another. Then look at how people might respond to what you’ve just learned--with particular emphasis on what it looks like when the skill is working and when it isn’t. “Oops, that didn’t work. Let me try something else.” Once again, this calls for slowing down, looking for both verbal and nonverbal hints, talking about them, and then identifying where to go given the response. It’s a little hard to describe this in the abstract, but this ability to read social cues lies (both behavior and after a behavioral attempt) at the heart of your problem and you won’t be providing people the full solution to their problem if you merely focus on the traditional elements of influence or communication training.

Good luck with a challenging and often touchy task,

Kerry
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For more information on learning to watch for cues during a conversation, see chapter 4 (Learn to Look) of the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialskills.com.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about “Crucial Confrontations” by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial confrontations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

- January 13, San Antonio, TX
- January 19, Eugene, OR

Open Enrollment Training
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The Crucial Conversations Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- January 18-19, Research Triangle Park, NC*
- January 26-27, Baltimore, MD
- February 1-2, Salt Lake City, UT*
- February 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- February 8-9, SF Bay Area, CA*
- February 15-16, Greenwood Village, CO*
- February 22-23, Arlington, VA*
- March 1-2, Seattle, WA*
- March 8-9, Southfield, MI*
- March 15-16, Columbus, OH*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training
*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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