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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
December 22, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 49
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Survey Results: “New Year's Resolutions on the Job”
3. FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar
4. Q&A: Asking for a Raise
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin.”

- Ivan Turgenev

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2. Survey Results: “New Year's Resolutions on the Job”
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Keeping your New Year’s resolutions involves a lot of will power. But it could also involve a lot of word power--especially if your resolution centers around making changes at work. Surprisingly, more than 95 percent of respondents to a recent VitalSmarts Web survey suggested that they don’t know how to step up to tough issues on the job and get the results they really want.

See the results of our latest survey as well as the Authors’ tips for getting the results you want at work in our most recent press release at http://www.vitalsmarts.com/AboutUs/PressRoom/PressReleases.aspx

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3. FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar
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Be our guest at a FREE Crucial Conversations Web Seminar January 6, 2005 at 1:00 p.m. (ET). This fun and information-packed presentation lasts fifty minutes and is followed by a live ten-minute question-and-answer session with one of the coauthors the New York Times bestseller “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.” To register, simply visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/Registration.aspx?cxid=CC1Web010605

Take this opportunity to learn the skills that are helping individuals, teams, and organizations achieve breakthrough results!

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4. Q&A: Asking for a Raise
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Dear Crucial Skills,

How can I convince my manager to give me the promotion and pay raise I am owed?

This year I came back into mainstream office activity after resolving some personal problems. I got more and more responsibility over the course of the year and my supervisor reassured me he had no concerns about my performance and that he would see about getting me my promotion at year-end.

I recently approached him about the promotion and he said that I first needed to write up my strengths and weaknesses as well as long-term goals. He said he couldn’t support me getting my promotion until he had this in his hands. It seems like he’s adding steps after the fact. It was a big letdown from the expectations he set earlier in the year.

How can I convince him to see my point of view?

Signed,

Put Off

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Put Off,

I’ve got a few thoughts that I think could be helpful but I’d like to beg permission to take a few logical leaps here. I sincerely don’t want to be hurtful and yet since we’re not face to face I worry I will be. I trust that you were sincere in your request for advice, so I’ll venture forward hoping you’ll know my heart’s in the right place even if my brain isn’t. Okay?

Let me start with the most abrupt thought. Your very request is worded in a way that makes me wonder if your first challenge will be to change your motives. You asked, “How can I convince him . . . ?” If my goal in a conversation is to convince the other person, then I tend to come at it in ways that reveal my motive. My goal becomes to “be right” and “prove my point” or “win” with all the behaviors attendant to those motives. This is doomed from the outset and tends to cause the other person to resist rather than consider my views.

The goal of dialogue is not to “convince” but to “contribute to the pool of meaning.” You have some very clear and compelling concerns based on your experience that it is important for your boss to consider. And yet, he probably has some other views that you are unaware of. Your goal in the conversation must not be to get your raise; it must be to get a fair and reasonable outcome. Put differently, your goal must be to come to a common understanding of where you and your boss stand. If that is your motive, you will approach this as dialogue rather than monologue.

Second point. The root cause of most violated expectations is unclear expectations. We have conversations and leave drawing different conclusions. Or we remember it differently. Or things change and we assume others are revising their expectations accordingly--and they aren’t! Unfortunately, this advice will be useful in the future but not the present. It is this. If you do not have a written confirmation of your pay and promotion expectations with your boss, then you made a mistake. Never let a conversation about such a high stakes topic end without summarizing and even documenting your agreements. If you have this documentation, it becomes the starting point for the conversation you are trying to have now. If you don’t have it, you have no clear starting point.

Third, given your history (a problematic previous year or two, recently returned, increasing return of responsibilities over the year) and given your bosses response, I have a strong intuition that he is not leveling with you. He may well be putting you off because he has been less than candid about his view of your performance. If that is so, then once again, the purpose of your crucial conversation needs to be to solicit his views and concerns. You must make it safe for him to be totally honest with you about your performance. If you don’t, he may continue to feel a need to be political with you.

Finally, just fill out the darned form. If all he’s asking for is a simple sheet with your self assessment and goals--why quibble about it? You may be telling yourself a story that makes this out to be bigger than it is. The next step in my view is for you to change your story--let this be a small bureaucratic request in your mind not a big retreat from your expectations. Comply with it. And see if that doesn’t solve the problem!

I wish you the best and hope for an outcome that is positive for both of you.

Happy Holidays,

Joseph

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For more information on putting Joseph’s advice to work, see Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) and Chapter 6 (Master My Stories) of the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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5. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialskills.com.

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6. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about “Crucial Confrontations” by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial confrontations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Events now scheduled in the following cities

- January 13, San Antonio, TX
- January 19, Eugene, OR

Open Enrollment Training
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The Crucial Conversations Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- January 18-19, Research Triangle Park, NC*
- January 26-27, Baltimore, MD
- February 1-2, Salt Lake City, UT*
- February 8-9, Chicago, IL*
- February 8-9, SF Bay Area, CA*
- February 15-16, Greenwood Village, CO*
- February 22-23, Arlington, VA*
- March 1-2, Seattle, WA*
- March 8-9, Southfield, MI*
- March 15-16, Columbus, OH*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training
*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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