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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
August 18, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 32
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. We Want Your Stories!
3. Q&A: Speaking with a Parent
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

- Ambrose Redmoon

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2. We Want Your Stories!
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Have crucial skills worked for you? Tell us your story in 200 words or less. We’re gathering stories from Crucial Conversations readers and want to publish yours. Winning entries will appear on our website and will receive a free copy of our soon-to-be-published book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

Got writer’s block? Consider a before-and-after approach. Have crucial skills made a difference at work, at home, in an important relationship, with your children, or with aging parents?

Guidelines: Make sure you write your story in a way that protects confidences, and send no more than 200 words. Be sure to include your name, location, and e-mail address so that we can contact you for your final approval before publishing the story. We will be accepting e-mailed entries only. All entries will be considered the property of VitalSmarts--but no entries will be published without your final permission.

Send your Crucial Skills story to editor@vitalsmarts.com.

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3. Q&A: Speaking with a Parent
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Dear Crucial Conversations,

I am in a real dilemma. My father has just turned 59 and he is showing signs of dementia. I do not know how to approach him. I am worried I will make things worse for him by bringing his attention to his health, even though I know he must be aware of his memory loss because it is so obvious. Because I have found it difficult to control my feelings and deal with the emotional pain when thinking about my father, I am worried about becoming emotional and upset when we do eventually discuss it. I want him to know more than anything that I love him dearly and will always be there for him.

Signed,

Desperate Daughter

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Desperate Daughter,

Your father is lucky to have a daughter like you. He’s lucky that you love him enough to feel pain about his declining health, but also to intervene when it’s in his best interest. I hope my children will do the same.

I have a couple of thoughts for you about this situation. The first is a reality check about crucial conversations. The second is some important advice about how to succeed in this absolutely crucial conversation.

The reality check is this: being skilled at crucial conversations does not mean that a) they are easy, or b) they always lead to the outcomes you want. This conversation may well be difficult. It involves both you and your father coming to accept a reality that you may not like. He may want to deny or minimize the issue, and you may be so worried about rupturing your relationship that you’ll be tempted to let him.

The good news is that being skilled at crucial conversations helps you minimize the pain. It helps ensure that the tone and spirit of the conversation is as healthy as it can be, and that your chance of influencing the other person is as great as possible. In my own view, your current crucial conversation is all the more important because as much as anything it is a test of your love for your father. It is a measure of whether your motive in your relationship with him is more about serving his best interests or maintaining his positive feelings for you. I have an abiding belief that if it’s the former, you can find a way to have the latter, too. But if it’s the latter, you surrender the former in the bargain.

Now for the advice.

There are two things I’d advise you to keep in mind in this conversation. Both of these are predictors of your influence and success in the conversation.

1. You are more likely to succeed if you give up the need to succeed. Unless your father is in immediate physical danger, your goal in this conversation is not to convince him that you are right, but to open the topic for discussion. In fact, I’d suggest your goal not be to come to agreement about his current status as much as to come to agreement that something is happening and that you should agree to criteria for taking steps in the future. In other words, after opening the discussion, you might say, “Dad, given that your health is being affected, and that others are more likely to be aware of how bad it is than you are, can we talk about what signs we’ll watch for that indicate you need to change your living situation?” If this discussion is held before things are too acute, you may be able to keep an open dialogue going about where you are in the process. Unless things are dangerous now, focus less on how things are than on when things will need to change. Don’t worry about convincing him of your current view--just involve him in discussing scenarios.

2. Lead with facts, not stories. Your father may not agree with your story (“your memory is declining”). Your success in being persuasive depends upon your ability to share specific observations you’ve made--particularly those he may recognize. Share a series of these to help him see that it is a pattern, or he’s likely to write off the one or two you can recollect.

3. Generously express your love and discomfort while candidly expressing your concerns. As you know from reading “Crucial Conversations,” the predictor of success here is how safe your father feels with you. He’ll need to feel particularly safe when you’re talking about him adapting to a whole different lifestyle and reality. When he seems upset or worried or even defensive, step out of the content and hug and kiss him--or whatever is the way you two express affection for each other. Then collect yourself and return to the content when he’s ready. If needed, you may even want to break this up over time with agreed upon breaks in the conversation.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s at times like this that we have a chance to return the love our parents gave us when we were less able. It’s the most honorable thing we can do. And your crucial conversation will be one of your first expressions of love and honor in this new phase of your relationship.

Best wishes,

Joseph

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To learn more about focusing on what you really want from the conversation and about leading with the facts in sharing difficult messages, see Chapter 3 (Start with Heart) and Chapter 7 (STATE My Path)of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High."

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- Aug 26, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (NEW! Overview of Crucial Confrontations)
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*
- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- October 19-20, Knoxville, TN*
- October 19-20, Washington, D.C.*
- October 26-27, Columbus, OH*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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