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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
August 10, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 31
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Crucial Applications: Bridging the Cultural Communication Gap
4. Search Our Reminder Archives
5. Author Q&A: A Boss’s Drinking Problem
6. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb a little.”

– Andrew Carnegie

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2. Tip of the Week
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Use Contrasting as Prevention

When you suspect that something you’re about to say could create offense, use Contrasting to bolster safety even before you see others going to silence or violence. Start the conversation with safety:

“Can I talk to you about our editing process? It’s not a big deal--I’m perfectly happy with what we’ve printed so far. I do, however, want to address the system we’re using before demand gets any bigger because I think there is potential to run into problems with higher volume.”

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3. Crucial Applications: Bridging the Cultural Communication Gap
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By Kerry Patterson

In today’s fast-paced, multi-national, interdependent world, how do you talk about important topics with people whose specialty, culture, or physical location make it difficult to freely and clearly speak your mind? Here are some tips for bridging the gap--whether it’s across departments or across oceans.

* When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, never let e-mail replace talking. Complex topics deserve real-time, two-way communication. If you can’t meet face-to-face, talk on the phone.

* Tentatively share concerns. Express your views and then tentatively share your concerns. Listen for hesitance from the other side. If you address both sides of an issue, you make it clear that it’s okay to raise differing opinions.

* Invite differing views. After you’ve shared your view, conclude by making it safe for others to honestly express their opposing views.
Ask, “What might I have missed here?” or “What do we need to do differently to make this work for you?”

* Allow time. In some cultures, any quick response to a suggestion is seen as immature. When you give people time to review a proposal with their own team, it provides them with a chance to work on how they express their views and to make any necessary translations.

Remember, your goal should be to jointly come to a shared understanding. Physical, emotional, or intellectual distance calls for careful and honest dialogue.

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4. Search Our Reminder Archives
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Looking for a past “Author Q&A” feature or “Kerrying On” article?
It’s inevitable: you remember reading a tip you really liked from one of our authors, but you can’t recall where it came from. That’s why we’ve set up an archive where you can comb through previous issues of the Crucial Skills Reminder to recover those tidbits of wisdom you thought were lost forever. Access back issues by visiting
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/Newsletter/Archives.aspx

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5. Author Q&A: A Boss’s Drinking Problem
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Dear Authors,

A friend has an office director with a clear cut drinking problem. The drinking has, at times, interfered with the director’s ability to carry out his work to his full potential. The problem is also becoming apparent to people in the field. This frustrates and worries the office staff. My friend does not report directly to the director; there is an intermediate boss. Who, if anyone, should confront the office director? And how?

Signed,

Just Wondering

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Answer by Ron McMillan, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Wondering,

This is a tough situation. Let me see if I can offer some broad guidance--keeping your friend’s vulnerability in mind. If I were speaking to your friend, here’s the advice I would give: First, because of the chain of command, I would recommend that your friend have a crucial conversation with his or her own boss or an HR professional. Often an organization will train HR professionals in how to deal with this sort of situation, and all you will need to do is provide the facts. Then the situation is out of your hands. However, if you’re in a smaller organization, you may have to pursue the course a little further.

In approaching this initial conversation, it’s important to first separate facts from stories--don’t assume the director has a drinking problem; don’t make judgments. Rather, identify the specific behaviors that are problematic and the outcomes that are hurtful (I don’t have any of the actual facts, so please allow me to invent some for the sake of example): “On our last major project, the director was unable to come in on several mornings, and my team missed an important deadline. This has happened four times in the last three months--typically on Monday mornings. On several other occasions, the director has returned from lunch disoriented, with the smell of liquor on his breath.”

Once you’ve shared your facts, it is then appropriate to tentatively share your story and ask for the other person’s input (“Several people have brought up these same issues, and we’re starting to suspect a serious drinking problem--which is making our work less effective. I’m wondering if we can address the issue and find a way to resolve it. What are your thoughts?”). If your boss or the HR professional agrees, now the conversation should be about how he or she should confront the director. If he or she disagrees, or refuses to confront the director, you should consider whether or not you should request a meeting with the director. I would encourage you to answer the questions “What do I really want?” and “How can I create safety for the director?”

The person speaking to the director should start with a mutual purpose in mind--one that would help him understand why he’d want to have this conversation. You could begin with, “I wonder if I could talk to you about some things I’ve observed that are undermining your effectiveness?” The director should be interested if someone is aware of a barrier to his success. You could also reinforce mutual purpose with a statement declaring intent: “My reason for talking with you is to be of help. I’m not trying to tell you what to do or be disloyal.”

The conversation should then start the same way the first conversation began--with the facts. Start with a description of the problem and try to clarify why it is a problem. Focus on the director’s behavior and the natural consequences of his behavior that he would care about; for example, how is it affecting major stakeholders, including customers, coworkers, etc.?

The biggest problem in this situation is whether or not the director will acknowledge a drinking problem that is affecting his work. Perhaps speaking up will help him see that his problem is not hidden; but if it doesn’t, the only solution is to escalate the problem to those the director reports to.

If you take this step, make sure you are very familiar with the organization’s processes for remediation of tough problems like this--and make sure you are safeguarding your own career and interests as you do so.

As I said, this is a tough situation; however, I think these ideas will increase the probability of success for the individual and for the organization.

Best wishes,

Ron

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For more on how to describe a problem and how to make natural consequences visible, read Chapter 3 (Describe the Gap) and Chapter 4 (Make It Motivating) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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6. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- August 12, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (The Crucial Intervention for
Healthcare)
- August 24, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 22, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- August 11, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 7, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD
- September 13-14, Irvine, CA*
- September 19-20, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- September 20-21, Dallas Ft Worth, TX*
- October 4-5, New York, NY*
- October 11-12, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- September 13-14, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- September 19-20, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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