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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
August 31, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 34
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Survey: Aggravations at Work
4. Author Q&A: When Your Employees Won’t Talk to You
5. Letters to the Editor: An Update and Addressing Privacy
6. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“I don’t deny we sometimes draw the right conclusions, but don’t we just as often draw the wrong ones?”

- G.C. Lichtenberg

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2. Tip of the Week
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Invent a Mutual Purpose

When you’re seeking to find a mutual purpose with someone, sometimes the solution is easy. You learn that you really have compatible goals but simply came up with opposing strategies. From there you can jointly explore alternatives that satisfy your Mutual Purpose.

But you’re not always so lucky. Sometimes you learn that you actually don’t want the same things. For instance, you’ve come home from work all upset and want to talk with your spouse, but he or she wants some alone time. In situations such as this, you don’t simply discover a mutual purpose, you must actively invent one. You do so by moving to higher and more encompassing goals.

For example, you and your spouse may disagree on what to do this evening, but agree that over the next week you want to spend more time together. When you agree on larger or longer-term goals, compromise in the short term is more acceptable. You feel a sense of mutual purpose, and return to dialogue.

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3. Survey: Aggravations at Work
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Are there things at work that aggravate you? Would these aggravations ever cause you to consider leaving your job? We want to know your frustrations! Please take a few moments to answer some questions about your job in our brief Web poll. The survey should take you less than five minutes to complete.

You can access the survey at http://www.keysurvey.com/survey/74468/1619/

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4. Author Q&A: When Your Employees Won’t Talk to You
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Dear Authors,

I suspect that one of my direct reports (my assistant) has an issue with me that she is unwilling or unable to address. To my face she is pleasant and appears content. I have clearly expressed my desire for open communication and she has acknowledged that she feels comfortable coming to me with any concerns. However, in an exit interview, one of her coworkers told me that this employee "feels oppressed” by me. Another of her coworkers has referenced "communication problems" between my assistant and me.

My gut tells me that my assistant is sharing her concerns with others, but not me, yet I have nothing tangible to reference with her. I don't want to seem paranoid or have a conversation that is so vague it has no impact. I'd be more inclined to just let it go if it weren't for the fact that I believe others are getting a negative perspective on me.

Thanks,

Wondering

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Answer by Ron McMillan, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Wondering,

I’ve long believed the most useless employee idea is the one you never hear--and likewise, the most hurtful customer complaint is the one that’s never shared. If you’re not aware of the problem, it’s tough to solve it. Now, in your case, you’ve got some clues that there is a problem, yet you have been unable to get direct understanding from your assistant. Apparently, she’s gone silent with you on this issue.

I find it helpful to think of this as a safety problem; because your assistant doesn’t feel safe, she doesn’t want to share. It’s not content that keeps people from talking openly. It’s perceived lack of safety. With enough safety you can share almost anything with almost anyone. The way to solve this issue with your assistant is to make it safe enough for her to share how she views the situation. Here are a few ideas.

First of all, think about what it is you really want here. This is a relationship problem. The first conversation you need to hold is not about whatever topic she’s holding back, it’s about how you work together. You not only want to identify and solve a communication problem, you want to do it in a way that builds a safe, effective relationship going forward. You want a relationship that’s open, a relationship where you can both talk about what’s working and what’s not--and where you can work together on making things better. Keep these goals in mind as you move forward, and they will help you stay on track in creating safety.

In order to build safety into this conversation, begin by sharing your good intentions. You might explain your reason for having this conversation. For example, “I want to talk to you about our working relationship--how it’s going, and how it can be improved.”

I also think it would show respect and be a nice touch to ask your assistant’s permission to have this conversation--again adding to the safety. Ask by saying something like, “Would that be alright?” If she says yes, proceed. If she says no, ask why not.

Now you want to share the issue you’re concerned about--you want to get your meaning into the shared pool. Start with the facts you have collected: “In an exit interview, your coworker shared with me that you feel oppressed by me, and another coworker referenced communication problems between us.” Then you can tentatively tell your story: “I’m wondering if I’m doing something that makes it hard to work with me and that makes it hard to talk to me about it.” And finally, ask for her perspective: “What’s going on? Please help me understand.”

And then--really listen. Honestly invite her to share and sincerely show your interest in what she’s saying. You achieve this by staying calm and professional as she shares her concerns. Don’t be defensive--that would likely reinforce the story she’s already telling about why she can’t bring things up. Often, actively listening will create a strong sense of mutual purpose and respect, and people will feel safe enough to open up.

If your assistant still does not want to talk about it, exercise your best judgment as to when to stop the conversation. At some point, to continue pressing is to cross the line into disrespect. If you decide to disengage, leave her with an invitation: “I would like to better understand how you feel about our working relationship, and would like to hear any ideas you have about how I can be more effective. Would it be alright with you if we revisit this issue another time?”

Keep in mind that for some issues, you will have to work on mutual purpose and respect consistently over time before you can build enough safety for others to be willing to open up.

As an additional note, if you suspect that the problem is more widespread than a single direct report, you might consider a simple tool to gather feedback, such as an anonymous survey. Often, if people can give you feedback in writing anonymously, they will be honest and direct. Try a short paragraph describing the feedback you want, such as, “I would like to collect feedback on my leadership style. Will you help me? Please identify the things I am doing well that I should CONTINUE doing, the things I am not doing well that I should STOP doing, the things I am not doing that I should START doing, and the things I am doing but should MODIFY. Do not attach your name. All responses will be collected and compiled by [a third party, perhaps an administrative assistant].”

This becomes a quick and efficient way of ascertaining whether or not there is a widespread problem that needs your attention. Be sure to thank your team for their time and thoughts and share with them some of the things you’re going to do to improve. Ask them for their support in making these changes and make sure you do not try to identify individual comments or be punitive in any way. As you target the things you need to change and as they see you making improvements, you will be creating a safer social climate in your team--making it easier for people to be honest with you in the future.

I wish you all the best in your most crucial confrontations.

Ron

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For tips on creating safety and actively listening, see Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) and Chapter 8 (Explore Others’ Paths) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

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5. Letters to the Editor: An Update and Addressing Privacy
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Dear Crucial Skills,

Just an update to winning the book [Crucial Confrontations]. I'm at page 131. Thinking about my letter and the events leading up to the firing, it is all addressed in what I've read. I love the book and find it to be one of the best books I've ever read and of course, I will highly recommend it to everyone.

Warm regards,

Jean Zawlocki (Winner of the “Talking Hi-Tech” contest)

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I am an ardent supporter of your teachings and have encouraged both colleagues and friends to learn about Crucial Conversations.

With that said, I have one comment about some of your guidance regarding "making it safe." It appears that you expect folks to have crucial conversations with people--even superiors--in open forums (like at a meeting). While I understand why dealing with the issue immediately when it surfaces has great merit, it seems to me that an audience to a crucial conversation makes it difficult to "make it safe" for the other party. Can you address this concern?

Thank you in advance for your consideration of this matter.

A reader in the Navy

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Response by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear aquatic reader,

You’re absolutely right. When you’re discussing issues in a crowd, the dynamics change quite dramatically. However, this doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t ever conduct a crucial conversation in front of others. For instance, when you’re trying to surface ideas and then make choices as a team, you should be discussing issues as a group. Synergy results from two or more people jointly brainstorming and coming up with new ideas. It’s a group activity. That’s where your crucial conversations skills come into play. If others appear reluctant to share differing opinions, you need to make it safe for them to do so—in spite of the presence of other people.

On the other hand (and I’m guessing this is where you have your reservations), if another person behaves in a way that’s inappropriate and you need to talk to him or her about the violation of an expectation, then you need to hold a crucial confrontation. These are almost always done one-to-one. If you choose to talk to another person about a broken promise or a bad behavior and you do so in public because it’s more convenient, you’re holding a public performance review--and this is never acceptable.

So, if you’re trying to work through differences of opinion and the forum is a meeting, you need to make it safe for everyone to talk and this is where crucial conversations skills are so valuable. If you need to talk about a person’s inappropriate behavior, that’s where crucial confrontations skills come into play, and you need to find a private setting.

I hope this helps you make the choice,

Kerry Patterson

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6. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- September 22, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- September 7, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- September 13-14, Irvine, CA*
- September 19-20, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- September 20-21, Dallas Ft Worth, TX*
- October 4-5, New York, NY*
- October 11-12, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- September 13-14, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- September 19-20, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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