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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
August 11, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 31
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Free Web Seminar on Our Newest Book, “Crucial Confrontations”

3. Q&A: Helping Others See Their Role
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts.”
- John Dewey

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2. Free Web Seminar on Our Newest Book, “Crucial Confrontations”
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Join Joseph Grenny, one of the coauthors of our newest book, “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior” for a FREE one-hour web seminar on August 26th at 1:00 p.m. (Eastern). He’ll discuss the basic principles outlined in the book for handling crucial confrontations, and then respond to your questions. To register, visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/Solutions/CourseDetails.aspx?cxid=CCWEB082604

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3. Q&A: Helping Others See Their Role
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Dear Crucial Conversations,

I have been working with a supervisor on her people approach. People who report to her often describe her as "condescending and controlling." Several other directors and I have spoken with her many times with the goal of helping her with her people skills and making her successful. I have gotten to the point of being very blunt in what the expected behavior is. We've offered an outside work coach. She still does not understand.

She usually blames the other person and does not see her role in this pattern of behavior. Even when I have pointed out the pattern. She states she has changed her approach by asking questions instead of directing. I get the same comments about her new approach as her old approach, even from new employees.

Any suggestions as to how else this can be addressed?

Signed,

At Wit’s End

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Answer by Al Switzler, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Wit’s End,

You’re dealing with a situation similar to those that other people face regularly in different settings. The problem--there’s a pattern going on that keeps you stuck and you can’t seem to get out of it--even when you deal with the pattern. Coworkers can’t seem to get a colleague to deliver when promised; parents can’t get their son or daughter to take out the trash on Monday morning in time for the pickup--and this has been going on for five years; a salesperson over-promises and makes exaggerated claims to get the sale, even though production and marketing have repeatedly told him or her to stop. You feel you’re knocking your head against a wall--it’s painful and the wall isn’t moving.

So what do you do? Do you push harder? Persevere, cope, do workarounds, give up?

Before I offer a suggestion or two, let me pause to praise you for your perceptions and your efforts. It takes courage and patience and caring to stick in there like you have. Way to go.

Now for some suggestions:

First, as you look at your challenge, think about getting meaning in the pool. You’ve done a great job. You’ve put your meaning in the pool. You’ve had others put their data in the pool. Yet the person doesn’t get it--no change or improvement is visible. Perhaps you should change the kind of data you’re sharing. Sometimes when we put our meaning in the pool, using our best skills, the other person doesn’t get it or believe it.

Now, I’m not going to repeat all the skills you’ll need to use, but the key skill to remember is to start with the facts. These are most often observations. This approach often works well because facts are verifiable, less controversial, and safer. Sometimes the approach can be made more effective by adding anonymous survey data. It’s one thing for this supervisor to hear from you and her colleagues; it’s often more effective to see data that comes from 360-degree feedback. The data is anonymous, it comes from multiple sources, and it is data--it is seen less as opinion.

During the last twenty years, I’ve had the experience that helping different groups of people see where they’re skilled and where they need to make improvements is best done with feedback data. These groups include management, highly technical individuals, attorneys, physicians, accountants, and more. When the other person agrees to participate in a survey feedback process, there is often enough mutual purpose (both of you want the same thing and the other person is willing to improve) that the action steps that follow lead to progress--progress that can be measured. The general principle here is that meaning in the pool, surrounded by mutual purpose and mutual respect, can lead to action. Survey feedback can help the meaning in the pool move from perceived opinion to more solid data or facts.

Second, think of the acronym CPR. There are three levels of discussion you can have in a crucial conversation: Content (talk about the issue the first time it’s a problem); Pattern (when the issue keeps coming up, discuss the pattern, not just one instance); and Relationship (when the recurring issue is affecting the way you interact or work together, discuss the impact it’s having on your relationship). It sounds to me like there are some significant relationship issues here. Are you beginning to not trust that the person can manage this group well? Are you thinking that this person’s condescending and controlling style is affecting morale, productivity, and customer satisfaction? You need to tell the supervisor this and help her understand what it means to you, to coworkers, and to customers. Outline the positive consequences that will happen if she makes improvements, and the negative consequences that will happen if she doesn’t.

Finally, you need to move to action by determining who does what by when, and how you’ll follow up. I would venture a guess that if the person is unwilling or unable to make improvements, and unwilling to participant in a survey feedback process, that you should begin progressive discipline. This will help the supervisor realize why it is important to improve. The status quo should be unacceptable. The reason it is called progressive discipline is that you provide enormous clarity and feedback and provide the person with time and resources to improve. If the other person doesn’t improve, he or she should leave--the negative impact on relationships inside and outside the team and company is too severe not to act. It’s not easy, but it is essential.

Best wishes,

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For more on adding to the pool of meaning, see Chapter 2 (Mastering Crucial Conversations) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High."

To learn more about dealing with problems of missed expectations, look for our new book, “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.” Pre-order a copy now through September 15th at www.crucialconfrontations.com/newsletteroffer and receive a substantial discount of 36% off the retail price.

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- Aug 18, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Conversations in Children’s Health Care)
- Aug 26, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (NEW! Overview of Crucial Confrontations).
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*
- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- September 28-29, New York, NY*
- October 19-20, Knoxville, TN*
- October 19-20, Washington, D.C.*
- October 26-27, Columbus, OH*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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