::VitalSmarts - Get Newsletter::

==========================================
CRUCIAL™ SKILLS REMINDER
April 6, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 14
==========================================

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Tip of the Week
2. Thanks to Our Readers!
3. Survey/Contest Results: "Relationships with Your Parents”
4. Q&A: Looking for Equality in Pay
5. Send Your Questions
6. Where Can I Learn More?

------------------------------------------
1. Tip of the Week
------------------------------------------

Learn to Look for When a Conversation Becomes Crucial

When you or the other person become emotional and you can feel that the conversation is getting out of control, recognize that this is a sign that safety is at risk. Your task now is not to try harder to make your point, but to step out of the content of the conversation and directly address safety. Make sure the other person knows you are committed to making the conversation safe.

Watch for cues that safety is the issue at hand. For example:
• Voices are being raised
• Fingers are being pointed
• One or both of you is moving to angry silence

------------------------------------------
2. Thanks to Our Readers!
------------------------------------------

We’d like to thank everyone who participated in our reader survey last week. Your feedback is very valuable and will help us immensely as we plan the upcoming redesign of the weekly Crucial Skills Reminder.

------------------------------------------
3. Survey/Contest Results: "Relationships with Your Parents”
------------------------------------------

Studies show healthy communication with your Mom or Dad could keep you from becoming sick--how do your relationships measure up? Check out the results from our latest study on "Relationships with Your Parents."

Results include:

* More than 30 percent of adults say their relationship with their mother or father is less than satisfactory.

* One in three adults say they can't spend more than a day with their parents before they feel emotional stress.

* More than 17 percent of respondents say they can't last three hours.

For the press release with a more complete discussion of the results, see http://www.vitalsmarts.com/AboutUs/PressRoom/PressReleases.aspx

We're also pleased to announce the winner of our latest contest on parental relationships, Kathy Williams-Palmer from Garland, TX.

Kathy won a Crucial Conversations Audio Mastery Course on CD and a signed copy of our newest book, “Crucial Confrontations.”

Her full story is below. Thank you to all those who submitted stories.

Crucial Conversations with My Mother
------------------------------------------

By Kathy Williams-Palmer

For a few years in my adult life, I continued to butt heads with my mother.

I wanted and needed her to acknowledge past abuses that had occurred, but she lives in denial. My emotions ran high every time I visited for family functions. We argued often over insignificant topics, retreated into silence often, and even became physically ill. Mother visited the emergency room for chest pains, while I was continually sick with colds and depression.

I experienced an epiphany: I couldn't change her, I could only change me.

After much contemplation and work, eventually I let go of thinking that I would be less than whole if I didn't have the type of mother-daughter relationship where they hang out together often, lunching or shopping, where they call each other just to talk, and where feelings, wishes, and opinions are shared. The denial my mother lives in is unacceptable for me; I can never pretend that way of living is OK. But I can be the best daughter that I'm capable of being.

What I really wanted was a decent relationship with her, where I could attend family functions without becoming upset, and could ask her how she is doing and be a part of her life.

Instead of trying to get her to change--to break her denial--I decided it was time to ask her to start over. I was tired of living the fight. I surrendered.

I had the crucial conversation all worked out beforehand. I went to the house while no one else was there. I told my mother that I had a problem with our relationship, stated my path, and kept it safe. I didn't want to fight with her anymore. I didn't know how to fix the past, but I needed to live in the present. If we could treat each other based on today's actions, I thought we would be able to love each other easier. I told her what I really wanted--a decent relationship. I then asked her what she thought.

She closed her mouth, stood up, and hugged me. She wouldn't let go for a long time. Tears flowed.

Now that almost five years have passed, our relationship works. We don't talk often, but I'm willing to help when she asks. I show up to family functions and leave without incident. I don't get sick before the functions and I don't suffer days of depression after. When issues arise, I deal with them in the moment, which keeps my side of the street clean. I continue to thrive in my life and find "mother-figure" friends that I have a blast sharing with.

------------------------------------------
4. Q&A: Looking for Equality in Pay
------------------------------------------

Dear Authors,

I just found out that another manager in the same profession but with less qualifications and a smaller job is making $14,000 more than I am. If I confront my boss, I'm afraid she will ask where I received the information, but I'm not willing to answer that question. It shouldn't matter. What to do?

-Underpaid and uncertain

-------------------------

Answer by Joseph Grenny, coauthor of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations”

Dear Underpaid and Uncertain,

This is tricky because the answer is very situational. So let me throw a few things at you and invite you to grab any that are relevant.

First, I’m curious about why you can’t share your source. The purpose of dialogue during crucial conversations is to fill the “shared pool of meaning.” This means that you find a way to reduce defenses enough that you and your boss can speak freely about your salary concerns. If you want your boss to understand how you feel, she’ll need to have access to the data behind your current thoughts and feelings of inequity. You’ve got to be able to “share the facts.”

I try to avoid getting into the trap of having information in my head that I can’t admit to having by cautioning those who want to share “gossip”--or even hard data--with me but don’t want me to attribute it to them. When they’re about to open their mouths, I say something like, “Please don’t put anything in my head about someone that I can’t candidly discuss with them.” This lets the speaker know that I expect him or her to take responsibility for what he or she is about to say. There are times when I’ll agree to keep names anonymous--but I want at least to have the freedom to acknowledge that this data is in my head when it affects my feelings, thoughts, and behavior toward another person or group. It keeps me from being the source of my own mistrust and political behavior.

With that said, here are some situations you may face as your share your facts.

- Your boss may want to *appropriately* change the conversation. If the person who shared this information with you violated a company policy by doing so, your boss will rightfully try to divert the conversation to a discussion of that point. And you can’t avoid it because that is an equally important issue to your concern about pay equity. If this is your situation, you have an ethical responsibility to return to the person who shared the information with you and confront his or her dishonesty.

- Your boss may want to *inappropriately* change the conversation. If there is no policy against sharing salary information, then you should head off the change of conversation at the outset. Begin with your boss by saying “Some information has come to my attention that I’d like to share. I don’t think it’s right for me to say who shared it because they don’t want to be involved. Also, the source isn’t the real issue in my view.” Having taken this stand, you’re more likely to be able to stay focused on your salary concern.

- Your boss may ignore your attempt to focus the conversation. If even after you frame the topic your boss tries to change the topic to discovering your source, ask her to justify the change of topic. For example, “Earlier I suggested the source wasn’t relevant to my concerns about pay equity. The real issue is whether or not this is true and fair. And you’re now asking for the source. May I ask why that is important?” If she has a legitimate reason, you’ll be obligated to respond. If she is simply irritated that this issue is in the open, she’ll be less capable of convincing you that you need to disclose.

Now, once you’ve teed up the topic, you need to be open to dialogue. That means you need to be open to changing your mind.

It could be, for example, that your “story” about the pay differential is wrong. For example, any difference could be smaller than you heard. Or, there may be legitimate reasons for the pay differential. Or, there could be reasons--but not reasons that you accept. Be open to listening and be open to being influenced. If you aren’t, you’ll create a more defensive climate where your boss will be less open as well. Listen a lot. Ask a lot of questions. When you fully understand, then respond from a position of knowledge.

Finally, be sure to focus on what you REALLY want. I watch many people provoke resistance in salary discussions because their goal is “more money for me!” This violates safety and mutual purpose and drives your boss to silence or violence. Your goal must be to gain fairness, not just get more money. “Fairness” is a higher value that most people are motivated to achieve--and one you’re likely to get your bosses’ agreement to address.

Best Wishes,

Joseph

--------------------

For more on staying focused on what you really want, please see Chapter 3(Start with Heart) of the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.”

------------------------------------------
5. Send Your Questions
------------------------------------------

Submit your question to the authors of "Crucial Conversations" at www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/AskAnAuthor/
Or e-mail it to questions@vitalsmarts.com.

We do our best to answer those questions that reflect the interests of our readers. For more about the authors of "Crucial Conversations," visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/Product/TheAuthors.aspx

-------------------------------------------
6. Where Can I Learn More?
-------------------------------------------

Special Author Events
--------------------------
Don't miss your opportunity to learn more about Crucial Skills by attending a special author event where one of the authors will teach you to handle crucial situations well and get the results you want.

For details about each author event and to register online, visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Introductory%20Workshop

Web Seminars
-------------------------
Join the authors of "Crucial Conversations" and “Crucial Confrontations in a free web seminar as follows:

- April 14, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Confrontations)

- April 19, 1-2 p.m. (Eastern) (general overview of Crucial Conversations)

Open Enrollment Training
--------------------------
Crucial Skills Training offers intensive skills training in our principles and methods. For in-house training conducted by your staff or one of our professional facilitators, contact your VitalSmarts representative. Open enrollment courses are also available as follows:

Crucial Conversations:

- April 26-27, New York, NY*
- May 10-11, Baltimore, MD*
- May 10-11, Troy, MI *
- May 10-11, SF Bay Area, CA
- May 10-11, Greenwood Village (Denver), CO *
- May 17-18, Chicago, IL*
- May 24-25, Salt Lake City, UT*
- June 14-15, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX*
- June 21-22, Irvine, CA*

Crucial Confrontations:

- April 19-20, Independence (Cleveland), OH*
- April 26-27, Washington, DC*
- June 14-15, Southern CA*
- June 20-21, Troy, MI*
- June 21-22, Greenwood Village, CO*

Additional course dates are available at www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=Training

*Trainer certification is also offered directly following most Training. For more information or to sign up, contact your VitalSmarts representative or visit www.vitalsmarts.com/Events/?s=All&c=t

=================================================================
Questions, feedback, or information you would like to see? Send an e-mail to editor@vitalsmarts.com

You are receiving this newsletter because you expressed an interest in receiving updates from Crucial Conversations--either by signing up for the newsletter or by registering on the site and choosing to receive this reminder.

If we have sent this to you in error, or if you wish to remove your name from future communications, please click the link below:
http://www.vitalsmarts.com/unsubscribe.aspx?MSN=reminders

If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list, have them visit www.crucialskills.com where they can sign up to receive information and access free resources.