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CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS(R) REMINDER
August 4, 2004
Volume 2, Issue 30
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. A New Book from the Authors of “Crucial Conversations”
3. Q&A: Seeking Accountability
4. Send Your Questions
5. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.”

- Alexander Penney

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2. A New Book from the Authors of “Crucial Conversations”
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It’s coming! Reserve your advanced copy of our new book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior” today at www.crucialconfrontations.com/newsletteroffer for $10.85--a 36% discount.

About Crucial Confrontations:

Behind the problems that routinely plague organizations and families, you’ll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with failed promises. Others have broken rules, missed deadlines, failed to live up to commitments, or just plain behaved badly--and nobody steps up to the issue. Accountability suffers and new problems spring up. For example:

- An employee speaks to you in an insulting tone that crosses the line between sarcasm and insubordination. Now what?

- Your son walks through the door sporting colorful new body art that raises your blood pressure by forty points. Speak now, pay later.

- An accountant wonders how to step up to a client who is violating the law. Can you spell unemployment?

- A nurse worries about what to say to an abusive physician. She quickly remembers “how things work around here” and decides not to say anything.

“Crucial Confrontations” teaches you how to deal with violated expectations in a way that solves the problem at hand and doesn’t harm the relationship--and in fact, even strengthens it.

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3. Q&A: Seeking Accountability
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Dear Crucial Conversations,

I lead a faith-based non-profit org after 15 years as a midlevel executive in the wireless industry. Working with Board Members and Volunteers is tough sometimes. My difficulty comes in creating safety and expressing my concerns in a crucial conversation about agreements that are not carried out. Given the volunteer nature of both parties, I want to appreciate their desire to serve, not alienate them, and yet I want to let them know things that need to be done are not getting done.

Can you help me? Thanks!

Signed,

Seeking Accountability

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Answer by Ron McMillan, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations."

Dear Seeking,

Talking through tough issues with someone in a volunteer organization is a lot like dealing with peers or someone at a higher level in any organization. You cannot rely on position, power, or the threat of losing employment to get the other person’s attention. If you are too heavy-handed, you risk creating offense; if you sugarcoat or water down your communication, you minimize the problem. What to do?

Consider the following tips:

- Start with Heart: Make sure you go into the conversation with the right end in mind--you want to solve the problem of someone not keeping a commitment in a way that preserves and enhances the working relationship. You don’t want to shame. You don’t want to make the other person seem bad and wrong.

- Master Your Stories: Ask “why would a reasonable, rational, decent person not keep his or her commitment?” It might be a motivational problem (he or she didn’t WANT to do it) or an ability problem (he or she wasn’t ABLE to do it). Which is the case? You don’t know! Don’t assume the worst; don’t tell yourself a villain story. Be curious, not furious.

- Get Unstuck: Decide at what level the conversation needs to be held: content (first time), pattern (it’s happened before), or relationship (how it affects the trust and respect between the two of you). If the problem is a pattern of a behavior that you’ve dealt with before, don’t just talk about the current instance, talk about the fact that it keeps happening and discuss what you can do to keep it from continuing. If it’s starting to affect how the two of you work together, address that issue, and discuss what you’d like from your working relationship.

- STATE your Path: Start with the facts of what’s going on, not your conclusions about why it’s happening. An effective way of sharing the facts is to compare what was promised with what happened. Don’t make accusations (“You didn’t keep your promise.”) Don’t make statements of emotion (“You make me so mad!”); rather, try, “you told me the report would be ready by Monday. It’s now Tuesday and I still haven’t received the report. What happened?”

- Move to Action: Remember at the end of the conversation to document ‘Who does What by When,’ to clarify the plan going forward. This will ensure that everyone knows what is expected going forward, and help them understand what they’ll be accountable for. Be sure to follow up.

This will still be a crucial conversation, but handling it with these principles and skills will increase the probability of solving problems in a way that builds both respect and your relationship.

Best of luck,

Ron

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For more on holding others accountable or discussing missed commitments, look for our latest book, “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior,” available soon. Pre-order a copy now at www.crucialconfrontations.com/newsletteroffer.

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4. Send Your Questions
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Send a question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High" at questions@vitalsmarts.com. We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit www.crucialconversations.com.

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5. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" in a free web seminar as follows:

- Aug 10, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)
- Aug 18, 3-4 p.m. (Eastern) (Crucial Conversations in Children’s Health Care)
- Sept 7, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Register today by contacting your VitalSmarts representative or visiting www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/ConferenceCall.asp

Mastery Course Training
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The Crucial Conversations Mastery Course offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

- August 17-18, Irvine, CA*
- August 24-25, Chicago, IL*
- September 14-15, Salt Lake City, UT*
- September 21-22, Dallas, TX*
- September 28-29, New York, NY*
- October 19-20, Knoxville, TN*
- October 19-20, Washington, D.C.*
- October 26-27, Columbus, OH*

Additional course dates for 2004 are available at www.crucialconversations.com.

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Mastery Courses. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.crucialconversations.com/TrainingResources/Services/PublicTraining.asp.

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