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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
August 3, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 30
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IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Contest Winner: Your Worst Talking Hi-Tech Experience
4. Search Our Reminder Archives
5. Author Q&A: When Cultures Clash
6. Send Your Stories, Comments, and Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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“Ideal conversation must be an exchange of thought, and not . . . an eloquent exhibition of wit or oratory.”

– Emily Post

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2. Tip of the Week
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Apologize when Appropriate

When you’ve moved from adding meaning to the pool to trying to win or trying to hurt the other person, you owe others an apology. This is the first step to rebuilding respect when you really blow it. However, let’s be clear about when an apology is in order--others haven’t simply misunderstood you, you’ve been downright insulting.

When you do recognize that respect has been violated and an apology is in order, make sure your apology is sincere. Hollow apologies followed by repeated offenses are an affront in and of themselves. Apologize for anything disrespectful you’ve done, do your best to avoid similar offenses, and then return to the topic with the goal of getting all meaning into the pool.

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3. Contest Winner: Your Worst Talking Hi-Tech Experience
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We're pleased to announce the winner of our "Talking Hi-Tech" contest: Jean Zawlocki

Jean won a Crucial Conversations Audio CD Companion and a signed copy of our newest book, "Crucial Confrontations."

Her full story is below. Thank you to all those who submitted stories. There are a lot of people "talking hi-tech" out there!
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Tech vs. Talk
By Jean Zawlocki

I started a position as the HR Director for a very small boutique bank in Michigan. I was to report to the VP of Marketing. When I started the job, the VP was on vacation for the first two weeks. After several months of employment there, I started getting terse e-mails from the VP. I couldn't figure out why. She never talked to me in person--only via e-mail. She didn't have the courage to tell me what was on her mind except through e-mail.

After this continued for approximately a month, she decided to fire me. Later I learned she used spies within the organization to find out information about her employees. She apparently didn't trust anyone. It was a very weird experience!

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4. Search Our Reminder Archives
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Looking for a past “Author Q&A” feature or “Kerrying On” article?
It’s inevitable: you remember reading a tip you really liked from one of our authors, but you can’t recall where it came from. That’s why we’ve set up an archive where you can comb through previous issues of the Crucial Skills Reminder to recover those tidbits of wisdom you thought were lost forever. Access back issues by visiting
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/Newsletter/Archives.aspx

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5. Author Q&A: When Cultures Clash
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Dear Authors,

Our city has been struggling with a diversity initiative, and we’ve been going through the Crucial Conversations training to help address issues that keep our employees from working together because of cultural misunderstandings.

It’s been interesting to see people’s reactions to the terms “silence” and “violence” used in the training. It seems to be a matter of interpretation. For example, several people from different ethnic backgrounds say that being expressive and emotional is part of their cultural communication style--and yet people from other cultural backgrounds see this strong way of advocating as “violence” in crucial conversations language.

How do you address these differences in the way people define “silence” and “violence” when conversations are happening between people of different cultures?

Signed,
Culture Clash

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Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Culture Clash,

You raise a very important question--and one we’ve thought a great deal about since we’ve worked with these skills literally everywhere from Israeli software companies and Kenyan slums to Malaysian factories and Wall Street investment banks. Here is our considered response.

Your twin responsibilities in a crucial conversation are: 1) to maintain safety; and 2) to engage in and encourage the free flow of meaning. All of the skills in Crucial Conversations are designed to accomplish these two tasks. Maintaining safety is hard enough when two people come from the same culture. It becomes even more complex when people come from a different culture. The reason is that people from different cultures tell themselves different “stories” about the behavior of others. Using active hand gestures while I speak might be seen as passion in one culture and coercion in another.

For example, I once worked with an Israeli software company who was acting as a vendor to an American telecom company. There were frequent crucial conversations breakdowns as a consequence of the widely different communication patterns used by the Israelis and the Americans. The Israelis were comfortable with relatively louder volume and more vigorous body language. The Midwestern Americans were intimidated and offended by this behavior. The story they told themselves about the behavior was that it was disrespectful and coercive.

How do you solve this problem? First, by holding the right conversation. Don’t just talk about “content” (key issues you need to address). If you are aware that there could be cultural differences, you should pause occasionally and talk about those differences. Talk about your differing patterns of behavior. Ask people how you are coming across. Encourage them to give you feedback about behaviors that might make it difficult for them to engage with you around crucial topics. Ask them what various patterns of behavior on their part mean to them.

Second, when you are digging into crucial conversations about content, watch for signs that the conversation is not working. Watch for marked changes in others’ behavior or facial expressions. If, for example, they are usually expressive but become silent, you can bet that safety might be at risk. They may be interpreting your behavior as violent when you intend it as something much different. Or, if they become louder than usual, again this is a sign that safety could be at risk and you should step out of the conversation and talk *about* the conversation. Again, ask for feedback about how you’re coming across--either now or later when it might be safer.

Working across cultures requires the same two sets of regular conversations that working to build any sort of strong relationship requires. The first is healthy crucial conversations about key issues (content or relationship). The second is regular crucial conversations about how to correctly interpret your differing behaviors (pattern).

The reason for the first kind of conversation is obvious. But the need for the second is less so. Many people fail to help their colleagues or loved ones correctly interpret the intent and meaning behind their own behaviors. They leave them open to be interpreted in the worst way possible--often with disastrous consequences.

If you want to work well across cultures, don’t just talk issues, talk behaviors--what they mean and don’t mean--and what works for the both of you.

Thanks for raising an important issue. And best wishes in the vital work you’re doing to bring greater unity and productivity into our wonderfully diverse world,

Joseph

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For tips on making it safe for others to talk and on knowing whether to talk about content, pattern, or relationship, read Chapter 5 (Make It Safe) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” and Chapter 1 (Choose “What” and “If”) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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6. Send Your Stories, Questions, and Comments
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The editors of the Crucial Skills Reminder welcome expressions of all views. “Before and After,” “Author Q&A,” and "Letters to the Editor" submissions may not exceed 300 words. All submissions will be edited for length, clarity, grammar, and taste and may be republished in any format. Submissions should be in plain text and not include attachments. All submissions must include the writer's e-mail address (for verification, not publication). We don't promise publication, and all submissions become the property of VitalSmarts, L.C.

Submit your stories, questions, and comments as follows:

Before and After
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This monthly feature will share real experiences from readers who have used Crucial Skills to overcome issues that were keeping them from getting the results they wanted.

Please send your stories to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com. Please include "BEFORE AND AFTER" in the subject line of your e-mail.

Author Q&A
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at
www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

Letters to the Editor
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Send us your comments, reactions, and opinions on content in the Crucial Skills Reminder. We'll publish letters once a month for others to read.

Please send your letters to letters@vitalsmarts.com and include "LETTERS" in the subject line of your e-mail.

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

Crucial Conversations

- August 12, 1:00-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (The Crucial Intervention for
Healthcare)
- August 24, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 22, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

Crucial Confrontations

- August 11, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)
- September 7, 1:00-2:00 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview)

For details about each Web Seminar and to register online, visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Webinars

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- August 23-24, Chicago, IL*
- August 24-25, Baltimore, MD
- September 13-14, Irvine, CA*
- September 19-20, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- September 20-21, Dallas Ft Worth, TX*
- October 4-5, New York, NY*
- October 11-12, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 25-26, Atlanta, GA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- August 23-24, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- September 13-14, Denver (Greenwood Village), CO*
- September 19-20, Phoenix, AZ*
- October 18-19, Irvine, CA*

Additional course dates are available at
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit
www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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