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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
August 17, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 32
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Author Q&A: Talking to Your Children
4. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much."

- Robert Greenleaf

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2. Tip of the Week
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Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

When you are at cross-purposes with the other person in a crucial conversation, take the first step toward a mutually beneficial outcome: Commit to seek mutual purpose. Be willing to recognize that there is possibly a different solution or strategy that will satisfy everyone, and then verbalize your commitment to finding that solution.

This act has an enormous calming effect when you find yourself in a battle of wills--and it’s so easy to do. Simply point out that you seem to be stuck at odds, and then commit to search for an outcome that will benefit both of you. For example, “It seems that we’re both trying to force our view. What if we look for a way to resolve this that will make us BOTH happy?”

This is just a first step, but it will open the door to more effective conversations. Agreeing to agree soothes fears, relaxes defenses, and rebuilds safety.

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3. Author Q&A: Talking to Your Children
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Dear Authors,

How can your materials help a mother of a ten-year-old respond appropriately when her child speaks disrespectfully? I know this is usually not your focus, but maybe you can offer some direction.

Thanks,

Mom

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Mom,

You’re right that our research and consulting work has not involved children. As social scientists we prefer to work with rats, pigeons, and sophomores. But I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit that our most taxing, passionate, and rewarding applications of Crucial Skills have been in our own homes. All told, my coauthors and I have helped rear twenty-three children. And many of these have long since gotten over what we did in rearing them! So I’d be happy to share some reflections on your question.

First, I believe that the most important life skill we can teach our children is, without question, the capacity to hold crucial conversations. If they leave our homes equipped to deal in a healthy way with the inevitable interpersonal challenges of life, they will be physically, financially, and emotionally better off than with any other single skill set we could bless them with.

So, Tip #1: When dealing with a child who speaks disrespectfully, remember that the most important outcome of this conversation is not just extinguishing unacceptable behavior, but teaching the child how to influence behavior in a healthy way. You’ll teach this by modeling how to have a good crucial conversation. So, Start with Heart. Be clear coming in that the quality of the conversation is as important to you as the quality of the result.

Tip #2: Hold the right conversation. Most parents make the mistake of dealing with disrespectful behavior at the same time they’re solving some other problem. Say, for example, your ten-year-old wants to have a slumber party at a friend’s house where you believe there will be insufficient supervision. You say no and explain your reasons. She calls you an “overprotective witch.” And you holler back, “Okay smart-mouth, now in addition to missing the party you can miss out on playing with friends for the next week!”

What’s wrong with this picture? Well, the obvious problem is that you lost your temper and made this a power issue by imposing consequences. Your daughter will likely conclude from this that the problem was not her disrespectful behavior; it was that she disagreed with you. Wrong lesson. But the less obvious and equally important problem is that you failed to hold the right conversation. When her disrespectful behavior became the issue, you should have set aside the discussion about the slumber party and opened up this “relationship” discussion. For example, “Honey, I can see you aren’t happy about my decision for the slumber party. And I’m willing to talk to you about that. But something more important just happened. You called me a name. I want to talk about that for a minute because it’s very important that when we disagree we do so in a way that doesn’t create a bigger problem . . .” Do you see the difference? In this example we’re clearly changing topics.

What parents (myself included) often do when a new problem emerges is to “act out” rather than “talk out” the new problem. We get ticked off because of the misbehavior and rather than talking about it we let our upset emotions drive how we respond to the original topic (the sleepover in this case). So, if you choose to deal with disrespectful behavior, don’t do it while solving another problem--be sure to distinguish that conversation from the conversation about the issue at hand. Even better, if you already know your child has a pattern of disrespectful behavior toward you, don’t wait for another incident to occur. Set aside a specific time to talk about this pattern of behavior--that helps you remove the emotion of the moment and do a better job of it.

Tip #3 tells you how to describe the problem you want to discuss. Start with the facts. Try to remember three or four specific examples of the behavior you’re trying to describe. Avoid the temptation to lump them all together in an insulting description like, “I’m tired of you treating me like trash.” Instead begin with, “The last three times you didn’t like a decision I made, you threw something down, ran to your room, and slammed the door. Then you didn’t speak to me for a few hours.” Stick with the facts and strip out any judgmental language you might be tempted to add.

Step #4: Finally, the biggest challenge in dealing with disrespectful behavior is helping children care about it in the first place. Don’t try to make them care by threatening them. Instead, think carefully about the natural consequences of disrespectful behavior. In a respectful tone, teach your children what happens in the real world when they speak disrespectfully to others. Help them see how the world will work better for them if they avoid this behavior. Then--and this is tricky--try to make your home operate this same way.

For example, you may ask your child what happens when she is rude to a friend. Help her see how disrespectful behavior hurts relationships and even makes people less willing to help her when she needs it. Explain that in order to prepare her to have a successful life, you won’t allow disrespectful behavior to slide by either. When she is disrespectful to you, you will not be as supportive of some of her special requests. Now let’s say the next day she is rude again. Then later that evening she wheedles and begs you to give her a ride to the movie with a friend--you must not rob her of the chance to experience the natural consequences of her actions. You must follow through. Otherwise she learns that the real world does not work as you said it does. The “real world” to her is one where her mother makes up consequences then can be manipulated into compromising on them.

Now I know that this is an awfully short response for a complex question, but I have great confidence that if you keep in mind that the quality of your crucial confrontations with your child is the most important gift you will give him or her, you will continue to improve in the most important conversations of your life.

Best wishes,

Joseph

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For tips on starting a conversation with the right intentions and on choosing the right issue to talk about, read Chapter 3 (Start with Heart) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” and Chapter 1 (Choose “What” and “If”) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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4. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- August 24, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 22, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- September 7, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD
- September 13-14, Irvine, CA*
- September 19-20, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- September 20-21, Dallas Ft Worth, TX*
- October 4-5, New York, NY*
- October 11-12, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- September 13-14, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- September 19-20, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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