::VitalSmarts - Get Newsletter::

==========================================
CRUCIAL™ SKILLS NEWSLETTER
December 07, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 47
==========================================

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest: Submit Your Best Unruly Relative Story – WIN A FREE iPOD® NANO!
4. Q&A: Looking for a Way Out
5. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

------------------------------------------
1. Quote of the Week
------------------------------------------

"Every waking moment we talk to ourselves about the things we experience. Our self-talk, the thoughts we communicate to ourselves, in turn control the way we feel and act."

- John Lembo

------------------------------------------
2. Tip of the Week
------------------------------------------

Decide How to Decide

The ending of a crucial conversation can be just as important as the first few minutes--it’s now time to make decisions based on the conversation and then act on those decisions. To make sure people are on board with what will happen, and that they won’t be disappointed with final decisions, specify up front how decisions will be made.

Is it consensus? “Everyone must be on board.” Consult? “Thanks for the ideas; we’ll let you know what we’ve decided.” Command? “I’ll decide.” Or vote? “We’ll let the majority decide which idea we’ll all support.”

------------------------------------------
3. Contest: Submit Your Best Unruly Relative Story – WIN A FREE iPOD® NANO!
------------------------------------------

Our holiday survey last year found that four out of five of you can relate to having an unruly relative--that one person who shows up at holiday dinners and makes snide remarks or just plain behaves badly. We want to hear about your worst experience with a family member wreaking holiday havoc at a family gathering. The reader who submits the BEST unruly relative story with a holiday theme will win a free iPod Nano--with the audiobook “Crucial Conversations” preloaded! Winners will also have their story published in a future issue of the Crucial Skills newsletter and promoted via the media. Please e-mail your submissions to:

editor@vitalsmarts.com

Entries should be 100-200 words.

All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

The deadline for submissions is Friday, December 9 at 12 pm EST.

iPod is a trademark of Apple Computer, Inc.

------------------------------------------
4. Q&A: Looking for a Way Out
------------------------------------------

I love my job but would like to transfer out of the department due to my manager, “Bob.” He used to be an ok coworker until our then-manager retired and as the most senior of our team, he got promoted.

I was on maternity leave at the time, and when I returned, I found that the helpful coworker had turned into a power-hungry and controlling maniac of a manager and the team was shell-shocked.

I have spoken to Bob several times regarding my performance appraisal, to my HR rep for guidance, and finally to Bob's manager in exasperation--who, to my relief, agreed with my assessment of Bob, but whose hands are tied. It seems the next-level manager is Bob's long-time friend and our department is profitable.

How do I tell Bob I'd like to move on without him getting angry? How do I manage the transition? Should I just try to find another job while trying to do my old job ducking bombshells? How do I make objective comments on my boss in upcoming interviews? Is trying to obtain a positive reference letter out of the question?

Signed,

Desperate Housewife going back to work

-------------------------

Response by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Desperate,

Once you’ve decided that you’ve exhausted all methods for remedying your current situation and that it makes sense to move to a new company, you can be at great risk. Many people under these circumstances figure that they need to fix their boss before they move on. Don’t even think about it. It hasn’t worked yet and it’s not going to get better as you leave.

If people become particularly angry as they prepare to exit, many figure that it’s safe to do and say whatever they like--after all, they’re leaving. And since they’ve been raked over the coals along the way, it’s now time to get even. Once they take this attitude they often adopt many of the very behaviors that they found so despicable in their boss. They become intractable, sarcastic, unresponsive, and pretty much do what they want. They’ve become their own worst nightmare.

Obviously, you’re not thinking of such tactics, but you do need to guard against any feelings of revenge that can crop up under these circumstances. You’d be shocked to see how many people not only leave a company in anger (often deserved) but then burn bridges along the way.

Never burn bridges. You don’t want to be that kind of person, and you don’t want to suffer the consequences that often follow. Instead, quietly continue to do your job as well as possible while seeking new employment. Only approach your boss once you have an offer in your pocket. Explain that a great opportunity came up and that you’ll be taking it. Offer to make the transition as easy as possible. If your current boss needs you to stay and train the next person, see if you can arrange this with your new employer. Your job is to remain the picture of professionalism--despite how others are behaving around you. And yes, if you’re doing a good job, you should expect a positive reference.

When it comes to talking about your boss in upcoming discussions--possible employers, your replacement, friends and family, etc.--it never helps to badmouth people behind their backs. In this case, either talk with your boss directly or let it go and move on. Since you’ve decided to move on, let it go. Focus on the benefits of your new job and leave any information about your former boss a private matter.

Now for the tricky part. What if the person you’re talking with about a new job wants to talk with your current boss? If he or she calls without knowing your circumstances, your boss learns that that you’re looking for a new job--and then if you don’t get the new job . . . oops.

I’ve actually interviewed people who faced these circumstances and two that I can recall handled the challenge quite nicely. Both were up front with me about the fact that they didn’t have a very good relationship with their boss (as was the case with their entire department), and they were choosing to move on. These two didn’t give details, but did give me a warning. Both hoped that they’d get a job offer on the basis of their resume and the interview and not on the basis of what their current boss had to say. When I decided that I wanted to hire one of them, I asked him if it would be okay to give the boss a call, in order to make a final check. He gave me permission, I made the call, and it worked out just fine.

Now, let me add one final element--and this deals with your former coworkers. As long as people in authority (in this case, your boss’s boss) remain in the dark about Bob, he’ll be allowed to continue his reign of terror. So, do you make an effort to inform senior executives about the horrific manager, even though it will do nothing for you, but might benefit the majority?

As outside consultants, we often encourage HR professionals and senior managers to go out of their way to conduct exit interviews with people who are leaving. That way they can learn from people firsthand why they’re moving on. Is their pay out of whack? Are the jobs noxious? Is there a manager who’s driving people away?

With this in mind, you might ask for an exit interview with both the HR manager and a senior leader. Explain your motives--you want to see the organization improve. Then during the interviews, explain that you’re exiting because of your boss. Don’t be angry, just frank. Describe a few specific examples of what your manager routinely did. Avoid using caustic terms--stick with examples. Also point out that you’ve voiced your concerns and nobody has the will or ability to do anything and that you’re now leaving because of it.

Should you choose this additional step, take comfort in knowing that you’ve shared valuable information and that if others do the same, eventually the problem will be solved.

Best of luck,

Kerry Patterson

------------------------------------------
5. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
------------------------------------------

The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
-----------------------
This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
-----------------------
Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
-----------------------
Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

-------------------------------------------
6. Where Can I Learn More?
-------------------------------------------

Web Seminars
-------------------------
Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- December 8, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)
- January 11, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- December 15, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)
- January 19, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (General Overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
--------------------------
Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- January 24-25, Boston, MA*
- January 24-25, Atlanta, GA*
- January 24-25, Portland, OR*
- February 7-8, Phoenix, AZ*
- February 7-8, Chicago, IL*
- February 21-22, Toronto, ON*
- February 28-March 1, Southern California, CA*
- February 28-March 1, New York, NY*

Crucial Confrontations:

- January 24-25, Irvine, CA*
- February 7-8, Washington, D.C.*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

=================================================================

Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? Send an e-mail to editor@vitalsmarts.com

You are receiving this newsletter because you expressed an interest in receiving updates from Crucial Conversations--either by signing up for the newsletter or by registering on the site and choosing to receive this reminder.

If we have sent this to you in error, or if you wish to remove your name from future communications, please click the link below:
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/unsubscribe.aspx?MSN=reminders

If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list, have them visit www.crucialskills.com where they can sign up to receive information and access free resources.