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CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
April 27, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 16
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We’re sorry our reminder did not go out last week. Issue 16 was held up due to a change to our server. We’re happy to be back on schedule.

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Quote of the Week
2. Tip of the Week
3. Survey: Do You Get the Vacation Time You Deserve?
4. FREE Thought Leaders Live Interview featuring Joseph Grenny
5. Q&A: Absentee Boss
6. Send Your Questions
7. Where Can I Learn More?

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1. Quote of the Week
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"He that always gives way to others will end in having no principles of his own."

- Aesop

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2. Tip of the Week
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Get Unstuck

The Law of Crucial Conversations:
“Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there. Identify the crucial conversations that you’re not holding or not holding well, and get better at everything.”

If there is a problem or issue you can’t get past at work or at home, consider the conversation you are either not holding or not holding well around that issue. Recognize this as a key factor in what is holding you back and keeping you stuck. Identify your poor results, and then backtrack from the results to the crucial conversation that is keeping you stuck. Focus on learning to step up to this conversation and on learning the skills you’ll need to hold it well.

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3. Survey: Do You Get the Vacation Time You Deserve?
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With summer vacations approaching, how comfortable do you feel about asking for time off work? Research has shown 63 percent of Americans work more than 40 hours per week and hand back more than $21 billion in unused vacation days to employers each year.

Weigh in on this topic--answer the questions in our latest brief poll at the link below. This should not take you more than five minutes to complete.

http://www.keysurvey.com/survey/61186/319c/

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4. FREE Thought Leaders Live Interview featuring Joseph Grenny
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Learn How to Step Up to and Master Crucial Confrontations

Join us for a FREE Thought Leaders Live Interview with HR.com's Karen Elmhirst and bestselling author Joseph Grenny

Date: Monday, May 2nd, 2005
Time: 10am PT/1pm ET

To register*, visit:

http://www.hr.com/WebinarDescription.aspx?eventID=C388105E-A862-4D89-A8A7-504DDF63B606

*This link will redirect you to the HR.com website. Registration for this event requires a free HR.com membership. If you are already an HR.com member, just log in before registering for the Webcast. If you are not an HR.com member, simply click "Sign me up!" in the upper left of the screen and then register.

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5. Q&A: Absentee Boss
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Dear Authors

I have a manager who seems to be missing in action. In all fairness to my manager, my work is independent and in a different location. Nonetheless, his communication is superficial, and he doesn't act as if he's genuinely interested in my performance. He's difficult to find (always in meetings), fails to provide me with crucial information, and continually misses deadlines on information or decisions that I depend upon to do my job effectively. I decided to call him every other week to brief him on my work outlook, issues, successes, etc., but when I do he acts as though he's in a hurry and I'm taking up his time. I truly find my work rewarding, but working for this unengaged manager is frustrating.

Signed,

Cut off

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Answer by Kerry Patterson, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Cut Off,

You face an interesting decision. Do you talk to someone who doesn’t appear to care about your job, your results, or your relationship--and by extension might not care about any of your concerns? You weigh the possibilities and wonder if the odds favor you or not. He might suddenly “feel your pain” and take corrective action of some sort. He might smile politely and do nothing. He might act upset and say it’s not his fault that you’re located in a different building and then resent you for attacking his leadership style. Hmmm. What will happen?

So the real question is: What can you do to increase the odds that the outcome will be beneficial?

Before I offer any suggestions, let me say that our own research has revealed that the single best predictor of satisfaction with leadership is frequency of interaction. The more two people interact, the greater the satisfaction. People who are directed and reviewed by individuals in different buildings, or even different states, universally dislike the arrangement. You’re not alone. People rightfully wonder: How can my boss evaluate my performance, coach me, provide me with career advice, mentor me, and sponsor me to a better position without ever seeing me in action?

Within a corporate context, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. The more accurate expression would be: out of sight, out of mind. I mention this because you may want to take a job where you won’t constantly be facing such a large barrier. No matter what you do, the distance can be daunting.

If you love the job itself and really want to stick with it, here are few things you might consider.

First, ask what’s in it for your manager to correct the problems you mentioned. He is causing you grief by not providing you with essential information, meeting deadlines, or making timely decisions. You feel your pain, but if you can’t link his relatively insensitive and unprofessional behavior to something he cares about, you’re dependent on him caring about your pain--something that currently doesn’t seem to affect him.

So, here’s what you have to ask. In what way does his poor performance affect you--and then affect him? For instance, when he doesn’t give you time-sensitive information, you have to track him down, interrupt him in meetings, leave notes with secretaries, call his boss to see if he or she can find him etc. This can’t be pleasant for him. When he doesn’t provide you with X, harming your performance in Y, this is how it affects the department--which in turn causes problem Z for him. The point here is that if you only enter the conversation with the idea of his changing for the sole purpose of making your life better, it’s harder to achieve the results you want. Link his existing bad behavior to the existing negative consequences he’s already experiencing.

Second, ask what can be done that doesn’t call for him to change his behavior. How can you manipulate the environment? The idea of talking on the phone to update him may indeed interrupt him. How about e-mail that he can read at his leisure? There are some fairly decent video conferencing solutions out there. Maybe an electronic face-to-face will work for him. How can you get his support staff to be cued to send you critical information the minute he gets it? The point here is that it’s far easier to manipulate processes and *things* than it is to change human behavior. Look at environmental solutions.

Third, if you do choose to talk to him directly about the problem, bring your best skills into play. In our book Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior, we teach a step-by-step process for dealing with crucial confrontations. Here are a few tips from the book.

Be careful with your conclusions. You may believe that your boss is uncaring and unreliable (you didn’t say this, however you could easily conclude this), but this should never be your starting position. Pick one of the behaviors that has you concerned and deal with that behavior only. Don’t pile on a bunch of problems. In a similar vein, take special care not to pile on inflammatory conclusions. Trade “You’re unreliable, insensitive, and uncaring” for “Yesterday I was expecting the O’Malley workup but it didn’t come. I was wondering what happened.” Then stick to the problem of not delivering on his promises. Deal with untimely information, lack of support, and the other problems at a different time. Start small. Stick to behaviors.

Once you’ve decided which issue to deal with, carefully unbundle it. Even though you think you’ve picked one problem, it could easily have several component parts. For instance, if the problem you pick is a pattern, focus on the repeated nature of the behavior. Talk about the pattern, not a single instance. If the problem is now harming your relationship (and it sounds as if it is), then this may be the problem you want to address. Talk about the problem (say, not meeting deadlines) from the point of view of how it’s affecting how you work together. “When I don’t get what I need from you, I end up trying to track you down and I don’t want it to feel like I’m hounding you. I can see that you don’t like it and I’m starting to feel reluctant to follow up. And yet, if I don’t find a quick resolution, it affects my performance.” Pick one problem, unbundle it, and then pick the issue that matters the most. Ask: “What is the one thing I really want to see change?” and then focus on this.

Good luck as you step up to a tough situation. Prepare carefully, be on your best behavior, and hopefully you’ll start to resolve some of the problems that have you rightfully frustrated, one at a time.

Kerry Patterson

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For more on unbundling an issue and deciding what to speak up about, see Chapter 1 (Choose WHAT and IF) of the book “Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior.”

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6. Send Your Questions
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Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations” at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

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7. Where Can I Learn More?
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Special Author Events
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Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Web Seminars
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Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

- May 18, 1-2:15 p.m. (Eastern) (“Crucial Conversations” Overview)

Open Enrollment Training
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Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- May 10-11, Baltimore, MD*
- May 10-11, Troy, MI *
- May 10-11, Palo Alto, CA
- May 10-11, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO *
- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT*
- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*
- June 21-22, Arlington, VA*
- June 21-22, Bloomington, MN
- June 21-22, Cleveland, OH*

Crucial Confrontations:

- June 14-15, Irvine, CA*
- June 20-21, Detroit (Beverly Hills), MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO*
- July 12-13, Baltimore, MD

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

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